The trouble with grace...

So my son gave me some insight today.

To lay the foundation, he had been struggling with some behaviors & making choices that resulted in me telling him he wouldn't get to go with family friends to an arcade this afternoon. This was heartbreaking because he loves the friends and loves arcade games.

We had the normal efforts at good behavior in attempts to change the decision, the apologies, the last ditch efforts to impress me... but as I sent Julia along to stay with our friends and Eli had to stay with me, it slowly sunk in that he really might not go. This led to anger, crying, etc. etc. We had a number of discussions all morning about the behavior, and he was quite aware of his struggles, so it wasn't unexpected to him, but upsetting, still.

I talked to Eli about the problem with apologies being just for the moment... just to get something you wanted. We talked about doing the right thing for the right reason = because it's right. If you were at Memorial this morning, you will remember the video shown depicting Jesus' trial and crucificion. We also talked about that.

We had already talked alot today about the scene from that movie. But it was funny, because all my lectures and discussions from this day and previous days suddenly took on a new meaning to him in light of that scene.

Me : "Eli, do you remember that scene this morning of what all those people did to Jesus?"

Eli (Still teary and sad) : "Yes."

Me: "In all that you have read of Jesus, can you think of anything He ever did to deserve that kind of treatment?"

Eli: "No."

Me: "That's right. Because He never did. But we have. And He did what He did so that we wouldn't have to recieve such treatment for our wrongs - He took the punishments He didn't deserve so that we would never have to take the ones we did deserve. (There was a long pause as he listened and I tried to formulate my thoughts here...)
Eli... that's why we do what's right. Because of what He did that day. Not because if we do the right thing we'll get to go to an arcade with friends. Not because we might have more people like us if we do. Not even because Mom and Dad tell you to do it. We do it because we love Jesus and what he did that day for us so much.


At this point Eli hugged me, and I hugged him.
And then I whispered in his ear that he could go with his friends to the arcade.

Much to my surprise, he began crying again, harder than he had been up to that point. He said in his teary voice... "Mom, I don't deserve to go."

I quietly responded, "You're right. You don't deserve at all to go, today. But this is what grace is."

Eli then said, even more remorsefully, "I don't want grace. I don't want to hurt you."

I hugged him tightly, and said " I sure understand that. But that's why we love grace."
He was smiling and packing up to go in the next few minutes.... and exceptionally sensitive as he left.

****

What got me about this conversation is that he voiced at 7 what I still struggle with at times at 32. I've said before that I am a recovering perfectionist. (Not that I was ever that good at being one.) I think I have come along way... but I know exactly how he feels.

Someone once described mercy as not getting what you deserve, and grace meaning that you get something you never deserved. Mercy always seemed a little easier to give and recieve. Grace, by comparison, never makes sense.

The trouble with grace is that you can't really accept it without accepting a lot of truths about yourself. And we spend a good bit of our lives trying to protect ourselves from those truths.

Grace makes us acknowledge what we don't have a right too.
Grace makes us acknowledge what we haven't earned.
Grace makes us admit what we can never live up to.

Grace makes us uncomfortable.

And if we can get over ourselves enough to get past all of that, grace becomes not that which we are uncomfortable with .... but that which we are desperate for and passionate about.

It's sad to admit that there was a time when I scoffed at grace in my heart. I was trying to do everything right - and figured everyone else should too. And if we were giving it our best... we wouldn't really need grace. Grace was for lazy people. But I lied to myself the whole time.

What I realize about grace is what Paul said all along... it doesn't cause us to sin more...if we let it, it frees us to admit what we always knew about ourselves but felt we couldn't let anyone else know. It allows us to live in HIS victory... it frees us from the ups and downs of our own inconsistency. This doesn't cause us to sin more... but fills us with joy and freedom that becomes a bigger motivator in despising sin than our fear ever did.

And as I still journey to understand the depths of that concept... so my son begins.

Thank you, God... for your Grace that is Jesus.

When cheating is downright cute...

Su - glad you deleted yourself. Maybe we can both write "delayed" on our on foreheads....:-)Glad to catch up!

****

So each week, my son has spelling words. A new addition to the homework during the second half of school is that he is to write a sentence for each word in prep for the test. This is still a recent addition he's getting used too. And he doesn't always make transitions or changes quickly.

