tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-169142232024-03-23T08:10:16.026-04:00" ...so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."God made us to be more than mortal - He made us to be alive. ( 2 Cor. 5:4)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.comBlogger238125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-79681148163014083012013-04-07T15:53:00.002-04:002013-04-07T16:04:19.869-04:00Revisiting old writing & reserving the right to change my mind. So I haven't written here in almost two years. As I wander back, I have found myself wondering if I should start writing again. Looking back through the years is a great reminder of how much a person changes, and grows. On one hand, it's the very reason to not put thoughts in writing! On the other hand, it's the very witness I wish to leave to my children and grandchildren: to experience it all... to be challenged... to be wrong... to apologize...to change your mind... to seek.... question, and to grow. To realize life never stops being a magical, painful, joyful, rich journey with eternal purpose, and to walk through it with an eternal God Who patiently and wisely infuses meaning into each phase...each moment. Maybe in the end, the writing will be a whole lot less about me & my thoughts, and much more a testimony to His graciousness towards us all. I like a story like that ends like that. :-) Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-42602595232655001652011-06-01T21:47:00.001-04:002011-06-01T21:47:40.307-04:00Changing Plans“ The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her. “ ~ Sarai,<br /> Genesis 16:2<br /><br /> Most of us are familiar with God’s promise to Abram of innumerable offspring - and we know how Sarah tried to “help” the process along. In fact, I felt so familiar with this story that when I was reading it recently, I was tempted to skim through it just because I ‘knew’ the story already. But, because I felt that prideful ‘been there, read that’ moment, I purposefully slowed down to read it again. And God faithfully revealed a fresh new detail that I’d never noticed previously.<br /> <br /> God had decided long ago that Sarai wasn’t going to have children. I feel certain she prayed for children. But somewhere in her journey, she settled with the reality that God had closed her womb and that possibility. I kind of found it curious that she hadn’t tried to build a family earlier through her maidservants – but instead it seems she had just resigned to the state of being childless. When Abram shares God’s revelation with her, she doesn’t seem to lament this change of plans – but shifts into “planning” mode following her belief in his encounter. She simply states what she’d seen all along – that if God’s plan was for Abram to have children, it wasn’t going to be through her. How did she know that? Because that’s how it had always been. The Lord had already closed her womb. <br /><br /> “The Lord has kept me from having children.” <br /><br />Here’s what I want us to catch. Sarai’s mistake wasn’t solely a lack of faith in God’s ability to keep His word or make His plan happen. Her ‘faith mistake’ was interpreting God’s future plan for her by her past with Him.<br /><br />Pretty reasonable assumption, don’t you think? <br /> <br /> In fact, I’d go so far as to say for most of us, God is only as big as we’ve experienced Him personally at that moment. I mean, we read the stories and know in ‘theory’ that God can do a whole lot, but often we assume that power is for everyone else… for another time and place, and a story better than ours is at the moment.<br /><br /> Think about your own life. Is there anything that you’re eager for God’s involvement in, but you find yourself limiting the possible outcomes to only the realities you’ve experienced so far with Him? Maybe you’ve returned home from the field to a church that you feel will never change. Maybe you start down a path towards a new mission field, only to have God put on the brakes. Maybe your marriage, which seemed so full of life at the beginning, feels increasingly dead as time goes by. <br /> <br /> The call to let God work in our lives free from the assumptions of His work in the past is a tough one. Joseph is a fascinating example. When Pharaoh’s dream needs interpreting, and Joseph is called up out of his cell, we assume he reveled in the fact that he was finally vindicated. But I wonder if Joseph was really all that excited? I’m sure being out of prison was a relief, but when Pharaoh says he will give Joseph one of the highest positions in all of Egypt, does Joseph struggle with a little flashback? I mean, in Joseph’s life, interpreting dreams and being raised to positions of power were always followed by dark valleys of injustice and loneliness. Was he tempted to just ask for freedom and walk away from the leadership?<br /><br /> The more life God gives us, the more tempted we are to think we’ve seen Him work as much as He’s going to work. It’s easy to be a ‘fan’ of God and still bind ourselves and our faith up to only what we’ve experienced firsthand. I encourage you to anchor yourself to the truth that God doesn’t say that He can only do what we ask or imagine. He doesn’t even say He can do a little more that we can ask or imagine. He says he can do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or imagine. That’s a big invitation to imagine beyond what you’ve experienced so far. Keep seeking!Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-6836335944976113812011-01-01T10:12:00.005-05:002011-01-01T11:14:01.943-05:00A happy New Year...Wow... it's a new year. Already! <br /><br /> When I think about what to write here, I'm a little unsure. Reflecting back, if I were to be totally honest, the last couple of months have been a roller coaster in my head and heart.<br /><br /> First, a few months ago my family and I headed to Walt Disney World... a bucket item list for me that a year ago I wouldn't have dreamed was possible anytime soon. Good friends blessed us with an amazing place to stay, and we had a ball. Jason had never been, and it was fun to be so delightfully exhausted all together. I'm SO grateful we had the chance to go!<br /><br /> The last couple of months have been a real spiritual battle in my own heart and mind. I've not struggled with depression before... but considering I'm not one who cries often, and I've cried more in the last few months than I have in the last few years, I'm thinking that's what might be going on. I've always valued facts over emotions. But I'm learning that when the accuser takes 'facts' and twists them in your mind, that can create a lot of emotion. :-) <br /> <br /> I'm recognizing that the last two years, specifically with homeschooling, have held immense change for me, and walked me into an area where I'm most uncomfortable. So I've retreated. Isolated myself. Been afraid to fail, and sure I wasn't going to succeed. I took every possible sign to prove myself right in those thoughts, and been nervous at any point in which my suspicions might be exposed to anyone else with out me stating it first.<br /><br />It's miserable. Downright miserable. Did I say miserable? <br /><br />Terry had a quote recently that struck me: "As long as self has the stage, fear has an audience."<br /><br />I'll be honest. I keep asking God to take away this struggle. Either show me another way to school my children that will meet the needs homeschooling HAS met, or make me good enough to keep schooling them without stress and worry all the time that affects them. And He clearly has given me signs that He CAN do either one... I couldn't miss it! Nor could I miss the sign that He isn't offering the changes right now. I'm guessing He has a reason for that. :-)<br /><br /> What He is offering... is Himself.<br /> I haven't wanted that, though.