My son is hitting the age where he is becoming more and more aware of the differences between boys and girls.
Honestly, this is hard, because with his development he can be so intellectual, and yet often behind even Julia in his awareness of such things - and I enjoy that innocence. For example, it was only about 4 weeks ago that he became aware that Julia had no boy parts. He was trying to be a helper as we were teaching both kids to shower by themselves, and he stood outside the shower calling to her each part of the body she should wash next. When he got to that, he seemed shocked when I explained that she didn't have the same parts he has. "Well then what DOES she have?" he asked in disbelief. "How does she go to the potty?" ( All this in spite of the fact that neither of them have ever been very private around each other. )
I gave some answer. I think it was adequate, but all the times I told myself to figure out what to say before the moment came were now useless, as the moment was here before I was ready.
Tonight was another moment like that.
He seemed fascinated with that other part of women that he now notices is different. So here's how the conversation went tonight:
Eli- "Mom, what do you call those?"
Me - (Thinking..... Dying. Did he really just ask me that? I'm in the middle of reading a book to him. That is SO like a boy! Why doesn't he ask Jason this stuff? Wait. I am the mom. It's okay. This is a normal question. Set the stage Heather, set the stage ... today is the day that determines how openly he will communicate with you for the rest of your life. When he is a teenager, this is the moment he will look back on and know whether it is safe or not to talk to his mom about anything. Long pause. Think, Think Think. Do I entrust accurate words with maturity to a boy who struggles sometimes with social interaction? Or is that too much for him right now? Think. Think. Think. Other words I could give him?? Oh wait, that's worse. No way. Ok. Got it.)
Me- "Eli, what do you think they are called?"
Eli - "Mom, I know what it is, but I don't want to say it, because it's a bad word."
Me - (Thinking... What bad word could he have learned? WHO IS TEACHING HIM BAD WORDS? I AM SETTING UP A CAMP ON THE PLAYGROUND AND SO HELP ME ANYONE OUT THERE WHO IS GOING TO BE TEACHING MY SON BAD WORDS IS GONNA... Oh wait. ...still in the moment Heather...Eli's still here. You're still setting the stage for all future communication - get in the game girl...."
Me - "It's okay Eli, just tell me what you've heard."
Eli - "Mom, I really don't want to ... it's bad and you know it. And I don't want to say it."
Me - "Eli, I promise you I won't be mad at you. Just tell me the truth and I promise you that you can always know I will do the same. "
Eli - "You know. It starts with an 'F'".
Me - (Not hiding the shocked and confused look on my face.) ( Have they come up with new 'bad'words that I am not aware of? Am I behind the times already in first grade? Wait! How can it be that I am failing miserably already!?!)
Eli - ( Picking up quickly on my obvious ignorance....) 'Okay, I will give you the next letter mom. 'F', 'A'....."
Me - ( My mind is racing, and anxiety is building. What? WHAT? WHAT IS IT? What do they call it now? )
Me - "Eli, I don't know what it is, I'm sorry. Please just tell me. "
Eli - (Rolling his eyes.) "Okay, mom, but I know it's a bad word, ( Now looking at me with great trepidation...) and I'll just give you the last letter, so don't be mad. It's a 'T'.
Me - (Thinking... okay, now what were the letters?...Oh... sweet air, as I take a deep breath in, smile lovingly (yet not so as to embarrass him), and rejoice that the bad word is "Fat". I was tempted to rationalize that as being a correct scientific term in some circles, but decided that wouldn't serve him long term, especially when he gets married.)
So, we had a calm, truthful, and insightful discussion after that, cut short by Eli's diverted attention to a poster on his wall.
:-)
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Hearing, thinking, cleaning up. What do these three things have in common?
In the car this morning, Julia told me she wanted to go to heaven. Being up for insight, I asked her why.
"Because I want to talk to Jesus."
I, taking hold of the opportunity to encourage her, said "Julia - you can talk to Jesus every time you pray!"
"Yeah, but I want Him to hear me better."
Hmmmm.
Dad.... I want you to know, I've overthought it some more, :-) ... and after living in denial I now admit you are right after all these years. I do think too much. (We have a friend here who has said the same.)
Now the only problem is that if I stop, I won't have anything to write about..... (Just kidding.) God used what you said to make a point ( actually a few ) this week. Thanks.
Well. Jason just took me on a "guided imagery" journey in preparation for the youth ralley class he is doing this weekend. (Literally - he interrupted my blogging to do it. ) For any of you who did it last night, my room was a brown dusty attic looking area, with a lot of clutter..... it told me a lot. :-)
Good night!
"Because I want to talk to Jesus."
I, taking hold of the opportunity to encourage her, said "Julia - you can talk to Jesus every time you pray!"
"Yeah, but I want Him to hear me better."
Hmmmm.
Dad.... I want you to know, I've overthought it some more, :-) ... and after living in denial I now admit you are right after all these years. I do think too much. (We have a friend here who has said the same.)
Now the only problem is that if I stop, I won't have anything to write about..... (Just kidding.) God used what you said to make a point ( actually a few ) this week. Thanks.
Well. Jason just took me on a "guided imagery" journey in preparation for the youth ralley class he is doing this weekend. (Literally - he interrupted my blogging to do it. ) For any of you who did it last night, my room was a brown dusty attic looking area, with a lot of clutter..... it told me a lot. :-)
Good night!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A fun moment
No real point to this post, except to share a moment of amazement. Jason's been reading Chronicles of Narnia to Eli each night. ( Eli has also been listening to the books on CD).
Tonight the boy quoted by memory a page and a half of dialogue from one of the chapters.... british accents and all for each of the characters.
It cracked me up.
Tonight the boy quoted by memory a page and a half of dialogue from one of the chapters.... british accents and all for each of the characters.
It cracked me up.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Flying, Swimming , Reasoning.
Thanks to all of you who commented last week. Every single comment blessed Jason and I so much. We are rich because of your friendship. :-)
I flew to Nashville this week for my grandmother's 80th birthday. Julia flew with me. She was eagerly anticipating the takeoff, and after an extra long taxi down one of the runways, she looked at me and said with disgust "We're going to drive there?!?"
The weekend was fun. It always takes a while for that side of my family to warm up to each other. I'm usually not there long enough for that to happen. But I prayed that God would speed the normal dynamics up for His purposes and He answered that prayer amazingly. Too often I forget to pray for such things. A friend recently told me that she prays for God to give her extra hours in the day. I've done that recently - and His faithfulness amazes me.:-)
Eli told me today that he wanted to be baptized. I've known it was coming. He is so intelligent... so logical, and so sensitive. He's questioned everything about it - the reason, the logistics, and "What happens when you go under the water?"
It's funny when a physical mind tries to dissect the spiritual realm.
I asked him why he wanted to do it. He replied "Because I believe in Jesus and I want to know God better."
It's a hard place to be as a parent. It's the thing I desire most for him in life - to give himself fully to Christ,and to embrace Christ as his Lord, his Master, his Rescuer. But to celebrate this decision in the lives of others, and yet walk patiently through Eli's desire to experience it, knowing it is so much more than he even has the capacity to grasp right now is hard to do.
I've been trying to put into words all day how to affirm his heart towards God, and yet help him delay his decision until it can truly reflect a desire to lay down his own life and embrace Christ's. Yet I don't want him to feel rejected by God or by us as we pursue that patiently. And I'm not the most sensitive communicator. So your prayers are cherished.
This morning, I told him I loved him, I was proud of him, and that we could study it some more. He didn't bring it up again, for now.
Last week at a swim party, Eli didn't pass a test to swim to the deep end of the pool. The lifeguard said he could retest, but I knew he wasn't ready. Yet he was determined. I told him to practice, and he did diligently. After about 30 minutes, he called to me to get the lifeguard's attention so he could retest. I told him to wait, and practice a few more times. He resisted, and motioned for me to get her. After 2 or 3 more exchanges, he finally bypassed me and flagged down the lifeguard himself. She generously passed him and kept a close eye on him.
I love that spirit of determination in him. I pray it will help him refuse to take no for an answer when the time is right and he really knows what it means to own this decision.
Thanks for your prayers over him.