He was close to being done with everything else tonight... and then we reminded him to write his sentences. I copied his words for him, and sat him down at the table with a piece of paper to begin working on it.

His words were:

or
fork
torn
short
for
born

He was done unusally quick, and when he handed the paper to me, this was what he had come up with:


Do you like me or a fork that was torn, (it was short). I got it for being born.


Jason and I laughed so hard he initally got mad at us until we explained how impressed we were with his creativity. I told him in the future he would have to do it differently, but this time... it was worth it to send it that way. :-)

A little more catching up!

Oops ! Susan ...come back! I accidently deleted you! :-)

Well - AIM-a-palooza '07 (did I spell that right Tim? ) is official... all Ex Aimers are welcome. So if you're an ex-aimer, and in Tulsa on Friday night of Workshop - plan to come by our house after the keynote speaker. I'll provide the drinks, and apparently the nachos. :-) It will be fun!

Dusty... I'm a loser, and have been out of the blogging pocket for two weeks so I'm just now catching up - including getting informed on your nomination. Sorry! ( And thanks for the title...)
We may have to talk more about that....

I've spent the last two weeks taking a disaster preparedness course in my extra time... and it was , humbling, intimidating, interesting and fun! So I'm up to speed now.. if any of you have acts of terrorism, natural disasters, earthquakes, need triaged ( sorry - can't do CPR but I can write "Immediate" ,"Delayed" ,or "Dead" on your forehead for sorting purposes...) - or all of the above, I'm your girl. :-) Our final test in a couple of weeks is a four hour disaster simulation drill complete with victims, fake injuries, etc. .
In all seriousness, an emergency at church the other day drove home the need for even basic skills to be a part of how we serve people... which I lack in areas, and I'm hoping (in a conservative sense of 'hope') that this will be made useful at the right time....

On a funny Julia note....

We were leaving the house on Saturday to go to lunch and return a borrowed car to a friend on the way. I had asked Jason not to forget me so I wouldn't get lost, but somewhere in the conversation we also discussed needing to fill up the borrowed car with gas... which he went on ahead of us to do. So when I came out and got in the car, I said out loud to my mom who was with us, "Oh - I guess Jason went ahead a left me. Well, I think I can get there."

Julia pipes up with her opinion from the backseat. "Daddy made a bad choice."

I said, "Jules, I don't think Daddy made a bad choice - we just didn't communicate clearly to each other, and so we got mixed up. It's okay."

Julia repeated herself. "Daddy made a bad choice." I explained again that this wasn't a bad choice... just a misunderstanding. At which point she corrected me as well by saying:

"No - Ms. Patti at school told us about the ten commandments. And one of them says "Don't leave your wife."

Now, I might just have to use that interpretation again sometime.....

Vocabulary Lessons

Julia, early this morning, informs me of the following:

"Mom - I know what 'Ahhhmen' means. " (Not sure where she heard it pronounced like that, but....)

Me - "Yeah? What." (Thinking of the few definitions I have heard before and wondering which she heard and from where.)

Julia "It means AAAmen."

:-)

By a lucky fluke I could successfully sign into my blog this morning. Haven't had time or luck previously.. so hopefully I will be back in to post some more later!

The Cross - What's "in" it for you?

I still intend, when time allows, to post some more on Asperger's. In the mean time, however, I wanted to share a small part in the book "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell.
This book challenges me...- a good challenge. I love this quote and thought if I wasn't going to post anything new, I'd at least give you a taste of what I'm reading in the absence of writing!

***
"To say that salvation is holistic is to acknowledge that there are many dimensions to living in harmony with God. In one sense, salvation is a legal transaction. Humans are guilty because of our sin, and God is the judge who has to deal with our sin because He is holy and any act of sin goes against His core nature. He has to deal with it. Enter Jesus, who dies on the cross in our place. Jesus gets what we deserve; we get what Jesus deserved.
For Jesus, however, salvation is far more. It includes this understanding, but it is far more comprehensive - it is a way of life. ....

When we understand salvation from a legal-transaction perspective, then the point of the cross becomes what it has done for us. There is the once-and-for-all work of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and saying, "It is finished." Nothing more to be offered and nothing more to be sacrificed. All has been forgiven. But let's also use a slightly different phrase: the work of the cross in us. ....There is the ongoing need to return to the cross to be reminded of our brokeness and dependence on God. There is the healing we need from the cross every single day.

