Reading / Respect

Been reading a ton lately.... and have wanted to blog about it - so I'll commit myself publicly and come back as I can... but one of my new favorite books is "The Cross Examination of Christ", by Randy Singer.
It's worth it's own post so I will come back to it.

Also, Jason and I got to go to a Family Life Marriage Seminar a couple of weeks ago - and while there we picked up two books by Shaunti Feldhahn - "For Women Only' is the one I am reading, and Jason is reading the one for guys. ("For Men Only." Of course Jason, being the overachieving reader - is reading both.
I have to admit, I'm always embarrassed to read things that sound so simple but they are for me a 'lightbulb' or 'aha' moment - but I embrace them the same, and for me, today, I read a little part in this book that turned the light on.

In the book, Shaunti sets forth the results of a survey asking men whether they would rather feel unloved and unwanted, or inadequate and disrespected. Results overwhelmingly showed that while the majority of women would rather feel disrespected, most men would rather feel unloved. And there is a difference. That alone made me think twice.

Which would you rather feel?

When it comes to respecting my husband, I think much of the difficulty with this for me personally is defining respect. Most often we start and work from the definitions in our own head - which is great if your definition matches up with the one who's expectations you are trying to meet. But it's takes a while in life to discover you might need to check in and make sure your definintion is the same in the first place before you start trying to plan all the ways to live up to it!

She mentions that if we want to be clued in, a 'disrespect barometer' in men is anger.

Very simple.
Very a-ha for me.

I know we do it to men .... a simple comment and all the sudden they find themselves in a muck with us they didn't see coming and want desperately to get out of, and they can't even figure out how they got there in the first place. It's so clear to us, and to every woman we might later share it with. :-)
But as intuitive as we think we are, we just don't get that we do the very same things just as cluelessly.

'I'm just trying to help'.
'It's so obvious what needs to be done...'
'If you would just...'

And if you are like me, (and female), you may read those phrases, think of the last time you thought or said them, and can justify exactly why you were right.
Umm Hmm.

That's what I didn't get. I'm a help meet... a ' helper' - thats what I DO... I'm supposed to help! Right? How in the world can I offer help and not come across critical?!? Doesn't the very nature of a correction or help suggest some level of inadequacy? Hmmm.. I wonder... does it have to ? Or do we just carelessly let it?

"The funny thing is- most of us do respect the man in our lives and often don't realize when our words or actions convey exactly the opposite. We may be totally perplexed when our man responds negatively in a conversation, helplessly wondering, What did I say? Combine this with the difficulty many men have articulating their feelings (i.e., why they are upset), and you've got a combustible - and frustrating situation." ( p.24)


I recognize the anger when it happens.... but am just now learning to backtrack to the last few things I said and recheck them for something that could be understood as disrespect or condescension. Sometimes it's obvious... I know what I meant and I know how it sounded. And he's got a reason to be angry and I've got a responsibility to repent. But sometimes it is a genuine mistake - and checking in with him on how he understood what I just said helps - offering different words as well as encouragement helps lessen the tension and keeps us on track of what we really want to talk about rather than tripping us off into an emotional 'discussion' neither of us really enjoys of the past and present mistakes we make with each other.

Most of all, from the seminar and these few pages - I loved learning about the source of respect, again. It's counter-cultural, and so I needed to be reminded of it. The world doesn't often set out to reinforce God's truths... so if we just 'go with the flow' of what's around us, we will find ourselves quickly as unhappy as the rest of the married couples we are called to be a light to.

"Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly lovable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment. ( A-HA!)(Duh - I know... but still A- ha!)
'We've become such a love- dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says. (Of Love and Respect.) 'Like the Beatles said,'All you need is love.' So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned. Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are {i.e. our husbands}, apart from how they do."
"... Just as our men can choose to demonstrate love towards us even if they don't feel it at the moment, we can and should choose to demonstrate respect toward them. In fact, the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians (5) , phobeo, means to be in awe of , to revere. It's not just a matter of bland regard. We are supposed to be highly valuing our men! " ( pgs. 26, 27, For Women Only)

God gives us the ability to do that - to offer respect unconditionally and to highly value - based on worth much more than just in the moment. We might not be practiced at it, and it may seem foreign, especially in those moments of conflict or disagreement, but that is when it is all the more applicable. After all, we are thankful when they choose to love us in our unloveable moments.... and we have a lot of them. We might find a lot more of our unloveable moments covered by unconditional love as we offer the same kind of respect.

God's wisdom is amazing. When we give up on the game of 'who goes first'.... and just obey God in relating to our mate for the sake of HIS worthiness.... we find alot more of the peace, hope and genuine contentment His truth promises.

When I sit down and think about it... I have no problem with respect. I think my husband is wonderful, and I can think of non-stop reasons why. Now, however, to let that be the mindset of every moment, not just the ones with an absence of conflict.
To let God's wisdom be the guide of my role in marriage... so that He can be more fully glorified. ( And Jason and I both would reap the fringe benefits of that...:-)

Random catch -up

Okay-
I have slowed down in posting some... just rearranging schedules and priorities some, and in doing so I haven't been able to get to this as much. But I will try and be a little more frequent!

Got to go to Branson with my dad, Meme, Susan and Charles this weekend .... it was tiring but fun.
I can remember as a kid hating the heat, hating the lines, but LOVING the atmosphere.... and I think that is a pretty universal feeling for kids. And growing up hasn't changed it. We loved it and the kids were wiped out. It was great. I can see how the passes we bought are a much bigger investment that we realized at the time.
Fun... enjoyment....rest.... laughter.... they all lend to a family cohesion and appreciation of each other that can get lost in day to day routine. I love making these memories.

Julia is always deciding what she wants to be when she grows up. Usually it's a doctor and a cowgirl.
This morning however, she announced that she wants Eli to be a Captain and she will be the first mate that gets to say "Aye Aye, Captain." Hee hee.

(I'm betting that won't last long, though.)

Checking out of reality.

Saw "United 93" Last night.

Wow.

Movies are usually an escape. Or so I say. I can honestly say I have never sat through a movie physically uncomfortable and shaky from beginning to end. It is sobering, especially in the fact that for once you have no room to talk yourself into the possibilities for the ending.

It seems to be a very objective movie when it comes to the possibiliteies it makes conjectures about and it fills in the blanks realistically.
Much like I imagine the news is supposed to be, but never comes close to being anymore. You witness the events- without the commentaries.

Ordinary people making extraordinary moves ... because *life* demanded it.

I couldn't sleep last night. There is something about movies that let you check in and out of reality easily, but when the movies reflect life and there is no 5 minute thriller wrap up at the end... you think a long while on that.

It makes me wonder, even though I don't watch a ton of tv or movies anymore, how many real moments I have checked out of for the convenience of a "nicer, more pleasent" reality. It makes me wonder why we as a culture are so easy to take by surprise, and left dumfounded by evil.

On different scales, the moments that shock us continue every day. Darfur, Invisible children, and the man a few blocks away that that tried to kidnap a child.
I don't want to become more aware of the depths of evil in this world or paranoid by what I see as I open my eyes. But I certainly want to become more passionate and connected to the power of our God and His ability to change it.

He wants to use us to do it. I wonder how available we make ourselves? Or is it easier to check out?

Sherlock Holmes wears the panties in our family. (Or not).

I can't tell you how encouraging you all are.

I'm out of my league in friendships. God just works that way though. Thanks for blessing me with your thoughts.

Have to share this one... straight from Julia.

Apparently, she couldn't "hold it" tonight.

She brought the wet clothes to daddy, with guilty face and apology ready.

Jason asked her where the 'accident' happened. She pointed in one direction in the kitchen, but Jason saw a puddle in another spot. He cleaned up what he saw, and then asked her again about where her "accident" was, because looking around, he couldn't see what she had pointed to.

She matter-of-factly said:
'Daddy, if you take your shoes and socks off, you can find it.'

Yep.

Apparently he didn't.
Sure enough, about an hour later, I did. :-)

Lost gameboys and worshipping God...

Eli lost his gameboy a week ago.

If you know us, you know this is traumatic. He loves that thing. I do think it is a blessing, for the time being - even as I do hope for his sake we find it.

The painful part was his prayer tonight.

"Dear God, Please Please please help me find my gameboy. Please help me find it right away in the morning, when I first wake up. I have asked you every night for three nights to please please help me find it.
You can do it. You have all the power. I don't know why you don't want to? It's sort of confusing to me. But please help me find it. In Jesus name, Amen."

He walked away, blew his nose ( Allergy season!) and as he threw his tissue away, he began to pray again.

"God, thank you for mom and dad and Julia. Thanks for this day too. Amen"

He looked at me and said;

"You know mom, every time I go to pray, all I can think about is my gameboy. But I know those other things are important and God wants to hear about them too."
_________________

I remember somewhere along the way learning not to pray such things. Much like the disciples told the children not to approach Jesus. Jesus taught them otherwise. I'm once again learning to pray for help to find my keys when they're lost. :-) Eli's already got the lesson learned from the persistent widow in practice...:-)

Bigger than that though, is the process of learning that God isn't Santa Claus. He's better. And I would say that my pain is because it is hard for a 6 year old to comprehend that, but in reality, his prayer is so touching because it is so honestly where we all have been at one point or another, even as adults.