I flew to Nashville this week for my grandmother's 80th birthday. Julia flew with me. She was eagerly anticipating the takeoff, and after an extra long taxi down one of the runways, she looked at me and said with disgust "We're going to drive there?!?"
The weekend was fun. It always takes a while for that side of my family to warm up to each other. I'm usually not there long enough for that to happen. But I prayed that God would speed the normal dynamics up for His purposes and He answered that prayer amazingly. Too often I forget to pray for such things. A friend recently told me that she prays for God to give her extra hours in the day. I've done that recently - and His faithfulness amazes me.:-)
Eli told me today that he wanted to be baptized. I've known it was coming. He is so intelligent... so logical, and so sensitive. He's questioned everything about it - the reason, the logistics, and "What happens when you go under the water?"
It's funny when a physical mind tries to dissect the spiritual realm.
I asked him why he wanted to do it. He replied "Because I believe in Jesus and I want to know God better."
It's a hard place to be as a parent. It's the thing I desire most for him in life - to give himself fully to Christ,and to embrace Christ as his Lord, his Master, his Rescuer. But to celebrate this decision in the lives of others, and yet walk patiently through Eli's desire to experience it, knowing it is so much more than he even has the capacity to grasp right now is hard to do.
I've been trying to put into words all day how to affirm his heart towards God, and yet help him delay his decision until it can truly reflect a desire to lay down his own life and embrace Christ's. Yet I don't want him to feel rejected by God or by us as we pursue that patiently. And I'm not the most sensitive communicator. So your prayers are cherished.
This morning, I told him I loved him, I was proud of him, and that we could study it some more. He didn't bring it up again, for now.
Last week at a swim party, Eli didn't pass a test to swim to the deep end of the pool. The lifeguard said he could retest, but I knew he wasn't ready. Yet he was determined. I told him to practice, and he did diligently. After about 30 minutes, he called to me to get the lifeguard's attention so he could retest. I told him to wait, and practice a few more times. He resisted, and motioned for me to get her. After 2 or 3 more exchanges, he finally bypassed me and flagged down the lifeguard himself. She generously passed him and kept a close eye on him.
I love that spirit of determination in him. I pray it will help him refuse to take no for an answer when the time is right and he really knows what it means to own this decision.
Thanks for your prayers over him.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Water is a good theme this week. :-)
Yeah!! Now I can feel like I'm in a fishbowl when you read this!! Haha! I am so excited to change the look of this blog - (Thanks Theresa! ) but in the process I cut my picture in half, and I guess after that completely off. It took me two weeks to figure out how to put a picture on in the first place! So just look at the fish.....
These last few weeks have been busy, challenging, and messy. I don't like to write when I feel like my life is messy, ... and life is often messy, hence the long gaps. It's still messy tonight, but I am a recovering perfectionist, so this is therapy. :-)
Of most significance this week was my husband's decision to be baptized Sunday.
(Julia told him later that night that she was so proud of him. - Because he went underwater! That takes on new meaning when it was the very thing you feared about swimming lessons all summer!!!)
For many, I'm sure, this was a surprising event. I certainly know he didn't wake up Sunday morning with that on his "to do" list either. I can remember the first discussion about some of his thoughts & doubts surrounding about his baptism as a young person occured even before we were married. There haven't been many discussions about it, maybe 5 or 6 "mental wrestlings" about it over the last 10 years, but nevertheless, it has always been there.
Jason shared later that God used the bible class that morning to prepare him and deal with his pride, and the sermon to deal with him directly over this long struggle - every argument he presented was answered by God's Spirit, all the way around. When the lesson was over, he was already in tears, and as he stood up to walk forward, he just leaned over and said "I'm done."
What victory in those words.
I don't know how to vicariously experience someone else's freedom or salvation, but I feel like that moment was the closest I've ever been, personally. The beginning of freedom is found only at the end of oneself, and that was as much at the end of himself as I have ever had the privilege of knowing Jason.
It reminded me again of how much I am my own prison guard, when my God calls me to freedom. Sometimes freedom, in its purest form, doesn't look fashionable to me. I'd prefer a nice, clean, competent look over a messy, mistaken, desperate look. The irony is that the fashionable look is just a imitation overcoat, - never the real thing, inside or out.
"I'm done."
While being cleaned and sealed and redeemed is a beautiful gift poured into us in an instance, "I'm done" is a phrase worth repeating daily in the life of every follow of Christ. To begin every single morning at the end of ourselves is to accept the invitation into true freedom and life, every day.
A special thanks to those of you who celebrated this day with us.
These last few weeks have been busy, challenging, and messy. I don't like to write when I feel like my life is messy, ... and life is often messy, hence the long gaps. It's still messy tonight, but I am a recovering perfectionist, so this is therapy. :-)
Of most significance this week was my husband's decision to be baptized Sunday.
(Julia told him later that night that she was so proud of him. - Because he went underwater! That takes on new meaning when it was the very thing you feared about swimming lessons all summer!!!)
For many, I'm sure, this was a surprising event. I certainly know he didn't wake up Sunday morning with that on his "to do" list either. I can remember the first discussion about some of his thoughts & doubts surrounding about his baptism as a young person occured even before we were married. There haven't been many discussions about it, maybe 5 or 6 "mental wrestlings" about it over the last 10 years, but nevertheless, it has always been there.
Jason shared later that God used the bible class that morning to prepare him and deal with his pride, and the sermon to deal with him directly over this long struggle - every argument he presented was answered by God's Spirit, all the way around. When the lesson was over, he was already in tears, and as he stood up to walk forward, he just leaned over and said "I'm done."
What victory in those words.
I don't know how to vicariously experience someone else's freedom or salvation, but I feel like that moment was the closest I've ever been, personally. The beginning of freedom is found only at the end of oneself, and that was as much at the end of himself as I have ever had the privilege of knowing Jason.
It reminded me again of how much I am my own prison guard, when my God calls me to freedom. Sometimes freedom, in its purest form, doesn't look fashionable to me. I'd prefer a nice, clean, competent look over a messy, mistaken, desperate look. The irony is that the fashionable look is just a imitation overcoat, - never the real thing, inside or out.
"I'm done."
While being cleaned and sealed and redeemed is a beautiful gift poured into us in an instance, "I'm done" is a phrase worth repeating daily in the life of every follow of Christ. To begin every single morning at the end of ourselves is to accept the invitation into true freedom and life, every day.
A special thanks to those of you who celebrated this day with us.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Sex education - on the right track.
Jason's been reading a old but good book on raising kids, and protecting their purity. It sparked off sex education conversation with Julia . I loved how it started....
Jason: "Julia, do you know where babies come from?"
Julia: "Yep."
Jason: "Where do they come from?"
Julia: "The babysitter."
I liked that answer. :-)
Jason: "Julia, do you know where babies come from?"
Julia: "Yep."
Jason: "Where do they come from?"
Julia: "The babysitter."
I liked that answer. :-)
Movie Night
Tonight, our kiddos were invited to spend the night and that left us with an opportunity for a date! WOO HOO!
So after dinner, we hit the movies.
I don't know if M. Night Shyamalan has a cult following, but if he does, I'm in it.
I have yet to walk away from one of his movies and simply say "That was a good movie."
On the surface, every movie of his merits "good" just by it's story, suspense, surprise, and the point in every movie where he gets you to gasp out loud in just a good old fashioned scary moment.
I know some people don't get them or like them, but if you follow the symbolism in each, you know why I think he is brilliant.
Jason and I drove home tonight reflecting on the spiritual and symbolic theme of each movie he has made. I'd put the contents of our discussion down, but I don't want to ruin the current movie. If your a fan though, find another fan.... and enjoy the discussion that ensues as you think about the themes.
Sixth Sense
Unbreakable
Signs
The Village
The Lady in the Water
Jason thinks that 10 years from now he will make a movie that will tie all of his previous movies together. I don't know what that would look like, but I know I would love it!
So after dinner, we hit the movies.
I don't know if M. Night Shyamalan has a cult following, but if he does, I'm in it.
I have yet to walk away from one of his movies and simply say "That was a good movie."
On the surface, every movie of his merits "good" just by it's story, suspense, surprise, and the point in every movie where he gets you to gasp out loud in just a good old fashioned scary moment.