Which leads to forgiveness. The point of the cross isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to something much bigger; restoration. God isn't just interested in the covering over of our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what's being held against us; it is God pulling us into the poeple He originally had in mind when He made us. ...The goal here isn't simply to not sin. Our purpose is to increase the shalom in this world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail. They aim at the wrong thing. It is not about what you don't do. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created.

It is one thing to be forgiven; it is another to become more and more and more and more the person God made you to be."

***

Are there any areas in your life in which you have just settled for "not sinning"?

Is there unwholeness in you that you don't let Him at because you unconsciously relegated Him to handling the 'sin' issue, and with that out of the way, you told yourself the rest was on your own plate to deal with?

Do you ever have a hard time letting God be sovereign over all of you - not just your salvation?


Rob Bell ends the section with this powerful quote:

"It is one thing to be saved.... It is another to be healed. It is possible to be saved and miserable. It is possible to be saved and not be a healthy, whole, life-giving person. It is possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them."


- One thing I am thankful for and dependent on this week is that the cross continues to deliver ...not just a covering of my guilt, but a changing of me.

Asperger's Journey - the here and now.

It's funny... I feel like I should be posting some "conclusion" tonight.... but the reality is this is all just beginning. I realize the vulnerability for me in writing is that I'm liable to post something tonight and come back in a year and say "Oh - by the way I got that wrong...". I hate being wrong. I like having stuff figured out. Yet I feel fairly sure that the mystery behind Eli's mind is the blessing .... the dependence on God it demands... the humility it breeds in me personally. So I'll wrap up the "today" part of our personal story... and share some general things we've learned in another post or two.

We're in first grade now. Cindy, the wonderful kindergarten teacher and now dear family friend, has moved up to first grade with Eli, and plans are to move to second grade as well. I've swallowed hard and stared into space trying to somehow come up with adequate words to say what that means to us.

Oh... the genuine regret my heart now holds before God that I doubted for those days between finding out where he would go to school and actually meeting her.

Jason said, after reading the previous post, that he had forgotten how hard the years before kindergarten had become. In fact, reading it brought up again some of the unsettling anger and frustration. We’ve been free from most of that over the last two years.

This borders sounding dramatic, and I don't want it to, but I share it because it is the picture that comes to my mind. Having someone who is invested in your child... who cares about them and tries to really help, feels like a respite from war.

It's not always simple or easy to interact with kids with on the Autism Spectrum. The very word “Autism” refers to “self” … meaning one is more connected and interested in what is in their own mind than in the world around them. You’ll hear people refer to kids on the spectrum as “high functioning” or “low functioning” - In my simplistic understanding… I look at the spectrum through that lens… kids have varying degrees and abilities to get “outside” of themselves to interact with the world around them. And that’s on a good day.
Asperger’s carries with it the unique quality of sometimes being quite verbal…so you can have a child who on one hand can use words you yourself don’t know how to spell, and yet that same child can be completely clueless about the simplest manners or appropriate social interactions. They can blow your mind with an adult- like discussion over a topic of interest and the next minute be throwing a screaming fit like a two year old over just a funny feeling tag in their shirt. That can make interactions a little awkward. 


The simplest keys, at least that I’ve seen so far… are education, and caring.

Cindy, simply because of her daily interaction with Eli, has made the most dramatic difference in Eli. Her education and compassion has helped even us as his parents get to know him better. But others, especially in our church family have too. Becky teaches our Bible hour, - and lets him sit on a chair when the others have to sit on the floor. Johnny and Paula took on teaching two quarters of the kindergarten class… and instantly became Eli’s favorite teachers … because they listened to him. When they taught… he wanted to head straight to class. ( And we usually were at least 30 minutes early.) I know what they endured… countless conversations about this video game or that.:-) I have a lump in my throat as I think of their beautiful, not tired- smiles when I would pick him up. They still stop him and ask him questions…. and he always immediately looks them in the eye… because he knows they are looking right back at him, and not past him. Doug, Ron, Michelle, Carrie, Shawn, Keith A., Keith & Ronda, Linda… all people who have that knack for intentionally breaking past the barrier of talking ‘about’ and instead talking ‘to’ him.
Mark, Jennifer, Shon and Stacey have shared almost every Monday night for the last two or three years with our family. They’ve seen our meltdowns… our exasperated and embarrassing moments… and yet let us come back every week.  They’ve listened to me brag on Eli one moment only to watch him be taken out of the restaurant throwing a fit the next. They have allowed the good and bad of an almost sibling-like relationship to develop among our kids, which blesses me beyond belief. They had to be bold and assertive to make that happen. There was a time when I had basically didn’t want to be around people for very long… the “me” that wanted our family to look “put together” had to sometimes make visits with others short and sweet. I’m growing up a little more, - but it’s still a struggle.

