Wednesday, August 20, 2008


My son experienced real betrayal for the first time.
I think the more painful part for me was that it was my choice to let him.- I could have protected him from the truth.
It broke my heart to watch him vacillate between confusion and rage... from self doubt to desiring vengeance. The questions he asked had answers, but not ones that really satisfy. I heard from him this guttural groan of anger from the depths of a place that can't be measured physically. I didn't know that his body held within it that groan, yet.
And, at one point, he told me he wished he didn't even know about it.

I wonder if this is what God experiences when we groan against our painful realities? The truth is, even if I hadn't told him, the betrayal would still have been real. And, the truth is, I knew that there was an even greater reality beyond his pain.
He's experiencing that reality now... working through the options that come with each emotion. And ultimately coming to the conclusion that yes, he can trust God.
I think 9 year olds feel the same as 30 year olds. They ask the same questions... fight the same fights within themselves. But I think they more quickly get to the end of themselves...they rely less on their own strategies and begin to trust God again a little quicker.
One more way I think he meant for us to be like them.