I prayed the same words when I desperately wanted to be free of panic attacks, & anxiety. I've prayed it over lesser wants. I prayed it when our daughter was dying.

There is something painful about the process of comprehending just how great God's power is, and then understanding it's not always "up for grabs" in the manner that we ask just because we ask for it.

Some experience that, and upon learning it, walk away. I did, for a while.

The temptation comes when we perceive a "no", or at least a delay in God's response to us. We begin to tell ourselves that maybe He doesn't really exist, or maybe He's not so powerful. Or maybe we're not worthy. And then our anger is directed to God for making us this way and then not accepting us.... the lies all take different forms, but they are all pretty powerful.
In my case, I tried to talk myself into being an atheist. I wasn't successful in the depths of my heart, in spite genuine effort and motivation at the time. His presence and existence are just undeniable, and was so even in my anger. So I settled for believing in Him, but refusing to worship a God that would allow such things to happen and refuse to answer such simple prayers.

What a common spiritual battle... God battles for us to really know Him. Satan battles for us to shallowly believe we already do.

I'm thankful for the story of the prodigal son. And Peter. And the sinful woman. I'm thankful I had precedence to come back after such actions.

Somewhere along the way we begin to limit our image of God to our own sense of justice and logic. No wonder we would quickly tire of worshipping Him. If He didn't call us to a greater understanding of Himself outside the perimeters of ourselves, we would most likely end up worshipping the mirror... being impressed with all the good things we could call God into action for.

But His "No's", and His delays... His permission for pain to enter our life; they all make us take a second glance at who we think He is. The doubts bring about right questions... and if hang in there and we really grapple with them, we get deeper, better, answers than the superficial ones we often satisfied ourselves with previously.

No doubt, this is a risk.
Some walk away, for a time. Some walk away forever.

But for those that grapple with it - for those that begin to understand their place in relation to Him instead of His power in relation to them...they win. He gains worshippers who truly serve Him and not an image of Him in their own mind, and they find what they had always hoped was there...

Invincible power.
Eternal love.
Presence and working in every situation.
Promises and Trust.
Peace.

Real peace.


Even when the gameboy stays lost and the daughter remains in the grave. (For now....)


I grew up learning of God. I thought I knew God was powerful. I thought I understood His love and goodness.
But in His refusal to instantly gratify some of my wants, in His willingness to tell me no, I began to understand a depth of His power and the intensity of
His love that far superseded my imagination.

And the peace I rest in daily because of that assurance is more satisfying than any artificial peace I would have created by having every whim my limited imagination could dream up answered and put into place.


God has said yes to things I never even dared to pray out of embarrassment. He has said no to things I desperately pleaded for.
And I have learned He is worthy of every last bit of praise I have to offer... everytime.

Pain in the neck. (Yep, really.)

So I woke up this morning with quite a bit of pain in my neck. ( Not proverbial.)

Our dear, wonderful friend Shawn (who's a physcial therapist) came by and worked on my head, neck and shoulders, helping immensely ( THANK YOU!) , and informed me once again that my computer and posture is the culprit behind my pain.
Somehow his suggestions for improvement evoked feelings in me much like what I imagine an addict being told about what they have to do to rehab feels like.....

But I'm still blogging for a minute.:-)
Just one more time. I can do it. It won't hurt anyone!
I'll start being better tomorrow.

Oh yeah. I do have a problem. But if admitting it is half the problem... I'll just start there tonight.

Just kidding. I'm sitting up tall, and facing the screen directly RIGHT NOW!

You know she really likes you when....

It cracks me up, but when Julia feels especially affectionate, she doesn't use the normal "I love you" or similar terms to express it.

No, instead she slides up beside you with a side hug and says to you:

"I like your shirt."

Doesn't matter what you are wearing. Doesn't matter where you are... church, in the yard, cleaning, just got done exercising, if you are mom or a stranger.
If she just feels like she likes you right then, she says it.

"I like your shirt."

And she says it so cutely, you sort of feel happy- like you really do have a nice shirt on, and are pretty special since she thinks so about you.

Oh that I could use that line with the same power & influence whenever I wanted to!

Kindergarten has the best diet plan

Sitting at the table yesterday, Julia decides to assert that apple juice is her favorite drink. In typical sibling fashion, Eli decides to see if he can take issue with the appropriateness of her choice.

Eli - "I don't even know if apple juice is healthy Julia."

Me - "Well, it's not as healthy as eating an actual apple, but it's a lot healthier than a Coke."

Eli - "Yeah, Coke doesn't even have vitamins. It goes in the fats and oils, and sweets category."

Leave it to the good old food pyramid to blow my vision of my favorite drink!

How much do we trust Him?

Been catching up on good reading lately. I have been captivated by reading the book "End of the Spear" by Steve Saint - a much more in-depth look at the story portrayed in the recent movie. It is captivating to me...and I wanted to share a little of it. At this moment, I am reading Steve's writings of the conversation with the Waodani that took place following his aunt's death, and revealing the actual details of how his father and the other 4 missionaries were killed, and by whose hand. I guess this is especially fascinating to me, because as this was occurring, I was in the same country learning the original story of what had happened as well. I'll share the parts that have impacted me the most this week.



"Several years ago, my dad's brother Sam died. His daughter told me that he wanted me to have a spear that had been found in Dad's body. She gave me several, but did not know which one it was. When I got them home and was alone, I finally looked at them closely. It was hard to do, but one of them caught my attention. The tip had broken off. I noticed a speck of white near the tip. I examined it closely and saw that it was a tiny fragment of a New Testament that had been taken from the beach. It is customary for the Waodani warriors to decorate the spears they are going to use on their enemies with something that belongs to that enemy or something that would be associated with that enemy. There was little doubt that I was actually holding the spear that took my dad's life.
....The Wadoani had one more burning question for me, and then we were all anxious to change the subject. One of the men who had not been a part of the spearing party asked me, " All the other foreigners being speared, the smallest one got to the far side of the river; what about that? What about what? I wondered. "What did he do?" I asked. Another warrior answered, "Not fleeing, he just stood their and called to us, 'We see you well; why are you spearing us? We see you well; why are you spearing us?'" ... Their question was, " Being on the far side of the river, why was he not fleeing?"
"Surely fleeing, you would have just tracked him down and speared him anyway?" I meant it as a question, but I know the Waodani are expert trackers. Even I could probably track someone wearing tennis shoes.
The Waodani said "Baa"- No. One of the warriors told me, as though he was revealing a dark secret, "When we speared, first we were furious. Then having speared, we were afraid. If he had fled just a little, surely he would have lived. "
I could see the pain on their faces. They were all wishing that at least one of the five had survived their hatred. I think they would have liked to have been able to explain to at least one of the men that they had gone to spear them because hatred was the only way they knew to live then. As Mincaye says "We acted badly, badly until they brought us God's carvings. Now, seeing His markings and following His trail, we live happily and in peace. "

(** Now I know this is long, but the following is the part I love. It carries weight because it is not a flippant, untested statement, but one rooted firmly in love and faith that has been weathered and born though the reality of pain and loss. - h )

It is only my conjecture, because none of us can know the will of God, but I think it fit God's plan that all five men died. I know that might offend some who have a narrower opinion of parameters within which God must operate, but I don't think what happened to my dad and his four friends caught God by surprise. Nor do I think God simply allowed it. No, after learning in detail what happened on January 8, 1956 - while I was so anxiously waiting to see the speck of my dad's little 56 Henry airplane appear over Penny Ridge- I believe God was much more involved in what happened than merely failing to intervene.
... If I could go back now and rewrite the script, I would not change a single scene. I have come to understand that life is too complex and much too short to let amateurs direct the story. I would rather let the Master Storyteller do the writing. I don't say that casually....


The details Steve Saint shares of the impact and results of that day are profound.

The scene John records in Revelation 6:9-11 in fresh on my mind because of a recent look at his life and writings:
"When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the alter the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the earth and avenge our blood?" Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brother who were to be killed as they had been was completed."

What I love is that the picture of God is one of patience because of His eternal vision and faithfulness. He knows of our capacity to change and turn from even the darkest lifestyle because of the power of love and faithfulness.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ( Rev. 21:4)

Gikita, the Waodani Indian who fueled and led the spearing raid on the five missionaries that day, got a taste and a glimpse of this peace & promise of God because of God's holy patience and the faithfulness of men willing to die for what they knew to be true of God. They were ready to die. The Waodani were not.

After Steve shared with Gikita the news of Rachel Saint's death, Gikita responded:
"Babae, being old I, too am soon going to die. Going to live, then, in God's place, I will wrap my arms around your father, whom I speared first. There we will live happily together."

What an amazing God we serve. What an amazing gift He offered us. What an amazing story He continues to tell the world through us, if we let Him.

WOWEEE. What a weekend.

Wow.