I know some people don't get them or like them, but if you follow the symbolism in each, you know why I think he is brilliant.
Jason and I drove home tonight reflecting on the spiritual and symbolic theme of each movie he has made. I'd put the contents of our discussion down, but I don't want to ruin the current movie. If your a fan though, find another fan.... and enjoy the discussion that ensues as you think about the themes.
Sixth Sense
Unbreakable
Signs
The Village
The Lady in the Water
Jason thinks that 10 years from now he will make a movie that will tie all of his previous movies together. I don't know what that would look like, but I know I would love it!
Monday, July 31, 2006
This insight of 24 hours
Had a garage sale this weekend. It didn't go great, in the way of sales, but went GREAT in the way of clearing out junk in our house. I am all over simplicity. I can't always get life to coordinate with me, but this was a great effort. My house is actually staying a little cleaner, and I'm no longer overwhelmed by piles of stuff I "need to get to". I just threw them all away.
I love the motto at church, - "A place to start life over." Funny that I found myself having to do that at home too. I love that, though. I can look back and identify periods of depression in my life linked to a false sense of hopelessness that I could never start over - I had messed up, and there was no turning back. Too much junk to wade through.
I'm pretty sure everyone feels it at some point.
I love learning that God gives us new mercy, every single morning. We as people are much harder on each other. How many relationships do you ever wish you could just "start over", yet realize, even then, another point of failure would just arise again.
Piled up junk defines too many of my relationships.Junk I long to throw out.
I long for grace and mercy to define my relationship with others, like God infuses it in to His relationship with me. I long for us to be more free in the forgiveness and compassion offered each other.
Even when it is offered freely to us, we are sometimes wary of it. We are suspicious that it may come back to haunt us. As a result, many relationships just end, thinking happiness is just too far out of reach.
What wisdom God offers us in our in our pursuit of acceptance from one another. 24 hours. ... new mercy every morning. A sun that doesn't set on anger. Freedom, that inspires us not to abuse grace but to love more deeply than we thought we were capable of, and more compassionately than we ever thought was safe.
I love that about Him.
I love the motto at church, - "A place to start life over." Funny that I found myself having to do that at home too. I love that, though. I can look back and identify periods of depression in my life linked to a false sense of hopelessness that I could never start over - I had messed up, and there was no turning back. Too much junk to wade through.
I'm pretty sure everyone feels it at some point.
I love learning that God gives us new mercy, every single morning. We as people are much harder on each other. How many relationships do you ever wish you could just "start over", yet realize, even then, another point of failure would just arise again.
Piled up junk defines too many of my relationships.Junk I long to throw out.
I long for grace and mercy to define my relationship with others, like God infuses it in to His relationship with me. I long for us to be more free in the forgiveness and compassion offered each other.
Even when it is offered freely to us, we are sometimes wary of it. We are suspicious that it may come back to haunt us. As a result, many relationships just end, thinking happiness is just too far out of reach.
What wisdom God offers us in our in our pursuit of acceptance from one another. 24 hours. ... new mercy every morning. A sun that doesn't set on anger. Freedom, that inspires us not to abuse grace but to love more deeply than we thought we were capable of, and more compassionately than we ever thought was safe.
I love that about Him.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Blue Like Jazz
Hello to whoever is left out here!
I have had to lay off of blogging, first because I have been out of town, but secondly because when I sit down to write my thoughts, I found myself getting irritated if the kids would interrupt me. Then it hit me that this was a pretty selfish & stupid move on my part. So I have done some reorganzing of time and priorities. I like keeping up with everyone this way, I just may be a bit more limited in what I say. ( Some of you are thankful!)
Well, we are back from the NACC ( which was a wonderful experience!!) and from Lubbock to see my niece! ( WOO HOO!) It was awesome. I am so thankful for the many ways God blesses us.
I just finished the book "Blue Like Jazz" last night. I'm slow on the bandwagon but I certainly know now why everyone piled on.
Donald Miller so simply and convictingly says things that were in my subconscious, that I wouldn't even allow to the front of my mind, let alone say out loud. Yet when he gave words to the depravity I struggled with within myself, I found myself relieved.
Not relieved to be this way, but relieved to not be alone and know that it is not some grand anomoly in myself. I knew that... but still wasn't quite sure that I wasn't a freak. I feel confident I am being transformed, but at times am discouraged by the pace of the transformation- as he mentions, much more like a stroll.
No doubt some of that is in fact due to my reluctance to admit how deep the problem of my selfishness and self absorption runs. I tend to want to stack up my improvements and compare them with where and how I used to be, rather than just admitting the reality that remains - speaking it out loud so as just to deal with it.
Uggghh. That book delightfully stepped all over my toes. I love God's discipline, because I really do want to be like Him. He is graceful in that He doesn't overwhelm us with the realizatoin of how depraved we are all at once - though Satan certainly tries to do that. God seems to rather reveal it incrementally - only as our awareness & understanding of His love and treasuring of us grows proportionally.
How freeing to not confuse Satan's accussation with God's conviction. They feel completely different, but I didn't always know that. They bear completely different fruit in my life as well. ( My husband is appreciative of that. :-)
Well, the refrigerator man is coming and I'm going to be ready. He wasn't happy with us last week, so he moved us off the emergency list and pushed us to this morning. ( Moving our groceries to the garbage.) We made a mistake that messed up his schedule. Though I apologized, because it was our fault, I found myself (in the 'play about me' for those who read the book...) being tense about his arrival this morning and trying to defensively anticipate how the conversation will go.
How freeing to have this stuff fresh on my mind. Jesus is a genius. Seriously.
If I can get my heart to embrace what my mind philosophically comprehends, and I can get my mouth to fall in line with my heart, then I get a little closer to tasting the freedom He always promised His truth brings.
WOO HOO!!!
I have had to lay off of blogging, first because I have been out of town, but secondly because when I sit down to write my thoughts, I found myself getting irritated if the kids would interrupt me. Then it hit me that this was a pretty selfish & stupid move on my part. So I have done some reorganzing of time and priorities. I like keeping up with everyone this way, I just may be a bit more limited in what I say. ( Some of you are thankful!)
Well, we are back from the NACC ( which was a wonderful experience!!) and from Lubbock to see my niece! ( WOO HOO!) It was awesome. I am so thankful for the many ways God blesses us.
I just finished the book "Blue Like Jazz" last night. I'm slow on the bandwagon but I certainly know now why everyone piled on.
Donald Miller so simply and convictingly says things that were in my subconscious, that I wouldn't even allow to the front of my mind, let alone say out loud. Yet when he gave words to the depravity I struggled with within myself, I found myself relieved.
Not relieved to be this way, but relieved to not be alone and know that it is not some grand anomoly in myself. I knew that... but still wasn't quite sure that I wasn't a freak. I feel confident I am being transformed, but at times am discouraged by the pace of the transformation- as he mentions, much more like a stroll.
No doubt some of that is in fact due to my reluctance to admit how deep the problem of my selfishness and self absorption runs. I tend to want to stack up my improvements and compare them with where and how I used to be, rather than just admitting the reality that remains - speaking it out loud so as just to deal with it.
Uggghh. That book delightfully stepped all over my toes. I love God's discipline, because I really do want to be like Him. He is graceful in that He doesn't overwhelm us with the realizatoin of how depraved we are all at once - though Satan certainly tries to do that. God seems to rather reveal it incrementally - only as our awareness & understanding of His love and treasuring of us grows proportionally.
How freeing to not confuse Satan's accussation with God's conviction. They feel completely different, but I didn't always know that. They bear completely different fruit in my life as well. ( My husband is appreciative of that. :-)
Well, the refrigerator man is coming and I'm going to be ready. He wasn't happy with us last week, so he moved us off the emergency list and pushed us to this morning. ( Moving our groceries to the garbage.) We made a mistake that messed up his schedule. Though I apologized, because it was our fault, I found myself (in the 'play about me' for those who read the book...) being tense about his arrival this morning and trying to defensively anticipate how the conversation will go.
How freeing to have this stuff fresh on my mind. Jesus is a genius. Seriously.