I’m learning it’s not just me, however. I’m no longer surprised when I learn families don’t want to go to church with their kids and certainly don’t want to be a part of small groups. One mom I know… couldn’t remember the last time she’d been “out” with her family. That’s just something they don’t do anymore. ( And her kids are still in elementary school.) It’s too unpredictable. It’s safer to just “order in” pizza. It’s easier to be in your own house.

I can remember one time a friend asked Eli to spend the night with her kids. She knew he had some special needs, but reassured me she wanted him to come. Her kids had spent the night at my house. But him going somewhere else was a new thing. A thing I’d managed to avoid for a while. ( I’d contemplated telling Eli other people didn’t have houses… but he was too smart for that one.)

I felt simultaneously thrilled and sick to my stomach.

I remember the next day seeing him and asking how the night went. She said with only a moment’s hesitation, that it was good, - there were a few things they wanted to talk to us about, but it was good and they wanted to do it again sometime. I heard what she said,….. but felt like running away. I didn’t want to have any ‘conversation’ about it. In my mind… if it had gone bad, we’d just avoid it in the future. Because I didn’t know what else to do – and I didn’t want anybody to ask me or “talk” to me about it. .

That evening… we did get together. I dreaded it all day but sucked it up and got ready, (in my mind), for a rebuke. For a reminder (once again) of my inadequate parenting. For a fresh vision of how I was doing nothing to help Eli succeed even in the most basic things in life – like a sleepover.

It was a heartbreaking conversation… though not in the way I thought it would go. She wanted to know what they could do to help. When they encountered something they knew wasn’t acceptable to us or to them, how did we want them to address it? What did he respond to? What would make sense to him? There was never a question about “if “ they would address it. It might be difficult… but they weren’t checking out on us. It wasn’t accusing, as if to say “Are YOU addressing this?” It was just what she said it was. What can we do to help? The question carried an assumption of relationship. -And an assumption of the longevity of that relationship.

My defensive posture went to an uncomfortable “broken” posture. I stood in her laundry room that night a bit of a broken mess… crying, learning, explaining, and in doing so reservedly inviting one more person into my vulnerable world of not having it all figured out. My suspicious, defensive, tired, protective and private self backed off for a few moments to let someone else who was assertive enough in to love all of us on an intimate level. It’s a workout. For all involved.

But its worth it…… in so many ways.

… to learn all the lies you tell yourself about having life figured out in a nice neat package are just that…lies.
… to find the depth and good in people…. who know more than you and have much to offer you
….to find the depth and good in people…. who don’t know much but genuinely want to learn alongside you…
… to find the depth and good in people…. who don’t know much and don’t seem to care…. Just like I didn’t at
one time….

It’s worth it…
… to let people experience the joy I do from seeing life through a completely unpredictable lens like Eli does…
….to get the awesomeness that the God who “knit this child in my womb” and “numbers the hairs on his head” intends for him to bring richness that steps beyond the richness ‘normal’ brings.
….to find that the unknown isn’t so unknown to the God who walks you there… and that the journey isn’t made easier by knowing what you don’t know … or having what you don’t have, but by trusting that He equips you for all you need to know and have at the very moment you are living right now….

Intermission

I continue to be so incredibly humbled by your words and your encouragement. Thank you - you are part of why I consider our lives so rich.

I sat down last night to take care of normal business like bills and homework so I could post again tonight a little more to our journey, and where we are today. However, just to be honest, God is really working on me this week in some other unrelated areas - and I'm worn out, in a good way. So I'll try and pick up tomorrow...if He desires it.:-)

Jacob's dream has made more sense to me this week in a personal way than I think I've ever experienced before. I get how it is difficult to wrestle with God. I get how he walked away wounded. And I get walking away from the experience saying "Surely God is in this place." Limping... but more faithful and convicted than when you were whole.