HUGE AMEN to all that our amazing God did at workshop! There was more than one of us who I think were slightly skeptical in the recesses of our heart about what it would look like ... and I have been completely and rightly humbled by my God and what He taught me. I have been on this journey ... but moving at a snails pace for sure.
We are going to travel to the Christian Church's national conference ( their version of the Tulsa Workshop) and my excitement is just intensifying daily.
Hope! That is what this weekend tasted like.
What a thrilling experience to discard the suspicious attitudes and embrace brothers and sisters that love Jesus with all their heart, revere and memorize His word because they love it deeply, and be okay with the fact that we sometimes arrive at different conclusions but can still unite in calling Him Lord, spreading the fame of His gospel, and show love, support, affection and genuine unity with each other.
How humbling and deeply rewarding it was to listen to Bob Russell - a no name to me a few days ago...( I am ashamed of that. ) - and one whom I will listen much more to now. How inspiring to deal with real issues in a manner that seems consistent with all I can study on my own in His word... though inconsistent with some of what I grew up being been taught in the past.
Thank God for men who step out in faith based on conviction despite all the naysaying.
I pray I move more and more on conviction and not in fear of what others think and say and balance that with continued respect for those who genuinely differ in opinions. Still growing up there....

Autograph shmatograph.

So we got an unexpected surprise... and got to go see "The Wizard of Oz" children's play on this wonderfully rainy morning.

The kids loved it, and afterwards... we were in line to meet and greet the actors/actressess, as Julia really wanted to hug Dorothy. They had both picked up coloring sheets and many of the kids were asking the cast to autograph their papers. So I leaned down and asked Eli if he wanted them to sign his sheet. His reply?
"No, it's already signed."

I looked down, and sure enough, he had printed his own name in big bold yellow crayon right at the top.

Guess that's all he needed. :-)

Make time to smell the roses, and listen to the important lessons....

Angie - you mentioned Rick Atchley in your comment, and I just have to tell you I listened to a sermon of his just tonight that has me up late, studying, writing and profoundly impacted. It is powerful - and though I know I may take some heat for this, I want to put it out there because I feel like what he says could change the shape of the church with the issues we face right now, if we really got the message out there. If I could do a link right, ( TERESA - HELP ME!) I would, but I can't.

You can go to the Richland Hills website,
www.rhchurch.org
and look for sermons on the left hand - the one I listened to was from March 1st, called "Learning Division." .

IT is WORTH the WHOLE listen.

A good quote shared...

Okay - another steal from Mike Cope who shared a quote he loved... and I in turn fell in love. But it describes perfectly some of the aspects that I love about God's word...

Barbara Brown Taylor:

For all the human handiwork it displays, the Bible remains a peculiarly holy book. I cannot think of any other text that has such authority over me, interpreting me faster than I can interpret it. It speaks to me not with the stuffy voice of some mummified sage but with the fresh, lively tones of someone who knows what happened to me an hour ago. Familiar passages accumulate meaning as I return to them again and again. They seem to grow during my absences from them; I am always finding something new in them I never found before, something designed to meet me where I am at this particular moment in time.

This is, I believe, why we call the Bible God’s “living” word. When I think about consulting a medical book thousands of years old for some insight into my health, or an equally ancient physics book for some help with my cosmology, I understand what a strange and unparalleled claim the Bible has on me. Age does not diminish its power but increases it. . . .

The word of God turned out to be plenty strong enough to withstand my curiosity. Every time I poked it, it poked me back. Every time I wrenched it around so I could see inside, it sprang back into shape the moment I was through. In short, the Bible turned out not to be a fossil under glass but a thousand different things — a mirror, a scythe, a hammock, a lantern, a pair of binoculars, a high diving board, a bridge, a goad — all of them offering themselves to me to be touched and handled and used.


I love it when someone else has good words for what my heart had been saying and feeling all along!

It's not my party and I'll cry if I want to....

Eli was invited to a birthday party today. Julia wanted to go.

I explained that this was a boy's party, and it was just for Eli. She was not convinced.

Tearfully she replied:
"But if girls don't go to boy's parties, we won't get married?!"

Who is teaching her this stuff? Seriously!!!

Out of the mouths... countinued.

Oh the joys of a food-o-phobic. Julia's a major one right now, and this week has been filled with one battle after another over her nutrition habits. Eli's kindergarten teacher even sent us a bag of marshmallows and a card today, encouraging us to have a real "food fight" with these, and to let all the other families eat their vegetables. :-) Love that. We're up for it.

We took Julia to McDonald's for lunch. She was eating a chicken nugget happy meal, and wanted to share her ketchup, which she loves, with me. She said:

"Here's some ketchup for you momma. It's to help when you don't like the potato or the chicken inside."

Yep. Food-o-phobic.

From the mouths of babes and princessess.

Okay. I hope noone is offended by the content of the following post. However, this conversation, recorded exactly as it happened, was just too funny not to post!

It started with a conversation between Jason, Julia and I, talking about her intentions to marry Jacob.

Jason: Well, Julia, should we go ahead and buy your dress?
Julia: Nooooo Daddy. When Lily and I grow up and become princessess, then we will get married.
Jason: Oh. Well you know that nobody turns into a princess until they're 30, right?
Julia: No, Daddy, when we're 40.
Jason: Well, even better! Am I married to a princess, Julia?
Julia: No.
Jason: Your right! I'm married to a queen!
Julia: No, Momma's a princess.
Jason: But when you get married, you turn from a princess into a queen!
Julia : No, then the queen turns into the witch.

Of course, then we terrified her by our eruption of laughter.
I would hope this is simply Disney having more influence in her life rather than her actual observations, but I'm betting there are some weeks when everyone feels that way! :-)

Loving what He loves, and less of self.

Been reading C.S. Lewis's "The Great Divorce" and John Piper's "The Pleasures of God".

I think it somewhat of a divine coincidence to be reading the two at the same time, for the thoughts spurred on by writers who never knew each other , and the timing of each for the needs I have personally are just amazing.

In Ohio, at my grandmother's death, I experienced a deep hurt, a spiritual attack of sorts, one that if I explained might seem shallow to most, yet I knew was intended to transform me to the core. I've not really been able to write about it, and don't know that I will, but still find myself going through the transformation that it initiated even today, and the readings compound the process.

I wanted to share a quote from C. S. Lewis, that was especially clenching to my heart in this joyful yet difficult process of trying to give up myself :

"Son", he said, "ye cannot in your present state understand eternity....But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective. Not only this valley but all earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved. Not only twilight in that town, but all their life on earth, too will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say say 'Let me but have this and I'll take the consequences': little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin...."

I feel that this vision, uniquely stated for me today but that echos the timeless truths God has told us about Himself, is so critical to focus on as I try to 'love what He loves' more than I love my own desires.

As I look back ... I eagerly desire to see His victory at every turn rather than my own poor efforts at self satisfaction. What a vision, to be able to behold your own life through His power and working, ... to not have to sum up yourself at the end ... but rather to have it all defined by Him....

11th Anniversary

11 Years.

Celebrated tonight by the sight of my husband standing on stage singing in a bathrobe to a church full of women. Hmmmm. A mental image many want to be rid of. Not what I envisioned for an anniversary dinner. :-)

I laugh, and yet, this is part of why I love him.

His confidence, his laughter, his sensitivity, his honesty... and his love for people and for God.... all intrigued me when we met. However, I wasn't always trusting of him.... and despite his sensitivity he wasn't thrown off by me. I am thankful, now.

God has used him to grow me up so much.

We are both pretty headstrong people. It is amazing we survived our first year of marriage. Many nights were marked by the immature race to slam the door & see who could peel out of the parking lot fastest & loudest, leaving the other one to 'sit at home' and think about what they'd done or said wrong...

Thankfully, God's spirit has had much more reign over the last years than the first.

My biggest desire, in all my hopes and fears of marriage, was that I would find someone who would love God more than he loved me. I knew that if I did, our marriage would have a chance of lasting.

I remember praying to God about that in my heart, and later, having a conversation with Jason ( before we were really dating) when he replied to a 'hypothetical' question with that very response...
And I thought to myself "Him, Lord?!?"

What a sweet yes God gave me just a few years later.

Through Jason, He has humbled me, and showed me how to forgive and ask forgiveness. He has loved the most unloveable parts of me. He has confronted me, challenged me, ignored me, prayed with me and for me. He has lifted me up, served me, protected me and put up with me. How rare it is to find a person who will not only tolerate, but embrace knowing another human so intimately, despite the mess they encounter.

I understand why marriage is such a window into the divine relationship we have with God.

Any imperfections, and even the sum of all of them, don't compare to the joy of pursuing God in the comfort of a relationship with someone who is doing the same. And in fact, that comfort redefines all the imperfections in the first place.

So bathrobe and all...
I'll be beyond blessed to take as many more years as the Lord will give us! :-)

I am only 3, but I am woman... hear me roar....

Okay. Obviously the last post gave just a taste of insight into the power struggle going on in our house at this stage in Julia's life.
I admit... it has been rough lately with her.

Have you ever had a thought.. and simultaneously as you speak it, the other person says something else? Those moments can be funny, awkward, or perfectly classic. This morning Julia and I had a moment... that I thought summed up where we are at perfectly.

We were having a 'pouty face stare off'... and I finally shifted to a smile... as did she. I scooped her up into my arms, hugging her, and said "You are such a little independant thing...." while at the same time, hugging me tightly, she said "I think I'm gonna marry myself."