If I can get my heart to embrace what my mind philosophically comprehends, and I can get my mouth to fall in line with my heart, then I get a little closer to tasting the freedom He always promised His truth brings.
WOO HOO!!!
Friday, June 02, 2006
Rock vs. Sand
Came across this from Mike's blog.
Go to www.lauravanryn.blogspot.com
Unbelievable. It's worth the read back through a couple of past blogs to get the picture of what happened - I hadn't heard until I read this.
The faith of two families who trust in God beyond unimaginable circumstances made a huge impact on my heart this morning. It saddens, inspires, encourages, and increases my hope in what's to come.
__________
I read this morning from Luke 6:27 - 49.
I'm trying to pray each day a little more of His word and less of my own thoughts and wants.
This morning's was tough passage to swallow. A tough passage to pray out loud and ask for Him to accomplish in me.
Jesus calls me on the carpet for thinking that being kind to those I love will in any way draw attention to Him in my life. The world walks right beside me in the same actions!
It's not until I do the unthinkable - the unimaginable - the unreasonable, that I demonstrate that I walk by faith. Nothing else will draw attention of unbelievers to our lives and ultimately to the One in Whom we have faith. No wonder many call christians hypocrites. He tells us himself that we are if we don't get this.
I struggle to put into words what I understand Him calling me to, but here is a starting point for me:
When someone criticizes or mocks me.... I turn around and bless them. (A start for me would be to not complain about them... but blessing them moves from that into much bigger things.)
When taken advantage of, I don't run and hide ... but rather I face them to see what they needed that motivated the offense / attack and offer more of it until I see their need greater need filled. I have to look pas the fear, the ugliness, and all that intimidates me to do that.
I loan my things. No... rather I give. It's not until I don't expect it back that it looks different from the world.
I see this passage ask me to comprehend the heart of God that pours out goodness even upon those who aren't thankful - and in fact ungrateful... and develop the same heart in trying to be His child.
I am farther from it than I would like to let myself believe.
Remember "the wise man built his house upon the rock?"
For as familiar as this children's song rings in my head... I didn't realize until this morning that it follows this passage. It is these very words... some of the hardest to swallow and live out daily... about which Jesus said:
"... but the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built his house on the ground with out a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and it's destruction was complete."
The picture of all my rationalizations for not practicing this concept suddenly shows itself to be a foundation of sand that I trusted in a bit more than I let myself realize.
I don't know that I even love 'well' those who I really love... but it's obvious to me today why He's convicted me about loving those whom I haven no reason to love... and even more those whom I might have more reason to resent rather than love.
He is worth it. His truth is rock...even when it makes no sense to my nature or instinct.... I am changing that over anyway to be His nature. I'm reminded that this is why faith is defined as trusting what you don't see rather than what you do.
So I'm going to keep letting Him call me on the carpet
until my mouth and actions begin to reveal a heart more like His.
Go to www.lauravanryn.blogspot.com
Unbelievable. It's worth the read back through a couple of past blogs to get the picture of what happened - I hadn't heard until I read this.
The faith of two families who trust in God beyond unimaginable circumstances made a huge impact on my heart this morning. It saddens, inspires, encourages, and increases my hope in what's to come.
__________
I read this morning from Luke 6:27 - 49.
I'm trying to pray each day a little more of His word and less of my own thoughts and wants.
This morning's was tough passage to swallow. A tough passage to pray out loud and ask for Him to accomplish in me.
Jesus calls me on the carpet for thinking that being kind to those I love will in any way draw attention to Him in my life. The world walks right beside me in the same actions!
It's not until I do the unthinkable - the unimaginable - the unreasonable, that I demonstrate that I walk by faith. Nothing else will draw attention of unbelievers to our lives and ultimately to the One in Whom we have faith. No wonder many call christians hypocrites. He tells us himself that we are if we don't get this.
I struggle to put into words what I understand Him calling me to, but here is a starting point for me:
When someone criticizes or mocks me.... I turn around and bless them. (A start for me would be to not complain about them... but blessing them moves from that into much bigger things.)
When taken advantage of, I don't run and hide ... but rather I face them to see what they needed that motivated the offense / attack and offer more of it until I see their need greater need filled. I have to look pas the fear, the ugliness, and all that intimidates me to do that.
I loan my things. No... rather I give. It's not until I don't expect it back that it looks different from the world.
I see this passage ask me to comprehend the heart of God that pours out goodness even upon those who aren't thankful - and in fact ungrateful... and develop the same heart in trying to be His child.
I am farther from it than I would like to let myself believe.
Remember "the wise man built his house upon the rock?"
For as familiar as this children's song rings in my head... I didn't realize until this morning that it follows this passage. It is these very words... some of the hardest to swallow and live out daily... about which Jesus said:
"... but the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built his house on the ground with out a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and it's destruction was complete."
The picture of all my rationalizations for not practicing this concept suddenly shows itself to be a foundation of sand that I trusted in a bit more than I let myself realize.
I don't know that I even love 'well' those who I really love... but it's obvious to me today why He's convicted me about loving those whom I haven no reason to love... and even more those whom I might have more reason to resent rather than love.
He is worth it. His truth is rock...even when it makes no sense to my nature or instinct.... I am changing that over anyway to be His nature. I'm reminded that this is why faith is defined as trusting what you don't see rather than what you do.
So I'm going to keep letting Him call me on the carpet
until my mouth and actions begin to reveal a heart more like His.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
An almost- compliment
Doing the morning ritual of make up and hair, with Julia faithfully by my side. ( Oh the memories this ritual will make...)
Upon fininshing my hair this morning and flipping it up, Julia's attention is caught by the motion - and she looks up wide eyed and amazed at the transformation. ( There is a big one.) :-)
'Wow mom! You look almost like Belle. Except Belle don't wear those flip-flops. '
Upon fininshing my hair this morning and flipping it up, Julia's attention is caught by the motion - and she looks up wide eyed and amazed at the transformation. ( There is a big one.) :-)
'Wow mom! You look almost like Belle. Except Belle don't wear those flip-flops. '
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Reading / Respect
Been reading a ton lately.... and have wanted to blog about it - so I'll commit myself publicly and come back as I can... but one of my new favorite books is "The Cross Examination of Christ", by Randy Singer.
It's worth it's own post so I will come back to it.
Also, Jason and I got to go to a Family Life Marriage Seminar a couple of weeks ago - and while there we picked up two books by Shaunti Feldhahn - "For Women Only' is the one I am reading, and Jason is reading the one for guys. ("For Men Only." Of course Jason, being the overachieving reader - is reading both.
I have to admit, I'm always embarrassed to read things that sound so simple but they are for me a 'lightbulb' or 'aha' moment - but I embrace them the same, and for me, today, I read a little part in this book that turned the light on.
In the book, Shaunti sets forth the results of a survey asking men whether they would rather feel unloved and unwanted, or inadequate and disrespected. Results overwhelmingly showed that while the majority of women would rather feel disrespected, most men would rather feel unloved. And there is a difference. That alone made me think twice.
Which would you rather feel?
When it comes to respecting my husband, I think much of the difficulty with this for me personally is defining respect. Most often we start and work from the definitions in our own head - which is great if your definition matches up with the one who's expectations you are trying to meet. But it's takes a while in life to discover you might need to check in and make sure your definintion is the same in the first place before you start trying to plan all the ways to live up to it!
She mentions that if we want to be clued in, a 'disrespect barometer' in men is anger.
Very simple.
Very a-ha for me.
I know we do it to men .... a simple comment and all the sudden they find themselves in a muck with us they didn't see coming and want desperately to get out of, and they can't even figure out how they got there in the first place. It's so clear to us, and to every woman we might later share it with. :-)
But as intuitive as we think we are, we just don't get that we do the very same things just as cluelessly.
'I'm just trying to help'.
'It's so obvious what needs to be done...'
'If you would just...'
And if you are like me, (and female), you may read those phrases, think of the last time you thought or said them, and can justify exactly why you were right.
Umm Hmm.
That's what I didn't get. I'm a help meet... a ' helper' - thats what I DO... I'm supposed to help! Right? How in the world can I offer help and not come across critical?!? Doesn't the very nature of a correction or help suggest some level of inadequacy? Hmmm.. I wonder... does it have to ? Or do we just carelessly let it?