<br /><br />I've wanted a new, improved, me. A me that can ________________. A me that doesn't _______________. And if along the way, I could also______, and __________, and not ____________, that would be great too. Oh and could I also have back some opportunities do to things that make me feel good about myself? And that other people would commend me for? If facebook were to summarize my year in prayer, I'm afraid it might have ME all over the picture. Hmmm.... guessing there's a connection between that and the depression, too.<br /><br />Last night, my sweet husband gave me 7 hours to myself while he and the kids when and played. The house was clean, all chores done... no to do list or distractions to keep me from just relaxing. So I spent some time reading and listening to some messages that God had arranged for my heart to be ready to hear. It takes so little of His word and work to bring such renewal...and reminds me why He calls me to prioritize time for this!<br /><br />New Year's resolutions are fresh on everyone's minds. There are lots of plans to do things differently this year, and I'm no exception. But I want to take the "me list" out of the equation.<br />I want be watching for God's plans... and to respond with a trusting heart that focuses on His power to accomplish whatever He calls me to, and a thankful heart that knows He will not remove my weaknesses just because I beg Him too. It may be that "My grace is sufficient for you" is His answer, and my thoughts and prayers need to refocus on the power He has always had to be God over the world and over my life.... and my sin.<br /><br />It's my hope that confessing the self-centered nature of my heart will be the first step out of the pit, and back into the world where God is working all the time and inviting me to participate in His amazing work. It will be a happy new year because the Gospel still exists for all, including me, and THAT is the GOOD NEWS that I'm invited to start each day with.<br /><br />So I think I will. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-18626467208223801692010-09-06T23:14:00.004-04:002010-09-08T01:44:13.399-04:00Just a few things I loved about AIMstock....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4NCmCfkLKxIkldjAQoRmR6RLUvWY21xVcU8nM2avxs0HhXx7Rs0OPowQlIuVhwxvSkhyphenhyphenwm7klGuC9-yGwxByGXd3AoQIH1OHk1eFjjdooRhAAz3_eFAxDNtJu1AVCsd-lIOEE/s1600/102_3280.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4NCmCfkLKxIkldjAQoRmR6RLUvWY21xVcU8nM2avxs0HhXx7Rs0OPowQlIuVhwxvSkhyphenhyphenwm7klGuC9-yGwxByGXd3AoQIH1OHk1eFjjdooRhAAz3_eFAxDNtJu1AVCsd-lIOEE/s320/102_3280.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514228319603863634" border="0" /></a><br /><p class="MsoNoSpacing">So… our first AIMstock just ended.<span style=""> </span>(Why the red underline, MS Word? This will be in your dictionary soon enough…) </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>And to be honest, I hate camping.<span style=""> </span>I hate sweat and bugs and outdoors when they are all at the same time. But for good people… I will do it. And so this was a weekend I would do it for. I had no clue how appreciative I would be by the end of it.<br /></p><b style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">So here are some of the reasons why I loved this weekend, and what I loved about it:</b><br /><b style=""><o:p></o:p></b> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>*When Jason called me to tell me that the place hadn’t been cleaned as expected and they had to bug bomb it on arrival, I knew immediately that this was a group of friends who could handle it and wouldn’t freak out.<span style=""> </span>They’d already been taught to be flexible.<span style=""> </span>And besides… most of us lived in less than Hilton conditions on the field. <span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Arriving late to a campfire and familiar faces I don’t get to see nearly enough. Waves and smiles from people I dearly love… realizing we’re about to pick up where we last left off… no matter how long ago it was. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Sitting under the stars and talking about how big God is… And seeing it at the same time. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Our kids… playing together like no time has passed. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Hannah falling asleep in my arms.</p>*Singing around the campfire. Singing. Singing. Singing.<p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Singing Alabare, and No Hay Dios, and Solamente in Cristo. Then someone asking if we could sing something in Russian or Thai.<span style=""> </span>Nope… can’t.</p>* Smores. Glowsticks.<span style=""> </span>More Stars.<p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Walking up to the cabin in the dark and overhearing the kids have this conversation with each other. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>“Won’t it be so cool when we grow up and we’re <span style=""> </span>all missionaries together?”</p>* And hearing the rest of that conversation: <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>Her: “When I grow up, I’m going to go to AIM, and then do whatever God wants me to do.”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>Him: “Yeah. Or you could be a wrestler.”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Seeing the little girls set up their bunks. <span style=""> </span>Together.<span style=""> </span>And Tonya gets mom of the year for sleeping on the top so the girls could be together. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Walking out the cabin door to see all the tents neatly lined up. Knowing those tents are filled with more people I love. Every single one. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Early morning mist.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* “A cow woke me up.” </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*”There were wild animals. And I think I heard three gunshots.” </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Seriously yummy sausage gravy. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Walking in and seeing friends reading their Bible, getting up early to go pray, alone or together. And no one’s making them.</p>*Remembering why I have such deep love for these people. Even the ones I don’t know well…yet.<p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Discussing how AIM, for many of us, was our spiritual parent…the first real experience of discipleship, by which we judged all other experiences, good and bad.<span style=""> </span>Appreciating more that simple but profound reality, and it’s place in my walk with Christ. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Seeing Kris and Barb walk in. <span style=""> </span>Then learning they’d taken a motorcycle 8+ hours to see us over lunch, and then head back another 8 hours.</p>* Knowing in this crowd… even if a job isn’t delegated…everyone pitches in till whatever is done.<span style=""> </span>Serving is ingrained. It’s fruit of a life lived loving Christ. <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p>* Listening to mountains and valleys...</o:p></p>* Talking. About stuff that matters.<p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Watching friends relax.<span style=""> </span>Watching my friends hang out with my kids.<span style=""> </span>Realizing this really is more like family. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Getting to know people I knew I’d love… and loving them.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Watching a second generation of kids learn to “be flexible”. Little Piper and Michael could take a nap on a concrete floor with the best of them. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Being out on a beautiful lake with my husband and kids in a rowboat.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Hearing, (while in that rowboat…) “Mom, go right! Go right!” Now left. Left. LEFT!!!” Realizing they’re too freaked out and we have to do this more. THEN realizing the last time I said those same words, I was in a dugout canoe in the rain forest with a 12 year old Ecuadorian boy leading us to find caiman… in AIM. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* A huge slip and slide.<span style=""> </span>Smiles all over kids faces. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Seeing Cory dump his kids off in the middle of the lake.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Tigger getting back in the lake just to help Eli and Allison get on the floating dock… jumping back through memories <span style=""> </span>from years ago that I never knew would lead up to moments today that I appreciate so deeply. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Being especially content and more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time. <span style=""> </span>Coming to a mutual realization that in AIM, we learned to have very deep, intimate, friendships…. and that most of us have a hard time ever finding that quality of friendship again. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Steak and Chicken for dinner.<span style=""> </span>Cajun Shrimp boil for lunch. Seriously? Who EVER gets that while camping?!?!<span style=""> </span>De.Lic.ious.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Sunday worship… a meal together. Hearing our children ask questions about our relationship with Christ. Sitting around the tables… a family of almost 40… and yet every bit intimate.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Breaking bread and communion within <span style=""> </span>our families.<span style=""> </span>Explaining… to my kids, as my friends explained to theirs.<span style=""> </span>Knowing they’ll remember. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*“Time for a drawing!”<span style=""> </span>It’s the FORD family.<span style=""> </span>It’s the FORD family.<span style=""> </span>And again… it’s the FORD family!</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Nerts.<span style=""> </span>I still liked the loser table. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* “It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it… It’s the end…” </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Taboo. <span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>Cory… thanks for ruining this game for me forever. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>Chris… playing so well...<span style=""> </span>After it’s over.<span style=""> </span>“Stupid.”<span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span>You were the best part of the game, friend. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span>Donovan and Brandon’s faces… caught in pained silent laughter and tears <span style=""> </span>as Katie tried so hard : “It’s when you’re in a car accident, and you don’t wake up , and your uh, …. and you don’t remember anybody…. “<span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span>“COMA!”<span style=""> </span>“Yeah! <span style=""> </span>“Oh wait…. it’s’comma’.” </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Our poor kids actually putting themselves to bed…whether going to the cabin by themselves, or bringing up sleeping bags to sleep on the floor in the dining hall while we played and laughed and played.</p>* Realizing it felt so late… and it was only 9:30. <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Cheese crack. Twinkies.<span style=""> </span>Guacamole. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">*Morning on the lake. <span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Small groups. <span style=""> </span>Question #8: “Is anything keeping you from sharing the difficult parts of your experience like Paul did?”<span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span>and sitting there, choked up, wiping tears from my eyes,<span style=""> </span>praying that God will help me figure out how to say ‘pride’ and ‘judgment’, and it make sense, and not make a fool of myself…and not being able to do it.<span style=""> </span>Then Alisha says “Pride and judgment. Does that make any sense?” <span style=""> </span>Ummm..yeah. Thanks.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">* Mountain and Valley notebooks. <span style=""> </span>Okay. Who didn’t rip into those like a 3 year old at Christmas?<span style=""> </span>God knew us when He said to encourage one another….</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> I could go on and want to… but I’ll wait for next year. <span style=""> </span>It’s on my calendar. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-53647637940144855052010-07-19T10:35:00.003-04:002010-07-19T10:48:13.363-04:00Closets of the heart...This morning I had camped in my prayers before God about some areas in my heart in which I just continue to remain at arm's length from people... reluctant to accept help or just in general prefer to be independent... and what God might need to heal in me to be more open and relational. I prayed, and 'ended' my portion of prayer, and then decided to pick up in my reading where I had left off yesterday. That's where God picked up and responded to me.<br /><br />"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us- set us right with Him, make us fit for Him, we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: <span style="font-weight: bold;">We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open His door to us. <span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand<span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span> - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise." Romans 5: 1-3ish. (The Message)<br /><br />As I listened, I realized God was showing me a picture in my mind. In certain pockets of my heart, for any myriad of reasons well rationalized out by my enemy, I only slowly inch open a creaky door.. because I fear what I imagine on the other side. And because I picture the wrong response, because I believed the lies... I take this<span style="font-style: italic;"> slow, agonizing journey</span> to open up to this beautiful scene that could have been mine minutes ago. (Or years ago.) <br /><br />I share this because I figure, once again, it's probably not just me. Somewhere, someone else is wondering what would happen if they really just flung that door open fearlessly.<br /><br />Here's to the praiseworthy grace and glory on the other side.... and to choosing to walk right through and live in the freedom of it. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-31310721256575406222010-06-30T10:27:00.005-04:002010-06-30T12:02:44.843-04:00She would be 14 today...She would be 14 today. It's hard to imagine having a teenager. We would have passed that threshold last year, though, and this year would be one of those less-eventful celebrations as birthday parties go.<br /><br />But we haven't celebrated birthdays. In fact, most years, this is just a quiet, lightly mentioned day between Jason and I. We talk about going and feeding ducks, as we'd vowed to do that in remembrance each year. A lake sat outside the hospital while she lay inside, and we convinced ourselves while in one of those moments of forcing yourself to have hope that we would "one day, bring her out here to feed the ducks."<br /><br />That day didn't come. When I think about going and doing it now, it just makes me sad. Maybe because it feels like a broken promise. Ironically, like in the days following her death, going about some ritual that she 'should have' been a part of feels like a betrayal. But those, indeed, are words of sadness, not words of reality.<br /><br />I've got a long way to go in the way of learning to be flexible, but I am at least learning that the "should haves" can be so overbearing in our lives that they can shut out completely the beauty of "what is" if we let them. If we let the "should haves" consume us, they will oblige.<br /><br />So what "is" our reality?<br /><br />God is faithful.<br />Beautifully, amazingly faithful.<br /><br />The NICU nurses, who became like family, gave us a book at Jessica's death called "Big George". It is a precious little novel, about the life of a little boy who never leaves the NICU.