At this point, I think so too. :-)

Bad Parenting 101

You know those little 'foot powered' toddler cars? Ours is red, with a little yellow roof. We've had it for a while... it gets used well.

Julia, however, decided today that her brother's head looked like a good target for road kill, and 'drove' right over it. That didn't sit well with him.

I, astonished at her brazeness, began to yell quite loudly at her. At one point, I asked the proverbial:

"How would you like that if I did it to you?"

Julia thought seriously, and boldly said :

"You wouldn't fit."

The next few moments were a blur, but at some point I remember looking up, scrunched into this car with one whole leg still hanging out, and seeing my husband, son and daughter stare at me with confused, slightly amused looks on their faces.

I think I forgot the point I was making... and lost a little respect in the process. Hate it when that happens.

Jesus & Unity -

I am challenged again by today's study in John, specifically with the insights Jesus gives us with the parallel of vines and branches. This quote in Beth Moore's study in particular hit me:

"One of the most important elements of the branch is that it remains open to the flow of the vine's life. If the branch were simply wound around the vine tightly, it would still die without producing fruit. The branch must be attached to the vine with an opennes to recieve from it... So often we have our own agendas about how we want to serve God. We spend untold energy and never produce lavish, God-glorifying fruit. We must be open to the power flow and the purposed work the Vine wants to accomplish."

I am convicted that many times I have been tightly wound around Jesus, having in mind what I want to produce for Him, but not being open to Him feeding into me what He desires to produce. Is it big enough? Significant enough? Safe enough? Dangerous enough? Manageable enough? ... All "yes" in Him... but I try and shape it to make sure it fits my desire, rather than waiting for Him to produce the real thing - which will always surprise me.

_______________UNITY_______________________


This issue of unity has been on my heart for a while. The upcoming workshop, the recent Christian Chronicle article.... and most of all Jesus' prayer for us to be one so that the world would know He was from God....

I never realized that Jesus prayed this on His way to Gethsemane. Last words carry great weight. Having recently been with my grandmother before she died has brought that all the more clearly to mind.

I admit, the proposal of this year's Workshop at first announcement surprised me. And much of what is engrained in me struggled with the concept, -a worthy struggle as it helped me identify much dross that needed cleaned out. It has been one of the most worthwhile journeys this year.

It is never a vain journey to take a fresh look at scripture ...
... to discard what you thought may have been
there when you discover it really wasn't...

...to embrace what you never noticed before
because Jesus said it, even if you don't
understand it fully yet...

... to delight in what you have known before but
gained new appreciation and application for...


This pursuit of unity is multi-faceted. Many different convictions, opinions, timetables and struggles exist in the heart of genuine believers. As we embrace unity among believers, we embrace each unique believer, not just the concept of unity.

God calls us to do everything in faith, and to not step on the toes and consciences of those who can't make a move in faith. Yet there are bold words at times in scripture directed to those who make moves not in faith but in falsely placed convictions not rooted in Him.

I have been found standing in the shoes of each of
these categories. I have made mistakes, and been genuine in the making of them. I have been slow to respond to truth. I have stepped on the conscience of others. I have not moved in faith when I should have, and moved when I shouldn't have. ...opened my mouth in conviction when I shouldn't have and kept it shut when I shouldn't have.

So I come back to this struggle again. How do we balance conviction and humility? How do we genuinely honor those at a different place than us, as Paul encouraged sensitivity (1 Corinthians 8) to those who had always been raised to believe something incorrect, and yet move people to truth when we are convicted by it?

Paul did a great job concerning the council at Jerusalem. He was convicted of his message and understanding, but was not threatened by the possibility of more to learn, or teach.

I think humility is at the heart. I can trust that my motives are full of holes if my heart is filled with animosity and condecension towards someone I disagree with.

Are we quick to call one a 'heretic' or a 'Pharisee' simply because they disagree with our own view at the time? I'm reminded that it was a Pharisee who went to collect the body of our Lord after he died. I imagine Jesus shared meals with those who others gossiped about as heretics.

I don't see name calling as prevelant a practice among Jesus and the apostles as it is among us. When the apostles looked down their nose at someone else, our Christ didn't reward them, he rebuked them. We hear name calling all the time. In conversations, blogs, emails, behind closed doors, 'just between you and me'.... Does that reveal something about our own wrongly placed confidence? Our wrongly motivated hearts? Can we be passionate towards some and disgusted with others and still be within the will and high calling of the agape love of the One we desire to serve?

There is a time to turn tables. There is a time to wash feet. There is a time to sacrifice our freedom for the sake of others. There is a time to call others to His truth. Every time is a time to love.

Does that sound like a pansy answer? Try it. Do it well. Then see if it's easy. The biggest battle will always been in the deep testing of our own heart first.

More.... abundant life

I have to post this quote from C.S. Lewis as I just continue to be challenged by my study this week...

"If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing,I submit this notion has crept in from Kantand the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not to strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far to easily pleased."

I didn't grow up with knowing we serve a God who not only desires for us to believe in Him but desires for us to know His desire to reward us when we seek Him. I knew abundant life only as phrase, not as an intention of relationship. I love growing in the depth of this meaning! I love growing more and more in love with Him!

UH OH

I'm catching up on all I missed and going through mail, email, etc tonight. One of Eli's paper's from school happens to catch my eye. He was to formulate sentences with "ot" words. This is what was written:

I just had to laugh and wonder what in the world has happened in my absence?

"I got pot."
"I see dots."
"I got a hot pot."
"I am hot."
"I got a knot."
"I'm seeing spots."

Should I be worried about this already?!?

Back home..

Well - got in late last night from Ohio. Danna - thanks for praying what I couldn't. God blessed us with about 8 hours together before Alice passed away. What a privilege.

There is so much to write, so much I probably can't, and more that is still mulling around in my head and heart. I can't even count how many random moments started a blog line in my mind... but I didn't have a laptop, thankfully for all of you. :-)


Still much catching up to do with my family, as well, so it still may be a little while till I post again. The stack of mail and emails is high... though my sweet husband had the house so clean, (even kitchen floors mopped) when I got in last night - no complaining at all here. I missed everyone. Tons.

Thanks for your prayers. And Dusty... don't blow my cover man. Did you ever think that maybe Mike and Wade were just my alias's?

Terry's protege speaks again....

It's 9:00 pm and the kids are supposed to be in bed... but Julia begged for some "dezerk" (dessert) as she calls it.

Eli wanted a Zebra cake... and Jason instead suggested some leftover coffee cake.

The kids reservedly agree, try the cake, and Eli says:

"They shouldn't call this the coffee cake. They should call it the "deliciou-o-nator'!

I think that was a compliment. ;-)

and death will be swallowed up in victory...

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever." -Thessalonians 4:13-17

Theresa - thanks for putting this on your blog, even as you struggled. I prayed with you, but didn't realize that even as you wrote that God would use your comfort to bring me some too. - In fact, much comfort, as the words were fresh on my heart. My, how God is bringing home the reality of resurrection power to us this weekend.

I was hoping to go visit my sweet grandmother, in Ohio next weekend, who had been very ill, but was getting better. Then a call this morning said she was not doing well... had taken a turn for the worse and it might be a matter of days. Then even in the midst of a whirlwind of planning, laundry, schedule rearranging, and etc to leave early in the morning, I get another note, now saying that they have taken out all IV's, tubes, etc, and are just keeping her comfortable with oxygen. I had all the energy in the world to rush around and get ready an hour ago. Now I just sit, here, writing. It's a 13 hour drive. Even a plane, had I been able to book one now, wouldn't be enough time, I don't think.

I'm okay with that. There is a part of sweet Alice that it would be just like her to do this. She's independent. My mom, my husband and I, her daughter, her niece,... all have asked her to let us help.... but she just likes to take care of herself. We have been asking for over seven years if she would let us move her down to live with us... she would always kind of lead you on, as if to think maybe she might say yes at some point... though you knew she never had any intention of it, really...

She is one of those people in life who you know you have been blessed to be loved by. I have known her all my life, yet I never knew if I had offended or hurt her, ever. She is just selfless, all the way around. I mean I know I had to have hurt her, at some point, even unintentionally, as that is just how life goes. But I sat here this morning realizing I can't remember her ever sharing anything she was upset with me about. That's just how she lived life. She wasn't petty, in a real sense. Oh- she'd give you a hard time, or talk about this or that.... but to know her upset or offended... I haven't.

Even with those she loved who hurt her deeply... there was always a continuing spirit of love, of hope, and even in sadness, a looking to the future and what God might work in. She didn't need you to love her. She was sufficient in God, which allowed her to love you more wholeheartedly and unconditionally than most of us ever practice loving anyone else.

I think that is why it hurts to lose her. She's rare. I so want to be like her. I so wanted to be with her as she makes this passage back to Him. But I don't want to even pray for that, and hold her back from His glory for one selfish minute, if this is His timing.

Jason and I were speaking of the passage above, and the beauty God gives us in it. We always wonder what death is like... yet the analogy God gave us, we experience almost every night. Once we fall asleep, when Morning comes, we're never really aware of how long we were asleep... we just rise to a New Day. And on her day of Rising, the night or length of night, will hold no memory in comparison to the brightness of the Son she awakes to. And we will all behold that together.