"The funny thing is- most of us do respect the man in our lives and often don't realize when our words or actions convey exactly the opposite. We may be totally perplexed when our man responds negatively in a conversation, helplessly wondering, What did I say? Combine this with the difficulty many men have articulating their feelings (i.e., why they are upset), and you've got a combustible - and frustrating situation." ( p.24)
I recognize the anger when it happens.... but am just now learning to backtrack to the last few things I said and recheck them for something that could be understood as disrespect or condescension. Sometimes it's obvious... I know what I meant and I know how it sounded. And he's got a reason to be angry and I've got a responsibility to repent. But sometimes it is a genuine mistake - and checking in with him on how he understood what I just said helps - offering different words as well as encouragement helps lessen the tension and keeps us on track of what we really want to talk about rather than tripping us off into an emotional 'discussion' neither of us really enjoys of the past and present mistakes we make with each other.
Most of all, from the seminar and these few pages - I loved learning about the source of respect, again. It's counter-cultural, and so I needed to be reminded of it. The world doesn't often set out to reinforce God's truths... so if we just 'go with the flow' of what's around us, we will find ourselves quickly as unhappy as the rest of the married couples we are called to be a light to.
"Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly lovable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment. ( A-HA!)(Duh - I know... but still A- ha!)
'We've become such a love- dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says. (Of Love and Respect.) 'Like the Beatles said,'All you need is love.' So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned. Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are {i.e. our husbands}, apart from how they do."
"... Just as our men can choose to demonstrate love towards us even if they don't feel it at the moment, we can and should choose to demonstrate respect toward them. In fact, the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians (5) , phobeo, means to be in awe of , to revere. It's not just a matter of bland regard. We are supposed to be highly valuing our men! " ( pgs. 26, 27, For Women Only)
God gives us the ability to do that - to offer respect unconditionally and to highly value - based on worth much more than just in the moment. We might not be practiced at it, and it may seem foreign, especially in those moments of conflict or disagreement, but that is when it is all the more applicable. After all, we are thankful when they choose to love us in our unloveable moments.... and we have a lot of them. We might find a lot more of our unloveable moments covered by unconditional love as we offer the same kind of respect.
God's wisdom is amazing. When we give up on the game of 'who goes first'.... and just obey God in relating to our mate for the sake of HIS worthiness.... we find alot more of the peace, hope and genuine contentment His truth promises.
When I sit down and think about it... I have no problem with respect. I think my husband is wonderful, and I can think of non-stop reasons why. Now, however, to let that be the mindset of every moment, not just the ones with an absence of conflict.
To let God's wisdom be the guide of my role in marriage... so that He can be more fully glorified. ( And Jason and I both would reap the fringe benefits of that...:-)
It's worth it's own post so I will come back to it.
Also, Jason and I got to go to a Family Life Marriage Seminar a couple of weeks ago - and while there we picked up two books by Shaunti Feldhahn - "For Women Only' is the one I am reading, and Jason is reading the one for guys. ("For Men Only." Of course Jason, being the overachieving reader - is reading both.
I have to admit, I'm always embarrassed to read things that sound so simple but they are for me a 'lightbulb' or 'aha' moment - but I embrace them the same, and for me, today, I read a little part in this book that turned the light on.
In the book, Shaunti sets forth the results of a survey asking men whether they would rather feel unloved and unwanted, or inadequate and disrespected. Results overwhelmingly showed that while the majority of women would rather feel disrespected, most men would rather feel unloved. And there is a difference. That alone made me think twice.
Which would you rather feel?
When it comes to respecting my husband, I think much of the difficulty with this for me personally is defining respect. Most often we start and work from the definitions in our own head - which is great if your definition matches up with the one who's expectations you are trying to meet. But it's takes a while in life to discover you might need to check in and make sure your definintion is the same in the first place before you start trying to plan all the ways to live up to it!
She mentions that if we want to be clued in, a 'disrespect barometer' in men is anger.
Very simple.
Very a-ha for me.
I know we do it to men .... a simple comment and all the sudden they find themselves in a muck with us they didn't see coming and want desperately to get out of, and they can't even figure out how they got there in the first place. It's so clear to us, and to every woman we might later share it with. :-)
But as intuitive as we think we are, we just don't get that we do the very same things just as cluelessly.
'I'm just trying to help'.
'It's so obvious what needs to be done...'
'If you would just...'
And if you are like me, (and female), you may read those phrases, think of the last time you thought or said them, and can justify exactly why you were right.
Umm Hmm.
That's what I didn't get. I'm a help meet... a ' helper' - thats what I DO... I'm supposed to help! Right? How in the world can I offer help and not come across critical?!? Doesn't the very nature of a correction or help suggest some level of inadequacy? Hmmm.. I wonder... does it have to ? Or do we just carelessly let it?
"The funny thing is- most of us do respect the man in our lives and often don't realize when our words or actions convey exactly the opposite. We may be totally perplexed when our man responds negatively in a conversation, helplessly wondering, What did I say? Combine this with the difficulty many men have articulating their feelings (i.e., why they are upset), and you've got a combustible - and frustrating situation." ( p.24)
I recognize the anger when it happens.... but am just now learning to backtrack to the last few things I said and recheck them for something that could be understood as disrespect or condescension. Sometimes it's obvious... I know what I meant and I know how it sounded. And he's got a reason to be angry and I've got a responsibility to repent. But sometimes it is a genuine mistake - and checking in with him on how he understood what I just said helps - offering different words as well as encouragement helps lessen the tension and keeps us on track of what we really want to talk about rather than tripping us off into an emotional 'discussion' neither of us really enjoys of the past and present mistakes we make with each other.
Most of all, from the seminar and these few pages - I loved learning about the source of respect, again. It's counter-cultural, and so I needed to be reminded of it. The world doesn't often set out to reinforce God's truths... so if we just 'go with the flow' of what's around us, we will find ourselves quickly as unhappy as the rest of the married couples we are called to be a light to.
"Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly lovable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment. ( A-HA!)(Duh - I know... but still A- ha!)
'We've become such a love- dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says. (Of Love and Respect.) 'Like the Beatles said,'All you need is love.' So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned. Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are {i.e. our husbands}, apart from how they do."
"... Just as our men can choose to demonstrate love towards us even if they don't feel it at the moment, we can and should choose to demonstrate respect toward them. In fact, the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians (5) , phobeo, means to be in awe of , to revere. It's not just a matter of bland regard. We are supposed to be highly valuing our men! " ( pgs. 26, 27, For Women Only)
God gives us the ability to do that - to offer respect unconditionally and to highly value - based on worth much more than just in the moment. We might not be practiced at it, and it may seem foreign, especially in those moments of conflict or disagreement, but that is when it is all the more applicable. After all, we are thankful when they choose to love us in our unloveable moments.... and we have a lot of them. We might find a lot more of our unloveable moments covered by unconditional love as we offer the same kind of respect.
God's wisdom is amazing. When we give up on the game of 'who goes first'.... and just obey God in relating to our mate for the sake of HIS worthiness.... we find alot more of the peace, hope and genuine contentment His truth promises.
When I sit down and think about it... I have no problem with respect. I think my husband is wonderful, and I can think of non-stop reasons why. Now, however, to let that be the mindset of every moment, not just the ones with an absence of conflict.
To let God's wisdom be the guide of my role in marriage... so that He can be more fully glorified. ( And Jason and I both would reap the fringe benefits of that...:-)
Random catch -up
Okay-
I have slowed down in posting some... just rearranging schedules and priorities some, and in doing so I haven't been able to get to this as much. But I will try and be a little more frequent!
Got to go to Branson with my dad, Meme, Susan and Charles this weekend .... it was tiring but fun.
I can remember as a kid hating the heat, hating the lines, but LOVING the atmosphere.... and I think that is a pretty universal feeling for kids. And growing up hasn't changed it. We loved it and the kids were wiped out. It was great. I can see how the passes we bought are a much bigger investment that we realized at the time.