<br /><br />It was signed by the author. And filled with messages from the nurses. And the doctors. And the RTs. And Jessica. Her sweet, tiny little footprints mark the bottom right hand corner inside the front cover. How I love the nurses who gave us this gift!<br />And at the end of the story, as the <span style="font-style: italic;">Beep! Beep! Beep! </span>of the alarms around George alert those tending to him of his little life slipping away, he thinks:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;" am="" i="" a="" full="" fledged="" angel="" my=""><br /> My human suffering is gone. The Light is my life, my greater happiness, the salvation of me and all souls, and I am of the Spirit. Michael's hand takes mine.<br /> "Am I a full-fledged angel now, my brother?"<br /> Michael smiles and lights Earth's morning clouds with golden rays, then releases my hand but does not speak. No matter. Entering Heaven... I am fully aware of who I am.'</span><br /><br /> That's our reality. She is now, more fully aware of who she is, than I probably am of myself.<br /><br /> And I embrace wholly the reality that our God is faithful.<br /> He gives.<br />He takes away.<br />Blessed be His name in all of it.<br />He brings beauty, from ashes.<br />Life, from death.<br />Hope where there shouldn't be.<br />Hope where there once wasn't.<br />This is a reality that far, far surpasses any "should have" I would have wished for myself.<br /><br />Thank you, Holy One, for your faithfulness.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-75626096522577504302010-06-14T22:12:00.003-04:002010-06-14T23:26:03.789-04:00Forgive and Remember?So I'm reading an book by Catherine Claire Larson called "as we forgive". It's a compilation of life stories of those caught in the Rwandan genocide that killed over 800,000 in April of 1994. It's a shame that it was on the $3 shelf at Mardels, but if it weren't, I likely wouldn't have picked it up. And I've been turning pages at every free moment today.<br /><br />In 2003, Rwandan president Paul Kagame chose to release some of the Hutu prisoners who had been jailed since the genocide. Intensely overcrowded prisons, and a fledgling remnant of society that could not have processed every prisoner's case in 200 years necessitated a move that would be unthinkable to many of us: release of some 60,000 prisoners... back into the villages where their victims were still trying to rebuild their lives. Even though they were labeled "lower level" offenders by comparison, many were still killers, and the atrocities were unbelievable.<br /><br /> So as I read some of their stories...victims and criminals alike, learning to live side by side, I'm fascinated. I won't share the stories.... but I will say you should hurry to Mardel's get your own copy. Although I will warn that it is not for those with a weak stomach. The sin and horror is told as it happened. For truly, you can't understand the depth of forgiveness if you can't grasp the gravity of the trespass...<br /><br /> These side by side daily life encounters of neighbor who killed neighbor brought me to an interesting thought. Many of us struggle with the phrase "forgive and forget". Some of us know that "forgetting" wasn't actually a biblical partner to the mandate of forgiving...yet we desperately wrestle within ourselves as if forgiveness isn't truly achieved if forgetting it all still alludes us. All of us ask the question, "But how could I forget?" <br /><br />I sat tonight and thought about someone who was my biggest challenge to forgive. I remember struggling to forget for years and thinking I must not have forgiven. Now I know I can't forget. In fact, I can remember better every moment of that particular betrayal than most other memories...everything in the room, every word said, the temperature, the lighting, sights, sounds, all of it. And yet, I <span style="font-style: italic;">have</span> forgiven, <span style="font-style: italic;">fully, wholeheartedly forgiven</span>. I realize now that my desperate desire to forget was really a desperate desire to escape the pain of memories...sort of a wishing for the restoration of naivety...a mental escape from the reality of the potential evil in every human being, even those we think are trustworthy. (Or the fear of that same potential in ourselves.)<br /><br />But, had I been granted that wish of forgetting... I would have lost the greater power connected to forgiving. What if forgiving really was connected to forgetting? Would we learn? Would we be changed? What <span style="font-style: italic;">WOULD</span> we remember?<br /><br />Thankfully, my God needs no such lessons..His love is and always was greater than my own... as far as the east is from the west, my sins are removed from me. There is no need for Him to learn something greater...but for <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span>, oh the <span style="font-weight: bold;">grace </span>that exists in remembering! The overcoming confidence that with every memory or pain, there now exists something greater that can occlude & overshadow even that evil which was unimaginable to me, and that its potential, because of Christ, can actually live in me.<br /><br />I've not taken any steps to live beside the one I've forgiven. I haven't had to like many of the Rwandan people. As I read some of their stories, I realize that those who have gone to that unimaginable reality with hearts seeking and offering forgiveness also have a character I can't imagine having. And if we didn't have their stories...if they forgot, or we forgot...<br /><br />If that one Ultimate offering of forgiveness that covered us all were allowed to be forgotten because of all the pain it carried... would we really be able to fully rejoice in our restoration?<br /><br />So if remembering can tie us not to our pain but instead to our redemption... and if our pain can become not our identity, but our marker for the point at which we were introduced to something even greater... maybe forgetting is a worthwhile goal to discard....Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-51614512595115794822010-05-09T20:40:00.003-04:002010-05-09T20:46:07.928-04:00No.. not exactly. But thanks for ruining the moment.My kids are awesome. <br /> As we walked together tonight, we pointed out a duck gathering her 12 chicks under her for the night. It was really an amazing sight to see all these little ones eagerly following her and listening to her. God's design for nature is simply amazing... so much to learn from.<br /> Jason pointed this out to the kids, and referenced the passage when Jesus said he longed to gather Jerusalem under his wings like a hen gathers her chicks. I just commented that its so neat to have a picture right in front of us about how God feels about us.<br /> <br /> Eli said, "Jesus wants to put his behind on top of us?" <br /><br />I love my kids. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-40220286885523184792010-04-27T09:40:00.003-04:002010-04-27T09:47:01.603-04:00What's the Password?As children often love to do, Julia put a scarf up across the doorway to the room we do school in this morning, and declared that I couldn't pass. <br /><br />"What's the password?" she said, standing her ground. <br /><br />"I love you?" I guessed.<br /><br />"No."<br /><br />"You love me?" I tried again. <br /><br />"No. It starts with 'sch'....", she offered. <br /><br />"School is awesome? School is great?" <br /><br />"No." <br /><br />"School is going to go really long if you don't let me through?" I tried. <br /><br />"No" <br /><br />"Okay. I give up. What is it?" I say. "<br /><br />"SCHOOL!" Julia says, as if it were just so obvious. <br /><br />I never would have thought of that. <br /><br />THEN she tells me, <br />"You know, you could have just done the limbo." :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-73782744168284198032010-01-20T13:58:00.001-05:002010-01-20T14:02:36.495-05:00Rules of Engagement....:-)So often my son, when being corrected, will say “You’re right, you’re right.” He genuinely means this as a signal of submission, but in the middle of a frustrating moment, it can be tempting to assume he’s being arrogant. More than once, “I know I’m right!” has slipped out of my mouth. <br /> <br /> So he said it again today, and I gently tried to explain to him the confusing reactions he gets from people when he says this. <br /><br />“Eli, I know you mean well, but when you say this, it sounds as if there were some doubt originally that the person was right. Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and be done with the discussion, okay?” <br /><br />He looks at a magnet with a little saying that is posted on my refrigerator. <br /><br />“But Mom,” he says, quoting the magnet that my sweet husband bought me recently, “I thought ‘All women like to hear the three little words ‘you were right?’" <br /><br />I laugh, looking at the magnet and realizing how confusing the world is to him at time. <br /><br />As if on cue, he says “This is the problem all of us men have. You give a woman what she wants, and then she asks for something different.”Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-43180794967842807242010-01-15T00:02:00.003-05:002010-01-15T00:59:32.527-05:00I hate Homeschooling! & Why is homeschooling so hard?!!So, occasionally, when I'm having a really emotional moment, I will just "google" the phrase of frustration running through my head. It's really funny what you can find sometimes!<br /><br />Twice recently, I've googled the phrases "I hate Homeschooling" and "Why is homeschooling so hard?!" just to see if anyone in a desperate moment has felt the same way. I was really shocked to not find much out there. Oh... there are people who hate homeschoolers - they have plenty to say. But as for finding committed homeschoolers just ranting while having a bad day... they seem to be few and far between. That's a good thing, I guess. Nevertheless, I titled my blog today those two phrases so that if I ever google them again...at least I'll find myself. :-)<br /><br />I did find one blogger who said: "Homeschooling isn't hard. Parenting is." <br /><br />And when I thought about it, I realized they were right. And I guess I'd add that my own self transformation is the hard part too. Homeschooling is a personal workout for me. I'm having to let go of perfectionism, and yet remain disciplined. I'm having to learn how to have fun. (It doesn't come naturally.) I'd rather be boring and nerdish. I'm having to listen, not just talk. I'm having to be patient. I have to let my kids make messes. I want to be one of those free-spirited moms. But that freaks me out a little bit, too. <br /><br />Today was a winner of a day. (Not.)<br /><br />After telling my kids one more time that I needed them to pay attention while I tried to do their science experiment of building a telescope for them, I finally gave up and told them to read it and finish it on their own. (Now some of you experienced moms are thinking I should have made that move from the start!) <br />After 15 minutes of genuinely trying, I hear a lens fall to the ground and crack.<br />"Mom, it broke. What do we do now?"<br />Frustrated, I tell them to go ahead and write their report on their experiment. They are supposed to tell what they learned. I admit, I'd expected this, and feel justified in having them write about it.<br />My goal of having everyone feel as miserable as me is working.<br />10 minutes later, Julia brings her report over to me:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What I did: </span> I broke it.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What I learned:</span> A picture of a sad face & tears & the words "I can't do it without Mom. I love you Mom!"<br /><br />Amazingly, everything is capitalized and punctuated appropriately. For the first time today.<br /><br />It's the saddest thing I've seen in a long time. This is not a pretty moment for me. I'd like to take this page out, but I think it will need to stay. A little humble pie I'm sure I'll need to snack on again.<br /><br />But I guess, in the end, we all learned more. We learned we do need each other. And I learned they can do a lot more without me that I realize. I realized I don't want to be in control..and I don't want things to always be neat, if the result is kids who are scared to learn apart from me.. kids who are afraid to make mistakes... <br /><br /> I learned that my kids actually want me to keep doing this. (I tried to tell them that I don't know that I'm cut out to teach them, at which point they both broke into tears. Another winner moment.) <br /><br /> Most of all, I'm again learning to trust God. This whole path is so unfamiliar to me. I don't seem like a good fit for this thing. And yet, here I am, convicted more than ever that it's right. Convicted that it's harder than I ever imagined it would be. Convicted that there will be more days I want to quit.<br /><br />And convicted that it is all worth it.<br /><br />My seven year old encouraged me with these words:<br />"Mom, remember Mrs. Mudroch? She had days like this when she began... but now she's one of the best teachers. Probably every teacher has these days. But you'll get better and better. "<br /><br />Yeah.<br />Who needs telescopes, anyway.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-18815351076080783842010-01-05T00:55:00.003-05:002010-01-05T01:39:06.414-05:00Did I ever mention I'm not very flexible?So a crazy year of job changing, house hunting, traveling, house buying, moving, and Christmas. Oh, and our first semester of our first year of homeschooling, too. (I was the only mom who thought it was exciting for my kids to start kindergarten! How did this happen!?) ;-)<br /><br /> This is a year that will be marked in the history books for me personally. If this were a roller coaster, I'd have thrown up a few times already.<br />The highs and lows have been pretty significant.... but then, it's usually in those moments that we grow the most.<br /><br /> I think this is the year that God has allowed me to run to the end of my chain. <br /><br />Not pretty.<br /><br />Every time I think I've gotten to the end of myself... along comes one more piece of me who thinks she can control everything better than all the previous attempts. It's funny what pesky little friends come along with her, though.<br />Anxiety. Perfectionism. Insecurity.<br />Little miss control freak, as I call her, doesn't do quite the job she claims she will of keeping everything in my life calm.<br /><br />So, it's been one of the hardest years for me in a long time. And yet, like previous years that have been equally hard, it's been one of the best:<br /><br />God has confirmed that He is indeed, in charge.<br />My best attempts to control have again only resulted in proving how desperately I need Him.<br />He's showed me that I can change, and it's not as terrifying as it seems.<br />He continues to reveal that I still need to change. And that yes, to change will still seem scarier than it really is .<br /><br />And He's rewarded some of the scariest leaps of faith I've taken. New relationships from my job, new levels of trust in Him as I leave it. New burdens for purity and obedience in my life. New desire for freedom in Him from my old habits and flesh. Maybe one of the most treasured to me today is a new relationship with my children. <br /><br />I'm certain I'm not the only one who's made scary decisions this year, and has some more sitting out there to make. If you do, I'm prayerful tonight that you'll not look for <span style="font-style: italic;">how</span> God will help you do the hard, right thing, but that you will just know that He will, and move on what He has called you to.<br />He's growing us all up, one step of faith at a time, each morning with new mercy for that day.<br />Little miss control freak just doesn't get that kind of peace. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-88716673858912061012009-12-13T22:59:00.000-05:002009-12-13T23:00:06.996-05:00Christmas lists...