If you think to, I would love an additional prayer on her behalf today.. that she be released to sleep quickly and painlessly, and that she would feel the immense love of so many who cherish her here to make that passage easier on this end of life as we understand it. Thanks.

I'm still leaving in the morning, so prayers to cover my family would be a comfort to me too. Thanks for your faithful friendship.

I think I've got the photo thing down!

Just had to throw these in because they are fun! ( And to see if I could do it.)
I should be in bed by now.

D

I'm at home after all....

So I am not volunteering at Extreme Home Makeovers tonight. And yes, I'm sad. Oh well. I'm excited it is done!

***
Abbey - this is for you. You know. I know. It's okay. - Haha! I want you to know you CRACK ME UP!!! ( and Jason too!) we were just laughing out loud. And you have to know... the cooking and kids thing MUST be more genetic than either of us realized! (That was Jason's first comment about what we have in common!)

***
A random quote from Eli last night:
"Mom - I think you do a good job in your work. I'm not saying you DO a good job, because really I don't know what you do and if your good. I'm just saying I THINK you do good, because I like you."
Gotta love that honesty.

***
And for those doing the Beth Moore study - I just have to share this quote from day 3 that hit my heart so personally:
( Remember the scene at the beach when Jesus returns following the resurrection? I love the picture of John following along, and the whole discussion with Peter in which Jesus lays love as a foundation for any following Peter will do from this point forward...) She says:
"I am convinced that love is everything, but I wasn't the first one convinced. I simply follow in a long line of believers who failed their way into the discovery that love is the highest priority and motivating force in the entire life of faith."

That is so me. I am growing more and more passionate about what I used to consider weak, because it's power to change outweighs all other motivations. No wonder Jesus said all the law and prophets hung on that. We can think we get everything about truth, right vs. wrong, and be passionate about it all. But if we don't get love, we're just an annoying, and irrelevant sound "clanging" in the background of everyone's life. But when we "get" real love, and live with loving others as our highest priority, that can motivate change and cause others to respond to even the hardest truths because of the intrigue of real, genuine love.

***
Speaking of love, Steve Saint, (End of The Spear) who I got to hear Wed. night, shared part of an interview he had with a USA today reporter. The reporter came because he had to see for himself that the story, and these men, were real. When he questioned Steve about his relationship with Mincaye, he seemed somewhat appalled at Steve's choice. He said he could understand eventually forgiving the man that killed his father. But welcoming him into his family and calling him "grandfather" ? That was "morbid", in his words. But to watch these men relate, you know that not only has forgiveness resolved the offenses between them, but genuine love defines their relationship with each other now. It is obvious in their every move.
Morbid? No. I can see how it is foreign to a world that doesn't live this way. But I think it is a powerful, faith filled story that parabolically reminds us that Christ loved us while we were yet enemies of His. If He could do it, I think it would be only natural that the more we follow Him, the more we find ourselves empowered to do the same.

INSANITY- But I CAN"T Help MYSELF.

Stacey, Jason and I took our kids and went out to the site for Extreme Home Makeover today - it was pretty exciting. Apparently this is the biggest house they have done so far! We ran into Jason M. who was volunteering as well!

After talking to him, Stacey and I both wanted to see if we could volunteer, and signed up! If we could have stayed right then, they were ready to get us shirts and everything, but we couldn't with the kids there. Jason agreed to watch our kids to let us do the graveyard shift on Friday night. WOO HOO! What a man!
There is no guarantee we will get called, but I hope so. That's not normally my thing, but it really is an exciting thing they are doing, and it has made my mind run non- stop with spiritual analogies and thoughts and I would love more of that. It made me think more about things like Habitat for Humanity, etc, etc,.
There is something so impacting when you see tons of everyday people working together for a common purpose.
I think there is an element of this that Jesus wanted us to look like in the church, but that at times I fear we have lost. Bobby made the analogy lately about when one just feeds themselves, they get fat and lazy. Spiritually speaking, I know in my head that there is some maturing that can only come from serving others, but my heart is slow to serve in this particular manner. I have a passion for study, but I am challenged lately with how that is put to use beyond feeding myself spiritually. Today's experience aroused that more in me. So I am eager for more.

It was fun to take our kids out there. I don't know if they will remember it, but we prayed together for the family. I pray God will take something our kids are familiar with because of the world, and use it to make a spiritual impression on their (and my!) hearts!

I'm in.

Starting Bad Habits... but GREAT memories

Okay.
Extreme Home Makeover is in Dewey, Oklahoma for a week starting today! I don't know how far Dewey is, (within an hour?) - But Eli LOVES this show. (The kid would watch This Old House on PBS all the time if we let him.)

So.... I think we are going to surprise him and take him out of school on Wednesday for a family day trip just to check it out. And maybe Incredible Pizza Co. afterwards. I'm thinking that these life lessons are worthwhile investments too.

He has had and AWESOME two weeks in school - some of the best ever.... and has been working hard for that.

Do you ever remember something that your parents did that was out of the ordinary and special to you because of it?

I don't know what this title is, and it's past my bed time.

Theresa - your not the only one who thinks too much:

Eli wanted to watch Disney's "A Highschool Musical". He's been waiting weeks to see it, and I wasn't sure what to expect so I watched it with him - and really enjoyed it. However, I did find myself wondering what he was thinking - since he's not really exposed to "cliques" and such that go on in highschool, and that was part of the storyline. We talked some and then I told myself to stop worrying and just let him enjoy the movie...

At the most climatic part of the movie , the lead characters are singing together :
"We're flying... we're soaring ... there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach..."

I'm sitting fully emotionally engaged in the moment..with a big goofy smile on my face, imagining I'm the girl in the movie.... and Eli says:

"That's not really true, right mom. There are stars in heaven that we can't reach. They're just saying this because they don't have a God in this movie. Because it's all just make-believe. It could be real.. but it's not really right now. Right?"

Right. Even as it kind of blew the moment for me, I was pretty impressed. I don't give the kid as much credit as I should. He was thinking way deeper than I was. It was a brilliant moment. I hope he can be so discerning throughout life.

And when it was all over, we got up and danced around the living room, singing together. Love these moments. And I love that God is always there.

________________________________________

End of the Spear was AWESOME!
And for those of you who watched it... the director told us a story at the screening that has stuck with me. I don't know if I have the details exactly right, but what I remember is this:

You'll remember in end of the movie the scene where Mincaye shares with Steve Saint that he saw the men "jump the great boa" while still alive? (referencing their spirits?)
The story these men actually shared with those involved was that they (those who killed the missionaries) had been out in areas surrounding the village while Rachel and Elisabeth were living among them. One day the women pulled out a record player, and began to play a record of a choral group, ( I believe it was the Morman Tabernacle Choir) or something along those lines.
The men, at hearing the sound, came running from all different directions to find them. After questioning the women about who it was and how they sang, and so on, they revealed that they had heard singing like this on the day that they killed the five men.

Wow.

_______________________________________________

And one last note: on friendship.
How good it is - to find those who love you, and accept you at your worst. Who stick by you when you are no fun to be around. Who hang in there.Who make you laugh - even at yourself in this state. They don't judge you, they aren't scared off by you. They know who you are even when your not.

I read something about a friend being one who know how to sing your song back to you when you have forgotten how the tune goes. In eternal terms, that speaks to me. Thanks.

__________________________

Don't forget your baseball attire at church tomorrow!

End of the Spear

If you haven't heard this story.. or been inspired from history by these men... please see this movie. And if you have... please see it anyway! Opening weekend is this weekend - send a message to Hollywood that we want more like this to come from there!

It is an amazing story... and if you see it, please let me know. I have some cool stories to share with you that aren't in the movie, told to us by the director at a screening we attended in Tulsa.

It touches close to our hearts, of course, because it took place in Ecuador, and in fact part of the story was taking place while we were living there. It is truly inspiring.

Almost 60 of us from church will attend Friday night, maybe more - what a fun night, and exciting faith challenge to walk through together as a family!

"He is no fool, who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose...."

Sorry - it runs in the family, kid.

Life has been CRAZY busy.. and will continue to be I'm afraid through March. I feel guilty even posting this with the piles of "to do" sitting in front of me, but I just had to put this up there.

Madeline (5 years old) rode in the car with us the other night. Here's how the conversation went between she and Eli:

Eli: "Madeline, are you my friend right now? Because I just want to know. I mean if your not my friend, it's okay, but it just kind of feels like maybe your not my friend right now. And I just want to know. Are you my friend right now?"

Madeline: Long Pause. "Well Eli, it's just that you've been talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and I just got kind of tired of it. "

Eli: "Oh. Okay."

Jason: ( With his head bowed in guilt, and wispering:) "Dear God, I am so, so sorry....."

Autographs between 3 and 6 pm only please,...

This is one of those treasured moments with Eli:

Eli - "Mom, I have to tell you about a boy in my class, Matthew. Everyone was making fun of him and I did too. But I didn't do it to be mean - I just did it to be funny. They were singing "Jingle bells, Matthew smells.", and I thought that was funny. "

Me - "Do you think Matthew thought it was funny?"