Fun... enjoyment....rest.... laughter.... they all lend to a family cohesion and appreciation of each other that can get lost in day to day routine. I love making these memories.
Julia is always deciding what she wants to be when she grows up. Usually it's a doctor and a cowgirl.
This morning however, she announced that she wants Eli to be a Captain and she will be the first mate that gets to say "Aye Aye, Captain." Hee hee.
(I'm betting that won't last long, though.)
I have slowed down in posting some... just rearranging schedules and priorities some, and in doing so I haven't been able to get to this as much. But I will try and be a little more frequent!
Got to go to Branson with my dad, Meme, Susan and Charles this weekend .... it was tiring but fun.
I can remember as a kid hating the heat, hating the lines, but LOVING the atmosphere.... and I think that is a pretty universal feeling for kids. And growing up hasn't changed it. We loved it and the kids were wiped out. It was great. I can see how the passes we bought are a much bigger investment that we realized at the time.
Fun... enjoyment....rest.... laughter.... they all lend to a family cohesion and appreciation of each other that can get lost in day to day routine. I love making these memories.
Julia is always deciding what she wants to be when she grows up. Usually it's a doctor and a cowgirl.
This morning however, she announced that she wants Eli to be a Captain and she will be the first mate that gets to say "Aye Aye, Captain." Hee hee.
(I'm betting that won't last long, though.)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Checking out of reality.
Saw "United 93" Last night.
Wow.
Movies are usually an escape. Or so I say. I can honestly say I have never sat through a movie physically uncomfortable and shaky from beginning to end. It is sobering, especially in the fact that for once you have no room to talk yourself into the possibilities for the ending.
It seems to be a very objective movie when it comes to the possibiliteies it makes conjectures about and it fills in the blanks realistically.
Much like I imagine the news is supposed to be, but never comes close to being anymore. You witness the events- without the commentaries.
Ordinary people making extraordinary moves ... because *life* demanded it.
I couldn't sleep last night. There is something about movies that let you check in and out of reality easily, but when the movies reflect life and there is no 5 minute thriller wrap up at the end... you think a long while on that.
It makes me wonder, even though I don't watch a ton of tv or movies anymore, how many real moments I have checked out of for the convenience of a "nicer, more pleasent" reality. It makes me wonder why we as a culture are so easy to take by surprise, and left dumfounded by evil.
On different scales, the moments that shock us continue every day. Darfur, Invisible children, and the man a few blocks away that that tried to kidnap a child.
I don't want to become more aware of the depths of evil in this world or paranoid by what I see as I open my eyes. But I certainly want to become more passionate and connected to the power of our God and His ability to change it.
He wants to use us to do it. I wonder how available we make ourselves? Or is it easier to check out?
Wow.
Movies are usually an escape. Or so I say. I can honestly say I have never sat through a movie physically uncomfortable and shaky from beginning to end. It is sobering, especially in the fact that for once you have no room to talk yourself into the possibilities for the ending.
It seems to be a very objective movie when it comes to the possibiliteies it makes conjectures about and it fills in the blanks realistically.
Much like I imagine the news is supposed to be, but never comes close to being anymore. You witness the events- without the commentaries.
Ordinary people making extraordinary moves ... because *life* demanded it.
I couldn't sleep last night. There is something about movies that let you check in and out of reality easily, but when the movies reflect life and there is no 5 minute thriller wrap up at the end... you think a long while on that.
It makes me wonder, even though I don't watch a ton of tv or movies anymore, how many real moments I have checked out of for the convenience of a "nicer, more pleasent" reality. It makes me wonder why we as a culture are so easy to take by surprise, and left dumfounded by evil.
On different scales, the moments that shock us continue every day. Darfur, Invisible children, and the man a few blocks away that that tried to kidnap a child.
I don't want to become more aware of the depths of evil in this world or paranoid by what I see as I open my eyes. But I certainly want to become more passionate and connected to the power of our God and His ability to change it.
He wants to use us to do it. I wonder how available we make ourselves? Or is it easier to check out?
Friday, April 21, 2006
Sherlock Holmes wears the panties in our family. (Or not).
I can't tell you how encouraging you all are.
I'm out of my league in friendships. God just works that way though. Thanks for blessing me with your thoughts.
Have to share this one... straight from Julia.
Apparently, she couldn't "hold it" tonight.
She brought the wet clothes to daddy, with guilty face and apology ready.
Jason asked her where the 'accident' happened. She pointed in one direction in the kitchen, but Jason saw a puddle in another spot. He cleaned up what he saw, and then asked her again about where her "accident" was, because looking around, he couldn't see what she had pointed to.
She matter-of-factly said:
'Daddy, if you take your shoes and socks off, you can find it.'
Yep.
Apparently he didn't.
Sure enough, about an hour later, I did. :-)
I'm out of my league in friendships. God just works that way though. Thanks for blessing me with your thoughts.
Have to share this one... straight from Julia.
Apparently, she couldn't "hold it" tonight.
She brought the wet clothes to daddy, with guilty face and apology ready.
Jason asked her where the 'accident' happened. She pointed in one direction in the kitchen, but Jason saw a puddle in another spot. He cleaned up what he saw, and then asked her again about where her "accident" was, because looking around, he couldn't see what she had pointed to.
She matter-of-factly said:
'Daddy, if you take your shoes and socks off, you can find it.'
Yep.
Apparently he didn't.
Sure enough, about an hour later, I did. :-)
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Lost gameboys and worshipping God...
Eli lost his gameboy a week ago.
If you know us, you know this is traumatic. He loves that thing. I do think it is a blessing, for the time being - even as I do hope for his sake we find it.
The painful part was his prayer tonight.
"Dear God, Please Please please help me find my gameboy. Please help me find it right away in the morning, when I first wake up. I have asked you every night for three nights to please please help me find it.
You can do it. You have all the power. I don't know why you don't want to? It's sort of confusing to me. But please help me find it. In Jesus name, Amen."
He walked away, blew his nose ( Allergy season!) and as he threw his tissue away, he began to pray again.
"God, thank you for mom and dad and Julia. Thanks for this day too. Amen"
He looked at me and said;
"You know mom, every time I go to pray, all I can think about is my gameboy. But I know those other things are important and God wants to hear about them too."
_________________
I remember somewhere along the way learning not to pray such things. Much like the disciples told the children not to approach Jesus. Jesus taught them otherwise. I'm once again learning to pray for help to find my keys when they're lost. :-) Eli's already got the lesson learned from the persistent widow in practice...:-)
Bigger than that though, is the process of learning that God isn't Santa Claus. He's better. And I would say that my pain is because it is hard for a 6 year old to comprehend that, but in reality, his prayer is so touching because it is so honestly where we all have been at one point or another, even as adults.
I prayed the same words when I desperately wanted to be free of panic attacks, & anxiety. I've prayed it over lesser wants. I prayed it when our daughter was dying.
There is something painful about the process of comprehending just how great God's power is, and then understanding it's not always "up for grabs" in the manner that we ask just because we ask for it.
Some experience that, and upon learning it, walk away. I did, for a while.
The temptation comes when we perceive a "no", or at least a delay in God's response to us. We begin to tell ourselves that maybe He doesn't really exist, or maybe He's not so powerful. Or maybe we're not worthy. And then our anger is directed to God for making us this way and then not accepting us.... the lies all take different forms, but they are all pretty powerful.
In my case, I tried to talk myself into being an atheist. I wasn't successful in the depths of my heart, in spite genuine effort and motivation at the time. His presence and existence are just undeniable, and was so even in my anger. So I settled for believing in Him, but refusing to worship a God that would allow such things to happen and refuse to answer such simple prayers.
What a common spiritual battle... God battles for us to really know Him. Satan battles for us to shallowly believe we already do.
I'm thankful for the story of the prodigal son. And Peter. And the sinful woman. I'm thankful I had precedence to come back after such actions.
Somewhere along the way we begin to limit our image of God to our own sense of justice and logic. No wonder we would quickly tire of worshipping Him. If He didn't call us to a greater understanding of Himself outside the perimeters of ourselves, we would most likely end up worshipping the mirror... being impressed with all the good things we could call God into action for.
