Saturday, December 17, 2005

The (at least it won't be eternal) tape playing in my head....


Sometimes I feel it makes the rounds like a bad virus.

I struggled majorly with it Thursday night. Then again yesterday. And again today.

It's an annoying feeling - the second guessing yourself, then the anger, then just the depression and certain conclusion that if you just stay out of everyone's life, the world around you would be much happier. Now I know better. But I thought at some point that if I knew better I wouldn't even struggle with the feelings anymore.

I wish I knew what was at the root of it. Is it a clever tactic of Satan? It would be a good one. (Besides - most of the time it isn't even an accurate portrayal of reality.) Is it a prevalent , self-destructive, ever present part of our own flesh? I'd believe it - it's always been there.I would even suggest hormones except that I know men aren't immune to it. And yes - the viral theory. I have had multiple conversations revealing that I am not alone in the struggle, even this week.

Yet I am struck by how God uses it for good, as He promises to do with all things if we love Him.

The alone time... the energy spent reevaluating and being introspective is always good and worthwhile. I NEVER come up empty handed when it comes to acknowledging areas in my heart and life and mouth that need improvement. The actions taken to make anything right that I can are never in vain.

The desperation is good. Insecurity keeps me from becoming dependent on those around me for my peace. I will always have something to be rightly judged for. And there will always be those ready to judge even if there wasn't. If I seek my peace in being blameless in my own actions, and always accepted by others, I get into that ugly circle of never being satisfied. Sometimes I just have to rest in Him and His acceptance of me - believing that it is truly only Him that can cover my imperfections.

And the love sometimes discovered in the struggle is good too. Love covers a multitude of offenses. I am always amazed by what people will forgive, and sometimes not even notice, when they love you. You can't demand that - it must be offered, and when it is, it is very humbling, and personally inspiring. God instructs us to be people who are not easily offended, and I think that is born out of His desire for us to love each other like His Son.
"Little children, let us not love in theory or in speech, but in deed and in truth ( in practice and in sincerity). By this we shall come to know that we are of the Truth." 1 John 3: 18
When you recieve it... you want to be someone who gives it.

It's funny - the universal nature of thinking you are the only one who struggles with it - knowing for sure every one around you has it all together, only then to find out they're walking through the same feelings... maybe even worried about what your thoughts of them are.

How can we all know it goes on - and yet be shocked every time we find out it's not just us? - what does that reveal about us? What does it tell us? And maybe my biggest desire is to know ultimately what He wants to do with us in it. I know there is something significant in the journey.... just not sure that I've got a good grasp on what it is all the time.

1 comment:

Theresa said...

My dear friend,

I read this several days ago, and since then I've read it again, and again, and again. And every time I think, that is so me.

And I wasn't sure what to say in response. It occured to me this morning that that was probably my insecurity talking.

The realization that no, we aren't dependent on other people for our peace and joy is no little thing. It's something I struggle with constantly... like you, some days are worse than others. And the horrible part is, I put up a front that says, "I've got it together. I'm confident and independent. You can't shake me." But inside there's this little girl who desperately wants the approval of everyone around her.

But the only approval I need is God's. How I love knowing that. In my darkest moments I can say, "He still loves me, and He always will." So simple, and yet I still struggle.

So, I'm sorry about the long-windedness (is that a word?) of this response, but I really felt like this post needed one... and that I needed to be the person to do it.

I love you. I love how vulnerable you made yourself with this post because it says you trust Him with the parts of you that you hate the most. He is faithful, and you show His faithfulness with every word you say, every word you type, every day you live... even in your struggles, and I love that about you.

Thank you for being a strong sister to me. I look at you and see so many attributes of Christ that I want to emulate as. You are an amazing example.

I love you!