Eli - "No."

Me - "If I did that to you, would you feel good, or feel like I was your friend?"

Eli - "No. I guess I should tell him I'm sorry tomorrow. But I can't just tell him I'm sorry -I need to prove I'm sorry by not doing it again."


More conversation passed, and then Eli said:
"Mom - you know I didn't want to tell you about this because I thought to myself 'She will be mad'. But then I thought in my head (he changes his voice to that of a sulking child) "I really want to do what God wants."

I shared I was so proud of him, shared the story with his dad, and then Jason said "You should blog that." (As we use the blog for a family journal too.)

Eli saw me blogging this and said "Are you sending out my story?"

I said "Yep."

He asked - "To who? Who will get it?"

I said, "Well, I guess anyone who has the internet could read it."

He smiled really big, and said "Do you think a lot of people will come to our house now and ask for my autograph?"

He then assured me he was just kidding. Sometimes I'm amazed he is only 6.

Life just got joyfully bigger.

Okay - so I have to explain where I have been for the last few days,and also confess to T & D that I MAJORLY blew my points for the last two days. ( I told you that you would know when I dropped off the face of email!)

Well, my family has 'officially' expanded.
Most of you know I'm adopted, and I have had some contact with my birthmom over the last six or seven years. I got the exciting news yesterday that over the weekend she shared all of this with her daughters, Abbey and Katie, who are both in college. This sort of sets a different tone and direction to all of our interactions... and it is such a blessing.

A flurry of emails, and a phone call with Abbey has just intensified my feelings of excitement and privilege at getting this opportunity. It's all new, and as Abbey commented, there aren't really "Etiquette" books on how to do all of this, but I feel pretty rich, to inherit at this stage of life a whole new family in addition to all I already have. I'm hoping to get to talk to Katie soon - as life & comfortability on her end allow.

It's hard to put into words what all of this means, but I feel again, way out of my league in their generosity and in the richness of being invited not just to be known, but to be known as a sister.

It conjures up all new emotions at the idea of how we are "adopted" by God. :-)

So all that to both share with you my fun celebrations over on this side of town, ( because I love how you celebrate with me!) and to ask you to pray for God to be blessing all of this and working in anything that might be difficult in all the newness. He is so good!

For Resistance, add a 3 year old to your work out!

Today was a totally fun day.

Eli's first basketball game!
We knew it would be fun when the lights went out, a fog machine and spotlight came on, a loud speaker played "Let's get ready to rumble" and each player ran out to his name and loud booming music to generate excitement. ( Yes, some kids did look overwhelmed themselves as they ran to their spot.) This church does AWESOME in how it invests in kids and families through this program. The game was exciting to watch, and the competitive side I always try and squelch TOTALLY came out in me.

Then on to the Curtis's birthday party - which was SO fun. Our kids ran around while we, okay I, played games. Got to play SKEEBALL... a hidden obsession of mine. My best games are played when no one is to the left of me, but I did pretty good, still. Okay, that's too sick obsessions confessed in two days. No more.
Best of all was just being with friends. I love that, and am totally blessed by that. I feel thankful for all that God has given me in so many wonderful friends. I remember times in my life having felt so completely alone, that I wondered if things like this ever happened besides in the movies. I'm eager for many who I know are out there that still feel that way to find out, even in simple ways how rich life in Him and with His people is. Even at a birthday party. I still never take a minute for granted.

And lastly, I totally blew the "points" for today (pizza at the birthday party...) so a loss there but I felt good about portion control - so I still count the day a victory in overall life style change. I just snacked for dinner.. and exercised tonight.

It was funny - in doing my exercise routine, Julia wanted to join me. She was trying to make it a bit more of a spa than a workout though. Every time I would lay down to do crunches, she would run and slip a pillow under my head while I was up saying "I got you mama" and then throw a blanket over me. I would switch to the other side for sit ups, and here she would come, carefully waiting for the rhythm and moment to slip that pillow under me and throw the blanket on top. I don't have weights yet, so she was ready at each interval of the workout to bring me my waterbottles to lift. Gotta love that girl.

Oh, sweet widgets....

My son is staring wide-eyed and still at a blank wall right now, sitting on his bed, completely engrossed in a CD Drama of the Chronicles of Narnia. For one who loves anything with a screen, this is a most precious picture to me.

He listened for an hour and half straight last night.

We bought the 19 CD set of all 7 books online for $29. It may have been the best purchase this year. ;-)


In other news, silly news, I LOVE widgets.
(www.widgets.yahoo.com)

Yes, this is a sick side of me, but I am obsessed with weather. Through widgets, I now have a radar screen of Tulsa, along with a weather screen / 5 day forcast on my desktop screen. Oh, and I have a digital clock, a calendar and a picture frame.

You can get anything from games to live video cams scientific laboratories. I could become obessessed if I didn't have a life. So I'll stop with the weather radar.

Not like I need it much right now anyway.

New Year's Resolutions

Okay... I said I would put these up here, so here goes. I don't know why this is hard... but I am inspired by Theresa ( who usually takes the lead in upfrontness and honesty - thank you friend!)

I think I fear that they would be considered cliche or boring.. or worse that having them out there only makes any failures that much more public, but at the same time I realize there is something powerful in accountability. It was the perfectionsistic part of me that would never claim to have goals just so I would never risk failure. I don't necessarily succeed any more than I used to, but I am less afraid to try now. I won't include all the specific "hows" for the boredom factor, but here are mine....:

1.Daily time in His Word.
I want to really learn to love Him with all of my heart. I can only love Him if I know Him...I can only know Him by spending time with Him & in what He reveals of Himself, not with who I think He is in my own head. I want to "grow up in (my) salvation". I see there is so much more... I want to take it in. I acknowledge that doesn't come by just "wishing" about who I want to be in Him... but by pursuing Him.

2. Daily Listening and Prayer.
This is tied together with the next one, but I too, am tired of the "falling asleep" prayers I tend to attempt. Or self centered prayers. I want to understand more wisdom & peace that grows out of a relationship to Him in prayer.

3. Pursue Peace.
The "be still and know" kind. Be anxious in nothing? I think much of my compulsive eating or silly financial decisions, or irritability with others, esp. family come from my refusal to sit back and identify with the peace of my Father. I stay wrapped up in my own little "type A" personality, with a little bit of "it's all dependent on me" drama thrown in there, and hence.. the mess. Usually, I'm the only one who thinks something's a mess, and I make it a bigger mess by me stress. I don't think that part of me is "in His image". I see Him able to rest, to wait, to be patient. I have to grow in this.

4. Pursue Health.
For me this is not just weight loss ( although that is a major component,) but a change of sleep habits, exercise, etc. I can only serve one master. In this area, it's usually not Him, or at least the fruits of who or what I serve don't seem consistent with the fruit of my Father. I want to honor that my body is His temple, and ultimately made for His use. My 12 am bedtimes and 5:30 risings leave me irritable, and grouchy. My lack of exercise and poor eating habits only add to the lack of energy. I fight with myself over my attitude, yet I am really at the center of the cycle in the first place. I know He created me for more than this. I'm afraid it starts with more peace and simplicity than I would like to admit or pursue.

5. Pursue a debt free life.
How many seminars? How many books?
'Let no debt remain outstanding except the unending debt to love one another... ' - Oh how I want to get there. I have been so blessed by other's generosity... I long to live more on that side than where I am at now. There is something valuable to be said for the longing in my life... it wasn't always there... the longing was for other things.. hence the debt. But I really desire to be out of debt ... and freed up to be in that realm of giving.. spending less time thinking of saving and paying. There is a joy.. an abundance in those who aren't tied to their bills. I realize that the "meantime" ( THANKS STUART...) finds me needing to pursue contentment & faithfulness, to pay off what we owe to whomever we owe it... and integrity & contentment is a worthwhile pursuit - so much He has for us to learn and give even now. Maybe it's just that I'm more and more on board with not being tied to this earth.

Well... there it is. 2006, or maybe life. ;-)
I'm most thankful that He says every morning His mercy is new. A good start, a new start, is always refreshing. Thankfully, we don't have to wait once a year... or be depressed when we already blew it.

He is always the place to start life over, anyday of the week.

Well - it's almost 10:30. Bedtime. ;-)

New Year Email Bible Study

Hey! Just putting this out there for any blog readers who want the info:
I think we will shortly be starting another daily email Bible study - if you are interested please let me know and I will send you the details.


Well, (after years of not making any..) I made 5 New Year's resolutions this year... with a flow chart of how & why I want to accomplish them. Disgusting... even to me, but I am excited at the same time.
I blew part of it already today... but I am finally giving up on the perfectionist part of me, which frees me up to start again, even on day two.

Diet Coke. Yes. Bleecchhh. But yes.

Teresa - I'm still up for the accountability if you are. I was thinking of emailing my Weight watcher points to you every day - then you would know when I dropped off email what I had just eaten....;-).

Just kidding.

Hope everyone feels their own fresh start today.

I sing because I'm happy....

Okay - this will not make much sense to most of you who read this. Skip by it if you want. Stu and Ang, Flee, etc. ... read on..