<h3 class="GenericStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=680550148&ref=nf" class="GenericStory_Name" onclick="'ft("></a>Julia's Christmas list this year:<br /></h3><h3 class="GenericStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}">"An American Girl doll, a refrigerator and microwave for my bedroom, a spy kit, my own computer, and $5000."<br /></h3><h3 class="GenericStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}">Seriously.<br /></h3><h3 class="GenericStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}">Anybody know where I can get a spy kit?</h3><h3 class="GenericStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}">... and do you think I should leave her alone in her own room?</h3>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-56144150236511975352009-08-14T22:54:00.004-04:002009-08-14T23:26:50.188-04:00So easy a caveman could do it.....Well, today we completed our first official week of homeschooling!<br /><br /> * Whew. *<br /><br /> Monday, I was nervous and eager to begin. So we began our day at 7:30 am.<br />When we ended at 4 p.m., I told Jason I was re-enrolling them in school. <br /><br />But, thankfully, the rest of the week has gone better - and ended a little earlier. :-) They are learning - and report that they're having fun. But I'd guess the biggest learning curve is mine. I'm one of those people who said they could never do this... and I meant it. Funny though how sometimes you can find motivation that's bigger than your fears.<br /><br /> My patience and flexibility..... well, even using a possessive pronoun like "my" for those words seems like hypocrisy. But... they're stretching and growing. I might grow into some yet. My seriousness is learning to loosen up a bit. My gentleness is getting a much needed workout. My listening ability is perking up. I'm learning to let my kid bounce a ball, swing, and spell all at the same time. (Even though it drives me crazy. ) Just proves he's already smarter than me. <br /> Ultimately, these are all the things I wanted God to grow me in, but didn't want to take the time to let Him. And the time with my kids is so worth it. I'm still learning how to educate them well. But they're certainly losing no time on me.<br /><br /> My favorites this week?<br /><br />Julia - praying one night after we'd studied about creation, death and sin:<br /><br /> "And God, about Adam and Eve. I sure hope they learned their lesson."<br /><br />Eli - (This one needs explaining - but it's worth it.) We'd been studying about Jubal and Tubal-Cain in Genesis 4. Short references about them show they were master teachers of iron and bronze making, and flute and harp playing. Iron making alone is a very dangerous and complicated skill... and these references are significant to show that historically, early man was intelligent - something that stands in contrast to evolution, which would assume lesser intelligence of early man, and often where we get the picture of cavemen from. <br /> As we wrapped up ... Eli was to summarize what he'd learned from the week's lessons. When he got to this one he stated: "Jubal and Tubal-Cain teach us .... that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Geico</span> must have it all wrong." <br /><br />And so ended our week. ;-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-17405841017172221782009-06-22T23:31:00.002-04:002009-06-22T23:43:03.052-04:00Julia FunniesSo Julia cracked me up again today.<br /><br />First, this morning, we discussed lifeguards, as she is taking swimming lessons.<br /><br />J- "Mom - why don't the lifeguards (at swim school) carry those little boards?"<br /><br />Me - "Well, all of them are right there with you - they don't need them like when we're at the ocean."<br /><br />J- "Yeah. Drowning at the sea would be really harsh for kids. First, because you'd get salt in your eyes, and second, because you'd drown. "<br /><br /><br />Then, this evening, Julia went to the bathroom in McDonalds and came out with an incredulous look on her face.<br /> "That was a creepy bathroom. It was creeky and made all kinds of noises. And do you know what I saw in the toilets when I went in there?!?"<br /> (Of course ...I'm caught with the reality that I really don't want to know, but she is so eagerly anticipating my reaction, I have to say "What?")<br />"One toilet was full of toilet paper - and I mean FULL!! Another was all yucky and there was a sign that says 'We're proud of our restrooms!' .......I don't think they could really be proud of that, do you?"Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-19036271140958952712009-05-29T22:04:00.002-04:002009-05-29T22:11:57.628-04:00What's his name?!?Sitting with my niece tonight, we began putting together some Thomas the train puzzle pieces. She's so adorable and bright. So we're talking about everybody and who they are:<br />Me: " Now, who is this, Elizabeth?"<br />Elizabeth: "Edward the Train"<br />Me: "And who is this blue one?"<br />Elizabeth: "Thomas the Train!"<br />Me: " Good! And what about this guy (pointing to the man)- does he have a name?"<br />Elizabeth: (thinking for a moment) "I don't know?"<br />Me: "Should we give him a name?"<br />Elizabeth: " Yeah! Potty Train!"Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-3209242560452062302009-03-05T09:49:00.003-05:002009-03-05T10:47:22.534-05:00I'm a groupie...I’m not a groupie. Well, there was that New Kids on the Block phase when I was in 8<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> grade. But otherwise, I’m not a groupie.<br /><br />I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> been around a lot of name droppers, and I’m just not impressed, really. I don’t think it’s as much of a noble quality in me as it is a social unawareness. The same characteristic in me shows up often and can create really awkward moments.<br /><br />When we were preparing to move here, I knew Terry Rush’s name. I knew some were really impressed that we’d get to work with him. But I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">didn</span>’t grow up with his name being familiar or grow up going to the workshop that so many know him from, and I’d never read a single book he’d written. I’d heard a sermon once that did impact me, and I’d gotten a card from him with a neat message that I’d held on to. And when we were first married, I’d remembered that he’d arranged for us to be able to come to the workshop when we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">couldn</span>’t have otherwise afforded it. When I met him at that workshop, he called me friend, so I assumed he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">didn</span>’t really know my name….:-)(I was wrong…see that social awkwardness showed up again…) But still, I thought he was nice.<br /><br />This morning, 6 years after moving here, I had a funny experience. I have a new desk – and I love it. Neat, organized – no clutter except what I’m working on. I want to keep it that way. I’m a little <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">OCD</span> like that.<br /><br />Except there is this card sitting there, that I opened in the mail yesterday. From Terry. His laughing face after a strike out at the Cardinals camp in Florida this summer. And I want to put it up on the desk. Maybe even frame it, I don’t know. Then I have that fleeting secondary thought…. that I will look like a “groupie” with his card taped to my neat desk.<br /><br />But it really was fleeting…because immediately I am flooded with the recognition of something significant.<br />I have worked with this man for 5 years… and despite the many opportunities to see ‘true colors’, my affection and respect for him has not lessened in that time & those experiences, but grown intensely. (And I’m hard on people at times!) His weaknesses are endearing because they only magnify more the strength of our Father’s spirit in him. He <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">doesn</span>’t hide himself, and he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">doesn</span>’t hide God in Him. His strengths are impacting because they carry the force of heaven behind them.