But His "No's", and His delays... His permission for pain to enter our life; they all make us take a second glance at who we think He is. The doubts bring about right questions... and if hang in there and we really grapple with them, we get deeper, better, answers than the superficial ones we often satisfied ourselves with previously.
No doubt, this is a risk.
Some walk away, for a time. Some walk away forever.
But for those that grapple with it - for those that begin to understand their place in relation to Him instead of His power in relation to them...they win. He gains worshippers who truly serve Him and not an image of Him in their own mind, and they find what they had always hoped was there...
Invincible power.
Eternal love.
Presence and working in every situation.
Promises and Trust.
Peace.
Real peace.
Even when the gameboy stays lost and the daughter remains in the grave. (For now....)
I grew up learning of God. I thought I knew God was powerful. I thought I understood His love and goodness.
But in His refusal to instantly gratify some of my wants, in His willingness to tell me no, I began to understand a depth of His power and the intensity of
His love that far superseded my imagination.
And the peace I rest in daily because of that assurance is more satisfying than any artificial peace I would have created by having every whim my limited imagination could dream up answered and put into place.
God has said yes to things I never even dared to pray out of embarrassment. He has said no to things I desperately pleaded for.
And I have learned He is worthy of every last bit of praise I have to offer... everytime.
If you know us, you know this is traumatic. He loves that thing. I do think it is a blessing, for the time being - even as I do hope for his sake we find it.
The painful part was his prayer tonight.
"Dear God, Please Please please help me find my gameboy. Please help me find it right away in the morning, when I first wake up. I have asked you every night for three nights to please please help me find it.
You can do it. You have all the power. I don't know why you don't want to? It's sort of confusing to me. But please help me find it. In Jesus name, Amen."
He walked away, blew his nose ( Allergy season!) and as he threw his tissue away, he began to pray again.
"God, thank you for mom and dad and Julia. Thanks for this day too. Amen"
He looked at me and said;
"You know mom, every time I go to pray, all I can think about is my gameboy. But I know those other things are important and God wants to hear about them too."
_________________
I remember somewhere along the way learning not to pray such things. Much like the disciples told the children not to approach Jesus. Jesus taught them otherwise. I'm once again learning to pray for help to find my keys when they're lost. :-) Eli's already got the lesson learned from the persistent widow in practice...:-)
Bigger than that though, is the process of learning that God isn't Santa Claus. He's better. And I would say that my pain is because it is hard for a 6 year old to comprehend that, but in reality, his prayer is so touching because it is so honestly where we all have been at one point or another, even as adults.
I prayed the same words when I desperately wanted to be free of panic attacks, & anxiety. I've prayed it over lesser wants. I prayed it when our daughter was dying.
There is something painful about the process of comprehending just how great God's power is, and then understanding it's not always "up for grabs" in the manner that we ask just because we ask for it.
Some experience that, and upon learning it, walk away. I did, for a while.
The temptation comes when we perceive a "no", or at least a delay in God's response to us. We begin to tell ourselves that maybe He doesn't really exist, or maybe He's not so powerful. Or maybe we're not worthy. And then our anger is directed to God for making us this way and then not accepting us.... the lies all take different forms, but they are all pretty powerful.
In my case, I tried to talk myself into being an atheist. I wasn't successful in the depths of my heart, in spite genuine effort and motivation at the time. His presence and existence are just undeniable, and was so even in my anger. So I settled for believing in Him, but refusing to worship a God that would allow such things to happen and refuse to answer such simple prayers.
What a common spiritual battle... God battles for us to really know Him. Satan battles for us to shallowly believe we already do.
I'm thankful for the story of the prodigal son. And Peter. And the sinful woman. I'm thankful I had precedence to come back after such actions.
Somewhere along the way we begin to limit our image of God to our own sense of justice and logic. No wonder we would quickly tire of worshipping Him. If He didn't call us to a greater understanding of Himself outside the perimeters of ourselves, we would most likely end up worshipping the mirror... being impressed with all the good things we could call God into action for.
But His "No's", and His delays... His permission for pain to enter our life; they all make us take a second glance at who we think He is. The doubts bring about right questions... and if hang in there and we really grapple with them, we get deeper, better, answers than the superficial ones we often satisfied ourselves with previously.
No doubt, this is a risk.
Some walk away, for a time. Some walk away forever.
But for those that grapple with it - for those that begin to understand their place in relation to Him instead of His power in relation to them...they win. He gains worshippers who truly serve Him and not an image of Him in their own mind, and they find what they had always hoped was there...
Invincible power.
Eternal love.
Presence and working in every situation.
Promises and Trust.
Peace.
Real peace.
Even when the gameboy stays lost and the daughter remains in the grave. (For now....)
I grew up learning of God. I thought I knew God was powerful. I thought I understood His love and goodness.
But in His refusal to instantly gratify some of my wants, in His willingness to tell me no, I began to understand a depth of His power and the intensity of
His love that far superseded my imagination.
And the peace I rest in daily because of that assurance is more satisfying than any artificial peace I would have created by having every whim my limited imagination could dream up answered and put into place.
God has said yes to things I never even dared to pray out of embarrassment. He has said no to things I desperately pleaded for.
And I have learned He is worthy of every last bit of praise I have to offer... everytime.
Pain in the neck. (Yep, really.)
So I woke up this morning with quite a bit of pain in my neck. ( Not proverbial.)
Our dear, wonderful friend Shawn (who's a physcial therapist) came by and worked on my head, neck and shoulders, helping immensely ( THANK YOU!) , and informed me once again that my computer and posture is the culprit behind my pain.
Somehow his suggestions for improvement evoked feelings in me much like what I imagine an addict being told about what they have to do to rehab feels like.....
But I'm still blogging for a minute.:-)
Just one more time. I can do it. It won't hurt anyone!
I'll start being better tomorrow.
Oh yeah. I do have a problem. But if admitting it is half the problem... I'll just start there tonight.
Just kidding. I'm sitting up tall, and facing the screen directly RIGHT NOW!
Our dear, wonderful friend Shawn (who's a physcial therapist) came by and worked on my head, neck and shoulders, helping immensely ( THANK YOU!) , and informed me once again that my computer and posture is the culprit behind my pain.
Somehow his suggestions for improvement evoked feelings in me much like what I imagine an addict being told about what they have to do to rehab feels like.....
But I'm still blogging for a minute.:-)
Just one more time. I can do it. It won't hurt anyone!
I'll start being better tomorrow.
Oh yeah. I do have a problem. But if admitting it is half the problem... I'll just start there tonight.
Just kidding. I'm sitting up tall, and facing the screen directly RIGHT NOW!
Monday, April 10, 2006
You know she really likes you when....
It cracks me up, but when Julia feels especially affectionate, she doesn't use the normal "I love you" or similar terms to express it.
No, instead she slides up beside you with a side hug and says to you:
"I like your shirt."
Doesn't matter what you are wearing. Doesn't matter where you are... church, in the yard, cleaning, just got done exercising, if you are mom or a stranger.
If she just feels like she likes you right then, she says it.
"I like your shirt."
And she says it so cutely, you sort of feel happy- like you really do have a nice shirt on, and are pretty special since she thinks so about you.
Oh that I could use that line with the same power & influence whenever I wanted to!
No, instead she slides up beside you with a side hug and says to you:
"I like your shirt."
Doesn't matter what you are wearing. Doesn't matter where you are... church, in the yard, cleaning, just got done exercising, if you are mom or a stranger.
If she just feels like she likes you right then, she says it.
"I like your shirt."
And she says it so cutely, you sort of feel happy- like you really do have a nice shirt on, and are pretty special since she thinks so about you.
Oh that I could use that line with the same power & influence whenever I wanted to!
Kindergarten has the best diet plan
Sitting at the table yesterday, Julia decides to assert that apple juice is her favorite drink. In typical sibling fashion, Eli decides to see if he can take issue with the appropriateness of her choice.
Eli - "I don't even know if apple juice is healthy Julia."
Me - "Well, it's not as healthy as eating an actual apple, but it's a lot healthier than a Coke."
Eli - "Yeah, Coke doesn't even have vitamins. It goes in the fats and oils, and sweets category."
Leave it to the good old food pyramid to blow my vision of my favorite drink!