I'm not a sentimental person. I wish I were. My mom and husband wish I were too.

But tonight, as I drove to pick up TGI Friday's dinner (Julia's sick at home) I was listening to a new Selah Cd - Greatest Hymns. A friend here in Tulsa got me hooked on them ...and this CD took me back to a very special place in my heart....

It started with their version of "His eye is on the sparrow"..

(Sister Act?) .... Stu, Angie, Jon, Leonard, Terri, Flee, -everyone was there in the car with me, or rather I was far away .. in an apartment, or a living room, or a church, or car.... so many places where spontaneous heartfelt praise broke loose. Something about being with you all singing brought the most uninhibited songs out of my own soul... it's only happened a couple of times since.
I always knew I was out of my league singing with you all... but maybe it was because you all didn't think you were anybody special either that made me feel okay about it. You led in your heartpraise... and that always freed me up to do the same. I feel emotional about missing you tonight... and eternally thankful that He would put such experiences and such friends in my life.. Challenging me to take the lead in some other areas to do for someone else what you all did for me. I don't always lead well (and not at all when it comes to singing to Him) but you all shaped so much of who I am and more than that you shaped my confidence in Him in so many other areas.

Your friendship in Him is an eternal gift. Your voices continue to direct my heart towards him. Funny how moments that happened years and years ago still have present and powerful influence like we would never believe they would. Only He can work such miracles.

I can't wait for the next time I get to be a part of the chorus of your voices. Maybe I'll have to wait for the trumpet to blow... but I hope not.

Keep singing.... and blessing those around you by it.

Leaving the tree up all year long.

I know it's been a while - holidays, plus ton's of thoughts that I have yet to fully process... so little by little I'm sure they will find their way up here. This is one of those weeks where I would take a vacation from my own head if I could!

First, I'm not sure who all reads Mike Cope's blog... but his post from yesterday has just added to the 20 thoughts in my head. Good stuff. Always is.

The holiday season this year has been incredibly unique. We spent time with family that we rarely get to spend time with, and that was important and special. I find myself slowing down a bit more and yearning to have that quality time with those I haven't been around as much in the past. It's a nice place to get to, emotionally.

We have been incredibly blessed this year with the generosity of others. Overwhelmingly so. I can remember when on the mission field in Ecuador, having a conversation with a dear friend and mentor who was having a large house built in the country. Everything about the house was not her, and not her character of humilty and service. She really struggled with it, even as she was excited about the benefits it would bring their family in their efforts to serve others. It made an impression on me then, as part of the struggle was unfathomable to me. "Just be happy!", I thought. I understand more and more though now.
There is an unworthiness that comes with rich blessing. An uncomfortable unworthiness. Partially it is a worry about being judged - and being afraid whoever would judge you would be right! But even more so, it is the internal realization that you are out of your league when it comes to "deserving" whatever you've been given. You just can't even justify it yourself. For whatever reason, we just feel more comfortable, more competent to have "earned" things. Less "indebted" maybe.
I shared this with a friend last night... and shared some thoughts on Paul's learning to be content with "much" or "little" - and realizing that both are equal struggles more than I realized in the past.
In the conversation, she pointed out how sometimes material blessings serve as a physical reminder of the same emotions we should have about the daily gift of our salvation. I don't know why it hit me so clearly.. the way she said it, compiled with the obvious emotion of what I was expressing about a material blessing... but it hit, and it was right. Every day I get to be excited and rejoice!

Rejoice that my name is written in heaven... every single day.

Rejoice that mercy is BRAND NEW every single day for me.

Rejoice that every single day, I am way out of my league. I am lavishly blessed by One I can never repay. And I was His enemy when He gave me the gift in the first place.

That manger baby, this Holiday, family, gifts, generosity... all serve to play out in an earthly manner the Spiritual reality we get to live in every day.

How I long for that spirit of anticipation that filled me as a child waiting for Christmas morning to dwell in me every morning as a child of His!

"Two Duttle Loves"

Lessons from five & six year olds who sang "The Twelve Days of Christmas" for the church christmas program:

1. "Eleven pipers piping" is just unreproducibily cute in an african accent.

2. "Five golden rings" can in fact be sung so wholeheartedly as to drain your face of color every time you sing it.

3. From one dad - encouragement that the next time we need parents to help with costumes, talk to the moms. He confused "french hen" with "french bar maid" theme. Mom confirmed her having to step in and rescue the situation. :-)

4. Explain to the children exactly what they are singing about, or they will sing what they know. The program went perfect, but for those who missed practice, "two turtle doves" was also at times " two little doves, two duttle loves and "two dirty turds."
All sung genuinely and with beautiful sincerity.


Priceless.

You said WHAT?

Apparently my son asked Jason what was up with the whole coal in the stocking thing.

Jason's reply?

"Oh that's just something parents say to try and get their kids to obey them."

I was shocked. Jason's response? "Well- it's the truth!"

This is one time I unreservedly plan to use my blog to shame the man. :-)
OR, maybe I'll put coal in HIS stocking....;-)

Sing away, girl.

In the middle of night Julia calls for me. Groggily and reluctantly I drag myself to her bed. This is an improvement, as she is, after much reminding, at least staying in her bed instead of scaring me out of my mind by just standing next to me in the middle of the night.

"Mommy - do you want me to sing a song?" Bright eyes, full of excitement and genuine anticipation.

No Julia. Go back to sleep.

"But I weally weally want to sing you a song - it's 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'!

No Julia, not now. Go back to sleep.

"But don't you want the stars to shine?"


Hmmmm.


Okay. Sing your song.

She sweetly, in an unforgettable 3 year old way, does.

"Thanks mommy. I love you. Goodnight."

My body may not always agree, but to the heart, there are some things worth waking up for.

The (at least it won't be eternal) tape playing in my head....

Insecurity.

Sometimes I feel it makes the rounds like a bad virus.

I struggled majorly with it Thursday night. Then again yesterday. And again today.

It's an annoying feeling - the second guessing yourself, then the anger, then just the depression and certain conclusion that if you just stay out of everyone's life, the world around you would be much happier. Now I know better. But I thought at some point that if I knew better I wouldn't even struggle with the feelings anymore.

I wish I knew what was at the root of it. Is it a clever tactic of Satan? It would be a good one. (Besides - most of the time it isn't even an accurate portrayal of reality.) Is it a prevalent , self-destructive, ever present part of our own flesh? I'd believe it - it's always been there.I would even suggest hormones except that I know men aren't immune to it. And yes - the viral theory. I have had multiple conversations revealing that I am not alone in the struggle, even this week.

Yet I am struck by how God uses it for good, as He promises to do with all things if we love Him.

The alone time... the energy spent reevaluating and being introspective is always good and worthwhile. I NEVER come up empty handed when it comes to acknowledging areas in my heart and life and mouth that need improvement. The actions taken to make anything right that I can are never in vain.

The desperation is good. Insecurity keeps me from becoming dependent on those around me for my peace. I will always have something to be rightly judged for. And there will always be those ready to judge even if there wasn't. If I seek my peace in being blameless in my own actions, and always accepted by others, I get into that ugly circle of never being satisfied. Sometimes I just have to rest in Him and His acceptance of me - believing that it is truly only Him that can cover my imperfections.

And the love sometimes discovered in the struggle is good too. Love covers a multitude of offenses. I am always amazed by what people will forgive, and sometimes not even notice, when they love you. You can't demand that - it must be offered, and when it is, it is very humbling, and personally inspiring. God instructs us to be people who are not easily offended, and I think that is born out of His desire for us to love each other like His Son.
"Little children, let us not love in theory or in speech, but in deed and in truth ( in practice and in sincerity). By this we shall come to know that we are of the Truth." 1 John 3: 18
When you recieve it... you want to be someone who gives it.

It's funny - the universal nature of thinking you are the only one who struggles with it - knowing for sure every one around you has it all together, only then to find out they're walking through the same feelings... maybe even worried about what your thoughts of them are.

How can we all know it goes on - and yet be shocked every time we find out it's not just us? - what does that reveal about us? What does it tell us? And maybe my biggest desire is to know ultimately what He wants to do with us in it. I know there is something significant in the journey.... just not sure that I've got a good grasp on what it is all the time.

Mom - am I a believer?

Today started at 6 am with a friend, talking about the salvation of our children.
It ended tonight with Eli asking on his own "Am I a believer?"

It is a profound intense feeling, holding one God has given you and knowing you are entrusted with teaching Him about the Father.

He has been attending an "Upwards" basketball program at the Baptist church near our home. Tonight, he was proud - he shot 10 hoops straight in a row, and was the only kid who won a star for learning his memory verse. I am beyond thankful for how God uses this church and these people to teach my son about Him - esp. tonight.

"For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

They gave him a bible tonight - the "Upwards Basketball version" - so way cool for him, and already he cherishes it. He wanted to read it. As I was tucking Julia in bed, he looked for what he wanted to read. He came across Mark 16 - and following the chapter headings, said :

"Look mom - here it says 'Jesus dies' and on the next page it says 'Jesus rose from the dead'. Let's read that!"

So we did. And talked a ton. At the end , after reading Jesus' commission, Eli asked "Do I believe?" ( Remind me to share our 'baptism' conversation some other day. It reveals his dad's sense of humor.)