<br /><br />The smile on this card makes it my favorite one yet… because I live and work and watch the man and know it’s real…I’m changed and different because of his character, integrity and love for our God.<br /><br />I’m so a groupie about that.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-501873554200339442009-02-23T14:09:00.003-05:002009-02-23T14:16:59.092-05:00Wedding Ring Logic....So last night, after tucking him in bed, Eli and I talked for a while about all kinds of things, but the subject of marriage came up. As he played with my wedding ring, he asked me all kinds of questions... He asked about the cost of rings, -did you have to buy the diamond, or could you just get the band?- and which was more expensive. We talked about what a wife would want. At the end of the discussion, he said : "I've decided I'm going to be a miner when I grow up." <br /><br /><br />I told Jason we need to be praying for his precious wife. I think she'll have to be a Dave Ramsey kinda girl. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-72533916952196028432009-02-17T23:01:00.003-05:002009-02-17T23:43:18.106-05:00Kidnapping logicSo our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">fam</span> thoroughly enjoyed the long four day weekend -Monday was the first full day I've had with the kids in a LONG time - and it was a joy. We headed to Chick-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Fil</span>-A and while sitting in the drive through, Eli, taking an especially friendly turn, rolled down his window and waved hello to a woman crossing the parking lot with her 4 kiddos and a baby stroller tow.<br />In an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">unusual</span> reversal of roles for the two of them, Julia was mortified.<br />"Eli! Stop it! You don't even know them!" she scolded.<br /><br />"What?!? I'm just being nice?"<br /><br />"Yes, but they are strangers. How do you know that they're not kidnappers?" Julia warned.<br /><br />"Well, usually people with that many kids aren't really looking to take any more, " he replied.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-58448570604009723652009-01-21T09:34:00.007-05:002009-01-21T13:29:31.818-05:00Turning around....Today is a sad day for me. I think it's a good day, though.<br /><br />Today as we were walking in to school, my son walked a few steps ahead of me. When we hit the door, he headed up the steps, and didn't look back. Even when I said goodbye.<br />There had been no fight. He wasn't mad. I just realized he was cold. And tired. Of me.<br /><br />Julia skipped on to class with me, oblivious, and I was thankful.<br />But the contrast was painful. And I cannot be oblivious.<br /><br />I think 9 is too early for this. But so is 16. So is 21, and 37 and 54.<br />Culturally, we tell ourselves this is normal... part of growing up and growing independent. I even let some of those phrases try to reassure me. But I realize that's a lie. <em>Growing up and growing cold aren't the same.</em><br /><br /><br />Twice in the last week, he's told me that he's really bothered when I point out all the bad things he's done, and don't point out the good things.<br />In the few hours I have with him each day, correction is a constant.<br />If things are going well... I'm just thankful .<br />I don't balance needed discipline with intentional encouragement.<br />I'm 'too tired' to be creative or fun... or do much of anything besides just 'get by'.<br /><br />And I tell myself and my family that I'm doing 'all of this' so I can quit and homeschool our kids next year. At one point I was questioning how much damage from my attitude and this schedule could really be done in just 6 months. And then I realized how appalling it was that I was even asking that question.<br /><br />Today is the day that I realize everybody else is right.<br />I've been talking to people about boundaries, and having few, in the name of ministry and in the name of accomplishing goals for my 'family'.<br />I talk about prioritizing, and haven't - in the name of ministry and family.<br />All the choices I have in front of me are good.... to not choose one of them... will not "feel" good.<br />From a heart standpoint... none of the tasks needed or the people behind them are worthy of disappointment. And burnout seems crazy to consider! I'm surrounded by wonderful people!<br />But that's the point. It's not everyone else's fault.<br />It's mine.<br />My passion for ministry changed to a passion of pleasing people. Or avoiding displeasing people. And I don't even have a good attitude about it anymore.<br />My ministry ... isn't about Jesus.<br />He had boundaries. He said no to people he loved. He worked hard, long hours. He rested and related to people. And his priority was always His Father.<br /><br />My family has become a checklist of goals I'm working towards... but not living among.<br />Saying yes to everyone really isn't ministry at all. And putting my family last really isn't being a mom at all.<br /><br />How many people have learned this lesson?<br /><br />Friends have warned me I'm doing too much. But I thought they were wrong. I thought I was pretty strong. I knew it was just for a time.<br />But I didn't think about the strength of my kids.<br />Sure... I can hold up this crazy schedule.<br />But I expected them to go along.<br />And they do, compliantly, without choice. But not without affect.<br /><br />How foolish of me. I hate being wrong - but I hate even more being foolish and prideful.<br />That image of Eli walking up the stairs and not looking back is now burnt into my heart.<br /><br />Thank you God, for letting it sting. For letting me sob over this. THANK YOU!<br />Please forgive me for putting You and those You gave me last.<br />Please give me strength to say no, kindly, to others. Please heal if that 'no' hurts them.<br />Please give me wisdom to say yes only to what you call me to.<br />Help me not expend energy in things you didn't plan for me to do. I've done way too much of that.<br />Help me watch more for what You desire for me to do. Help me turn my drivenness over to you. I believe it is from you, but not always reigned by you.<br /><br />And please help me now to heal the messages I've sent to my son and to others.<br />You know how to communicate love. Help me watch You. Closely. Remind me that it's the most important endeavor- to learn from and to emulate You.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That</span>, Father, .....<span style="font-style: italic;">Your love</span>... helps us grow up, but not cold.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-43428685371029119972008-12-21T23:52:00.000-05:002008-12-22T00:00:57.826-05:00Fashion feelings...Friday was a "Free Dress Day" for the kids. Since it's normally uniform dress, this is a big deal. So I stood trying to pick out a cute outfit for Julia.<br /><br />A cute green striped shirt with winter mittens on the front. Perfect!<br /><br />Apparently, not so much.<br /><br />Julia, diplomatic but obviously disappointed says, "But mom, green doesn't really <em>inspire </em>me...."Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-31575991677542064792008-12-01T22:04:00.001-05:002008-12-01T22:33:23.047-05:00Mexico Missionary Retreat 2008Bags are unpacked... laundry is started... and Eli's crying for the 4th time today because he already misses Mexico. :-) What an amazing trip! <br />We headed down to Guadalajara to spend a few days with Jason's brother Aaron, before traveling to the unique city of Guanajuato, Mexico for the annual missionary retreat. Jennie traveled to GDL a couple of days early so we could spend some extra time with her too, and it was just an incredible time and an amazing trip. There's so much to share and I don't even have pictures uploaded yet to share! So I'll have to do it little by little. <br /><br />Friends, new and old. Wow. It's moments like these that we are so humbled by the quality of people we are blessed to be have a relationship with. Jason went to speak and encourage, and because of God's faithfulness I think he did, but we were the ones who surely felt most blessed and most encouraged. <br /><br />Cindy - I did visit the Mummy museum - and left the fam behind. :-) Aaron, Jennie, Toby and Brettin went with me, but can you believe it- the only souvenir I got was the receipt for the handful of toilet paper I bought when I had to use the bathroom. It was pretty amazing though. I'll be sure not to tell you about it. ;-)<br /><br />The kids did well. We were taking Acidophilus tablets in hopes of not getting sick while we were there - and one night Eli asked me why: <br /><br />"Because they will help us stay healthy since the Mexican food could make us sick," I said. <br />"What does the box say?" asked Eli<br />"Sinuberase." I said. "Bacilos Lacticos, restaurado de la flora intestinal." <br />"What's that mean in English?" he asked.<br />"It means it helps the restore the good bacteria in our stomachs." I said.<br /><br />"MOM...." Eli asked, "Why, if the Mexican FOOD can make us sick, are we taking the Mexican MEDICINE?!?"<br /><br />I <em></em>did<em></em> have to think about that for a minute....Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-59836874275384706102008-11-17T23:07:00.000-05:002008-11-17T23:27:52.357-05:00More reasons I love my 9 year old.Eli's a teacher at heart. Sunday, he was working up a 'series' that he was going to teach. We have a little dry erase board at home, and so this particular class he was working was called the "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Wipeoff</span> Board" Class. :-)<br /><br />When they came home from church, Eli had Jason sit down so he could hold his first class. It was on the topic of worshipping the 'real' God versus false gods. Somewhere in the conversation, he made this statement that Jason shared with me later.<br /><br /> "Now, a false god might say 'One sin? Not that big a deal.' But then, if you sinned a lot - they would say "That's it! You're <u>OUT!"</u> <br /> <br /> OUR God? Our God says <strong><em><u>one </u></em></strong>sin is important - but He forgives <strong><em>all</em></strong> of them! "<br /><br /><br />There is so much truth wrapped up in that one little <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">statement</span>....Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-28583236253764513492008-10-21T16:38:00.003-04:002008-10-21T16:46:57.463-04:00DNA & homeworkJulia came home with a stack of uncompleted work today. As she sat in front of me working on it, she wasn't moving fast for all the stories she had to tell me as she progressed.<br /><br />At one point I stopped her and pointed to the stack of work.<br /><br />"I'm guessing that the reason you have so much undone work is that you are talking a lot at school. Are you talking a lot to your friends?"<br /><br />"Only a little," she said.<br /><br />"Well, I'm guessing we need to cut back to even a little less than that." I said.<br /><br />"I got all my work done on the first day of school." She protested .<br /><br />"Yes, but we we need to get all the work done every day," I said.<br /><br />"Yeah, I didn't know anybody that day," She said.<br /><br /><br />Now, WHO's child is that?!?Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16914223.post-69371928951780064842008-09-25T16:59:00.008-04:002008-10-08T22:00:21.592-04:00Changing direction...Some of you remember this post from last year.….. <a href="http://swallowedup.blogspot.com/2007_05_01_archive.html">Prostitution</a><br /><br />Well…. here’s another chapter.<br /><br />She walked in today.<br /><br />I’ve actually seen her since that last post. She’d come in once before & seemed surprised that I’d remembered her name. I found that funny, in my own head.<br />“If you only knew…”, I thought.<br />But then again, how could she? She’s used to having the shallow conversations most of us have when we just want to get out of an awkward situation. And that day, I was no different. I struggled to bridge the gap between casual conversation and cutting to the heart of real life and real relationship.<br /><br />But today, when she came in, it was different, and so was she.<br />Clear eyes. She’s gained weight - not drug-induced thin.<br />She had work clothes on.<br />She smiled.<br />She was calm. She still talked fast, but it wasn’t the nervous fast that people speak when their just rolling their story off to you and trying not to get caught in a lie. It wasn’t the fast speak that says “I’ve told this story so many times I’m bored with it myself and I’m not even sure you’re going to listen but I’ve got nothing better to do than try so here goes…” kind of fast.<br /><br />She was working nearby, and wanted to take some ice over to the site, if we would let her. So as we walked down to fill a couple of bags, we talked.<br /><br />Sober for 31 days.<br />“I know you’ve seen me,” she said. “I’m off the street now.”<br />Got a job.<br />In a house.<br />Involved with a church not far from here.<br />Excited.<br />Alive.<br /><br />She explains the cycle – having tried to get off drugs… but then needing money.. and hustling to make some… recommitting to get off… around and around. She uses language that’s different from our church jargon, but in it she’s candid and more honest than she’s ever been with me.<br /><br />I tell her I’m proud of her. I tell her about the night that Jason saw her, and that I went looking for her. She cries. And lets me hug her.<br /><br />Her boyfriend comes in, and I see the same difference in him. And she relays what I’d just told her. He too is honest – even with admitting anger over a situation that had happened here and the violent revenge he’d envisioned. And yet, in the same breath, he relays what God did with that… and how “God is so funny about that stuff.” He tells with a genuine sense of pride about providing a few boxes of pizza for lunch to a business he’d stolen from for 2 years.<br />They both share their thankfulness for what we’ve done through the years.<br /><br />I believe them.<br /><br />I meet people every week that are begging for something and have “found Jesus”. (Hear the dramatic southern drawl that inherently is supposed to validate their salvation and ensure my response to their request that day...)<br />So there’s a part of me that doesn’t like being taken. Honestly, I hate being lied to. And I hear so many stories that in moments like this, my first response is always guarded, if not downright cynical.<br /><br />But I realized today, that in her face, I saw the potential of recovery.<br /><br />Complicated? Yes.<br />Long haul? Yes.<br />Set backs? Most likely.<br />More failures? Most certainly.<br /><br />But, that’s what messy lives being transformed are like. It's what mine is like, anyway.<br />Two steps forward, three steps back. It’s still progress.<br /><br />Most of us tire of walking that long road beside someone.<br />At times I feel other’s failure must somehow reflect my own. I’ve got to keep letting Christ refine that fear, as Satan is more than ready to hold my hand and walk me into complete in-effectiveness.<br /><br />Thank God that He works all the time. Never tiring. Never cynical. Willing to use anybody… anywhere. Willing to take us at whatever sober moment we will give Him. Willing to walk the long road, and desiring to work in all of us that will let Him along the way.<br /><br /><br />As she walked out, we chatted some more. She told me I had permission to kick her butt if I saw her on the street again and I told her I’d take her up on it. (That's a funny picture - but I'm willing to try....)<br />I hugged her again. I told her that what was most beautiful to me about her today was her eyes. She looked down and then back at me.<br /><br />“Thank you. I’m not perfect yet. But I know who is, and I’m trying to look more like Him.”<br /><br />Today, she did.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00938751247189632308noreply@blogger.com4