Eli - "I don't even know if apple juice is healthy Julia."
Me - "Well, it's not as healthy as eating an actual apple, but it's a lot healthier than a Coke."
Eli - "Yeah, Coke doesn't even have vitamins. It goes in the fats and oils, and sweets category."
Leave it to the good old food pyramid to blow my vision of my favorite drink!
Monday, April 03, 2006
How much do we trust Him?
Been catching up on good reading lately. I have been captivated by reading the book "End of the Spear" by Steve Saint - a much more in-depth look at the story portrayed in the recent movie. It is captivating to me...and I wanted to share a little of it. At this moment, I am reading Steve's writings of the conversation with the Waodani that took place following his aunt's death, and revealing the actual details of how his father and the other 4 missionaries were killed, and by whose hand. I guess this is especially fascinating to me, because as this was occurring, I was in the same country learning the original story of what had happened as well. I'll share the parts that have impacted me the most this week.
"Several years ago, my dad's brother Sam died. His daughter told me that he wanted me to have a spear that had been found in Dad's body. She gave me several, but did not know which one it was. When I got them home and was alone, I finally looked at them closely. It was hard to do, but one of them caught my attention. The tip had broken off. I noticed a speck of white near the tip. I examined it closely and saw that it was a tiny fragment of a New Testament that had been taken from the beach. It is customary for the Waodani warriors to decorate the spears they are going to use on their enemies with something that belongs to that enemy or something that would be associated with that enemy. There was little doubt that I was actually holding the spear that took my dad's life.
....The Wadoani had one more burning question for me, and then we were all anxious to change the subject. One of the men who had not been a part of the spearing party asked me, " All the other foreigners being speared, the smallest one got to the far side of the river; what about that? What about what? I wondered. "What did he do?" I asked. Another warrior answered, "Not fleeing, he just stood their and called to us, 'We see you well; why are you spearing us? We see you well; why are you spearing us?'" ... Their question was, " Being on the far side of the river, why was he not fleeing?"
"Surely fleeing, you would have just tracked him down and speared him anyway?" I meant it as a question, but I know the Waodani are expert trackers. Even I could probably track someone wearing tennis shoes.
The Waodani said "Baa"- No. One of the warriors told me, as though he was revealing a dark secret, "When we speared, first we were furious. Then having speared, we were afraid. If he had fled just a little, surely he would have lived. "
I could see the pain on their faces. They were all wishing that at least one of the five had survived their hatred. I think they would have liked to have been able to explain to at least one of the men that they had gone to spear them because hatred was the only way they knew to live then. As Mincaye says "We acted badly, badly until they brought us God's carvings. Now, seeing His markings and following His trail, we live happily and in peace. "
(** Now I know this is long, but the following is the part I love. It carries weight because it is not a flippant, untested statement, but one rooted firmly in love and faith that has been weathered and born though the reality of pain and loss. - h )
It is only my conjecture, because none of us can know the will of God, but I think it fit God's plan that all five men died. I know that might offend some who have a narrower opinion of parameters within which God must operate, but I don't think what happened to my dad and his four friends caught God by surprise. Nor do I think God simply allowed it. No, after learning in detail what happened on January 8, 1956 - while I was so anxiously waiting to see the speck of my dad's little 56 Henry airplane appear over Penny Ridge- I believe God was much more involved in what happened than merely failing to intervene.
... If I could go back now and rewrite the script, I would not change a single scene. I have come to understand that life is too complex and much too short to let amateurs direct the story. I would rather let the Master Storyteller do the writing. I don't say that casually....
The details Steve Saint shares of the impact and results of that day are profound.
The scene John records in Revelation 6:9-11 in fresh on my mind because of a recent look at his life and writings:
"When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the alter the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the earth and avenge our blood?" Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brother who were to be killed as they had been was completed."
What I love is that the picture of God is one of patience because of His eternal vision and faithfulness. He knows of our capacity to change and turn from even the darkest lifestyle because of the power of love and faithfulness.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ( Rev. 21:4)
Gikita, the Waodani Indian who fueled and led the spearing raid on the five missionaries that day, got a taste and a glimpse of this peace & promise of God because of God's holy patience and the faithfulness of men willing to die for what they knew to be true of God. They were ready to die. The Waodani were not.
After Steve shared with Gikita the news of Rachel Saint's death, Gikita responded:
"Babae, being old I, too am soon going to die. Going to live, then, in God's place, I will wrap my arms around your father, whom I speared first. There we will live happily together."
What an amazing God we serve. What an amazing gift He offered us. What an amazing story He continues to tell the world through us, if we let Him.
"Several years ago, my dad's brother Sam died. His daughter told me that he wanted me to have a spear that had been found in Dad's body. She gave me several, but did not know which one it was. When I got them home and was alone, I finally looked at them closely. It was hard to do, but one of them caught my attention. The tip had broken off. I noticed a speck of white near the tip. I examined it closely and saw that it was a tiny fragment of a New Testament that had been taken from the beach. It is customary for the Waodani warriors to decorate the spears they are going to use on their enemies with something that belongs to that enemy or something that would be associated with that enemy. There was little doubt that I was actually holding the spear that took my dad's life.
....The Wadoani had one more burning question for me, and then we were all anxious to change the subject. One of the men who had not been a part of the spearing party asked me, " All the other foreigners being speared, the smallest one got to the far side of the river; what about that? What about what? I wondered. "What did he do?" I asked. Another warrior answered, "Not fleeing, he just stood their and called to us, 'We see you well; why are you spearing us? We see you well; why are you spearing us?'" ... Their question was, " Being on the far side of the river, why was he not fleeing?"
"Surely fleeing, you would have just tracked him down and speared him anyway?" I meant it as a question, but I know the Waodani are expert trackers. Even I could probably track someone wearing tennis shoes.
The Waodani said "Baa"- No. One of the warriors told me, as though he was revealing a dark secret, "When we speared, first we were furious. Then having speared, we were afraid. If he had fled just a little, surely he would have lived. "
I could see the pain on their faces. They were all wishing that at least one of the five had survived their hatred. I think they would have liked to have been able to explain to at least one of the men that they had gone to spear them because hatred was the only way they knew to live then. As Mincaye says "We acted badly, badly until they brought us God's carvings. Now, seeing His markings and following His trail, we live happily and in peace. "
(** Now I know this is long, but the following is the part I love. It carries weight because it is not a flippant, untested statement, but one rooted firmly in love and faith that has been weathered and born though the reality of pain and loss. - h )
It is only my conjecture, because none of us can know the will of God, but I think it fit God's plan that all five men died. I know that might offend some who have a narrower opinion of parameters within which God must operate, but I don't think what happened to my dad and his four friends caught God by surprise. Nor do I think God simply allowed it. No, after learning in detail what happened on January 8, 1956 - while I was so anxiously waiting to see the speck of my dad's little 56 Henry airplane appear over Penny Ridge- I believe God was much more involved in what happened than merely failing to intervene.
... If I could go back now and rewrite the script, I would not change a single scene. I have come to understand that life is too complex and much too short to let amateurs direct the story. I would rather let the Master Storyteller do the writing. I don't say that casually....
The details Steve Saint shares of the impact and results of that day are profound.
The scene John records in Revelation 6:9-11 in fresh on my mind because of a recent look at his life and writings:
"When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the alter the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the earth and avenge our blood?" Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brother who were to be killed as they had been was completed."
What I love is that the picture of God is one of patience because of His eternal vision and faithfulness. He knows of our capacity to change and turn from even the darkest lifestyle because of the power of love and faithfulness.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ( Rev. 21:4)
Gikita, the Waodani Indian who fueled and led the spearing raid on the five missionaries that day, got a taste and a glimpse of this peace & promise of God because of God's holy patience and the faithfulness of men willing to die for what they knew to be true of God. They were ready to die. The Waodani were not.
After Steve shared with Gikita the news of Rachel Saint's death, Gikita responded:
"Babae, being old I, too am soon going to die. Going to live, then, in God's place, I will wrap my arms around your father, whom I speared first. There we will live happily together."
What an amazing God we serve. What an amazing gift He offered us. What an amazing story He continues to tell the world through us, if we let Him.
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