I asked him if he thought he believed. He wasn't' sure what that meant. He knew that he didn't pray to Michael at school - but only to God. We talked some more about what it means to believe God. I myself was struck by the difference of believing "in" God and "believing" God.

I know this is rambling to most - but they are some of the most profound, eternal moments I think this life may hold for me. It is when I can clearly see what is worthwhile and what is not in all the things I endeavor to do.

Eli is absolutely priceless to me. That's a mom thing to say - but it is a new scary, amazing place in my heart at a deeper level than I've been at before. I feel like I get a glimpse into the man God wants him to be.

I know our enemy will wage war on him. Reading Revelation this week has given me a sober reminder of his ruthlessness. But my heart marvels at the likeness of our God I find in Eli's spirit at times. And I hope and pray and work towards the preservation of that.

Tonight I am also challenged by the feeling of how scary it is to be surrounded by teens who I love .... and I watch some strive with great perserverance for their faith and integrity, and I watch others carelessly embrace compromise as if there were no consequence or eternal meaning in it. It is overwhelming to my heart.

Tonight, with the contrast of my son's genuine, pure questions and heart, I find myself disgusted with the father of lies and the Deceiver. As I feel almost a sense of helplessness, though I know better, I find myself looking forward to the day when our Father defeats him fully and eternally.

I am eager to see the day when he will take no more captives, and purity will remain unmarred and eternal.

And tonight ... in excitement! ... I begin to pray for another little one that will be a part of our family. We found out our niece will be named Elizabeth Mia... what an honor and a blessing to begin to include her in our prayers to Him.

"Mom - are my questions to hard, cuz I can give you easier ones if you want...."

Sometimes Eli will have a night where his brain just spills nonstop out of his mouth. I love these nights. He will ask the most profound questions, and before I can answer he is on to the next. So I just sit and listen.

"Does God want presents? I mean like, he doesn't want a new book or something, right? I mean He wants us. He wants us to give Him us, right?
I mean, like He wouldn't want a superpower, because, like, what would we give Him, our whole brain? He already has them all. How many years was Jesus? Not like, how many years ago, but how many years did He live?

Me - "33".

"Then what happened?"

Me - "He died on the cross."

"Why did they do that? He was always good? I mean, when they called Him a liar, was it like kids do on the playground when they say "Liar liar"? Was God sad when Jesus died? "

Me - "Yes, He..."

"Why? I mean, why was He sad when He was just going to be with Him in a minute again? You know, it was like Jesus was in highschool."

*( Note - this is confusing, but I think Eli was equating this to when Jennie came and lived with our family and then went off to college.)

"I mean, here, we are with our family and then we get to highschool (college) and Jesus did it backwards - He came and met all new people like at college, and then He went to be with His family after that."

"Mom - do you not like answering my questions? Cause you get real quiet. I can make my questions easier for you - I'm sorry if they are hard, I can make them easier."

Me - "No Eli - I absolutely love your questions, I want you to ask what ever is in your heart. Sometimes I start to give you an answer, but then you ask another question, so I just wait. Like when you asked if God was sad when Jesus died..."

"Oh yeah- what was your answer ?

ME - "Well, yes He was sad. He was sad because ..."

"Oh - oh wait, I know. Because He was good, yeah that was what I was going to say. Sometimes I try to be good but the other kids don't like me. They must like the devil because I am on God's team...

Me - "Well, Eli, sometimes kids your age have a hard time knowing how to say and do the right thing every day, and..."

"Yeah, and sometimes I say I'm sorry, and someone else says that's okay, and then we are friends again, and...."


Me - "Eli I think you need to let your brain rest and go to sleep for now, ok?"

"Yes Mam mom. I love you . Good night"


Visa's got nothing on that. That is eternally priceless.

How do I know if I know God?

Again, I love this email study we are doing. We are nearing the end, and it is just as rich in lessons as the beginning. Today's reading ( 1 John 3 - 2 John, sparked off these thoughts.)

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is ( springs) from God, and he who loves ( his fellowmen) is begotten ( born) of God and is coming ( progressively) to know and understand God (to perceive and recognize and get a better and clearer knowledge of Him.) " 1 John 4:7

This is one of many statements in just 4 chapters between 1 John 3 and the book of 2 John in which God says our life, our relationship to Him, and to others, our temperature of a right walk with Him, is again, love.

Love that listens to Him.
Love that wants to obey Him.
Love that is willing to follow Christ's every example.
Love that wants to avoid every sin.
Love that is poured out on our church family, (Yes - every single one.)
Love that is expressed to God's people as a whole, not just our local family.
He tells us that if we can find brothers that we don't love... we have got major growing to do if we claim to be His, and in fact those who refuse to love another in Christ are not of Him.

We are defined by Love that is not afraid anymore.
( I loved the verse in 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love,
(dread does not exist), but full grown love turns fear out of doors and
expels every trace of terror.")
This is powerful.... because ironically it is fear that is often at the root
of our inability to love someone else. Test it and see if fear exists in the
relationship you have with those difficult to love, ( fear of punishment,
hurt, rejection, abuse, ....etc.) I personally find it is usually fear and
pride.

But God.....
God showed us the ultimate love.... facing head on all rejection, abuse, disdain, disregard, complacency, etc, that we would heap on His Son, and Himself, and loving us through it, went ahead with The Plan, fully confident that at some point many of us would turn around, wake up and respond to His unbelievable generosity .

Do we love each other in like manner? Hmmmm.

Charging ahead, through whatever they may throw our way, to purposefully, genuinely love each one in our path?
If we call ourselves His, He just makes the logical point that we are to look like Him. That we are to do to others just as He did for us.

Wow. As I comprehend my own imperfection in this area, I am inspired all the more by His perfection. Peter tells us as women that in submission, we don't give way to fear, and I think it is correct to make the correlation that this is because with our faith in Him, we fully confident and convinced of the merit to love faithfully & unselfishly, each person, just like He did. .

No doubt as we more fully embrace love as a definition of who we are, the face of His body will change dramatically.

It starts with me.
It starts newly each day.

He is Wonderful!

He's the Perfect Beginning and End all imperfect days

Okay. I'm having another one of those days where I just wish I would grow up.

And I hope that in the very nature of being disgusted by my inadequacy there is an indication, however small, that I kind of am, at least starting to grow up.

It just doesn't happen as fast as I want it too.

Praise our wonderful God for His enduring patience.

I am thankful His mercy is new every morning.

Tonight, I look forward to going to bed and waking up and unwrapping that present like a gift on Christmas morning.

Don't you just love that He gives us so many fresh starts?!?

And if He is for us, who can be against us? Even my own immaturity and slow growth is no match for His enduring grace and matchless patience.

I don't want to take it for granted, but I don't want to disregard it either.

He is wonderful, and I love when those moments of blaring imperfection cause me to look past the mirror back up to Him in thankfulness.

That is never a wasted reflection.

Eli's getting to know God....

Okay. I just have a few minutes, but I wanted to record two neat experiences with Eli. I use this blog as a family journal, so this is as much for him in the future as it is to share what blesses me with you!

Yesterday, Eli had a great day at school. He shared last night, that he prayed to God while on the playground at recess. Now, we pray every night, but to my knowledge, this is the first time he's ever shared with me that he prayed on his own. I'll share a bit of the conversation:

Today I prayed to God at recess. Some of the kids were playing soccer and being kind of violent.

(We use that word to describe video games we won't let him play.)

They were't being violent to me, but just in the game. So I went and sat on a bench. I looked up at the clouds, and that made me think of God. So I prayed to Him about the game, and then I prayed to him about my voice.

(He struggles with being too loud at school, and has a paper with musical notes he gets to fill in for a rewards when he is being quiet. )

I only had a few more notes to get on my paper before I could play backyard soccer on the computer. So I asked God to help me, and He did!!! I had a super day, and I got all my notes and got to play!

Later he shared that he had told his teacher that he had prayed at recess, but she didn't seem interested. He said that didn't bother him but just mentioned it.

This morning when we woke up, we had an email from his teacher, and at the end a small note that she shared with us about him praying over recess.

God is so good... in so many ways. Even to get to share that with Eli before he went back today.

In another conversation, on the way to school today, he said"

Mom! An idea just popped into my head. You know the guy that lived in the car? (that caught on fire.) What if when he comes back, we let him live with us?!!

I said I thought that was a great idea. He was so excited.

I knew Jason had already offered this to Fred, and I don't know if he'll take us up on it. But there is a small part of me that really hopes he does, even if for a little while, for God to bless Eli's heart of faith in a big way.

3 times in the last week alone I have had different sources state that children are one of the best mission focuses of the church, stating that people who are most likely to remain devoted Christians are children raised in Godly homes, and most of whom have had their spiritual moorings in place by age 9. I'm beginning to listen more and more closely to this, and see it's incredible merit.

I see every reason why I am to become like Eli in my faith. I have known many who think, or fear, we shouldn't pray about such things. I hope he never grows up - only more confident in the One Who hears every prayer, and is honored by every ounce of faith.


Thank you for all your comments on the last post. You blessed us immensely. We are so rich in friendship because of you . I love you !