Hello to whoever is left out here!
I have had to lay off of blogging, first because I have been out of town, but secondly because when I sit down to write my thoughts, I found myself getting irritated if the kids would interrupt me. Then it hit me that this was a pretty selfish & stupid move on my part. So I have done some reorganzing of time and priorities. I like keeping up with everyone this way, I just may be a bit more limited in what I say. ( Some of you are thankful!)
Well, we are back from the NACC ( which was a wonderful experience!!) and from Lubbock to see my niece! ( WOO HOO!) It was awesome. I am so thankful for the many ways God blesses us.
I just finished the book "Blue Like Jazz" last night. I'm slow on the bandwagon but I certainly know now why everyone piled on.
Donald Miller so simply and convictingly says things that were in my subconscious, that I wouldn't even allow to the front of my mind, let alone say out loud. Yet when he gave words to the depravity I struggled with within myself, I found myself relieved.
Not relieved to be this way, but relieved to not be alone and know that it is not some grand anomoly in myself. I knew that... but still wasn't quite sure that I wasn't a freak. I feel confident I am being transformed, but at times am discouraged by the pace of the transformation- as he mentions, much more like a stroll.
No doubt some of that is in fact due to my reluctance to admit how deep the problem of my selfishness and self absorption runs. I tend to want to stack up my improvements and compare them with where and how I used to be, rather than just admitting the reality that remains - speaking it out loud so as just to deal with it.
Uggghh. That book delightfully stepped all over my toes. I love God's discipline, because I really do want to be like Him. He is graceful in that He doesn't overwhelm us with the realizatoin of how depraved we are all at once - though Satan certainly tries to do that. God seems to rather reveal it incrementally - only as our awareness & understanding of His love and treasuring of us grows proportionally.
How freeing to not confuse Satan's accussation with God's conviction. They feel completely different, but I didn't always know that. They bear completely different fruit in my life as well. ( My husband is appreciative of that. :-)
Well, the refrigerator man is coming and I'm going to be ready. He wasn't happy with us last week, so he moved us off the emergency list and pushed us to this morning. ( Moving our groceries to the garbage.) We made a mistake that messed up his schedule. Though I apologized, because it was our fault, I found myself (in the 'play about me' for those who read the book...) being tense about his arrival this morning and trying to defensively anticipate how the conversation will go.
How freeing to have this stuff fresh on my mind. Jesus is a genius. Seriously.
If I can get my heart to embrace what my mind philosophically comprehends, and I can get my mouth to fall in line with my heart, then I get a little closer to tasting the freedom He always promised His truth brings.