I attended a funeral today of a man I wish I knew. And in a way only God can work, I do. Paul said all things are ours... the memories and love others had for him first hand find their way into my heart too, even if only as they are shared. I may have missed out on a personal conversation or a meeting... but the kingdom he impacted is the one I'm in too - his life is my victory, though it seems weird to say that. It's amazing how in death, God speaks through your life to people you never even met. Adam Langford spoke to mine, and it was bold and powerful - inspiring and convicting, and humbling.

I watched my son today... the young man in the casket was only about 27 or so.
I couldn't help thinking about his mom, and then personalizing the thoughts and feelings. While it would rip my heart out, I would be thrilled if my kids rose above the status quo of life to live unsafely because they are in love with the gospel of Jesus. The service managed to bridge the gap between heavenly welcoming and physical parting better than I have ever experienced before.

All that to say... the normal organized me would keep on track and post a follow up from last night. The the other me is accepting God's detour and going to pray and continue to wrestle with all He is trying to say to me tonight on other subjects.

Just didn't want to not explain where I went.:-) And boy, I love you guys. I mean it when I say I consider myself rich from the blessing God brings us through you. Thank you for being amazing... and letting me in on the blessing of it.

Asperger's Journey - Continued

Wow. You guys are humbling. Thank you for your encouragement. Funny how things never happen the way you think they will. I figured this would be where most would check out for a few weeks. So thank you, for all that you said. It really really touched and surprised me. :-)

And how about Friday night of workshop?.. AIM reunion at our house after the evening speaker? I'll provide a big room and refreshments. Spread the word. :-)

***
Continuing the journey....

So within about 6 months, we learned that not only regular schools, but preschools and daycares weren’t always geared towards kids who “think” like Eli did, either.

He did okay with some things. But he wouldn’t finger paint. (Or do anything messy.) This never changed until we met his present teacher,Cindy.
I can remember one day at preschool he was in trouble because he refused to participate in a class activity that involved getting height and weight, and he didn’t want to step on the scale. He threw a fit. He appeared obstinate – even at 3, over ridiculous things. ( I later learned he was scared of the blinking red numbers on the scale.) Incident after incident left us confused about what was going on in his mind and why he would be so difficult. Desires to want to parent better so he wouldn’t be in trouble all the time just exasperated the process, b/c we didn’t understand what motivated the behavior in the first place. Counseling, therapy, testing…. Countless appointments and no real certain answers. As a few more years went by, his struggles got worse, adding aggression to others into the mix, and by age five he began to struggle with depression. He was smart and sensitive enough to know he wanted to be accepted, and yet struggled with enough issues that he recognized he was always in trouble and wasn’t accepted, by friends or teachers for the most part.

I can remember Eli coming home and sharing that he really would rather just go to heaven than be alive. I loved that he loved Heaven. I hated that at five he already hated life. That was the hardest year, so far. Because I couldn’t fix it.

On the flip side, teaching for a year blessed me with sympathy for teachers. It is difficult to have kids with special needs in a classroom of 15 or 20. And even harder when you or the parents aren’t even sure what you’re dealing with. Behavior just keeps you from teaching regardless of why. Your not a therapist, or a doctor. And it’s easy to wonder if the parents are being parents. I keep that year in mind often.

We began Kindergarten, transferring into a school across town. This was an amazing story of God – because we prayed about this, and it was the last school on my list of choices….but God had lined us up exactly where we needed to be. I just didn’t know why, yet.

Up until that point, I didn’t tell teachers at first that there was a problem with Eli. Mostly, because I didn’t know what the problem was. I kept thinking “Maybe they won’t notice this year….”. I genuinely hoped that.
But, I gave that up for kindergarten. When we went to meet his teacher, I took a letter and handed it off at the last minute before we left. I was scared. And embarrassed. I didn’t know what she would think. And I was depressed before we even started the year. But I knew I had to tell her the year would be difficult. I wanted to let her know the little I knew in hopes of helping him some. I hoped, but wasn’t sure she would care. It wasn't the start I had always imagined.

We walked out of the room after meeting her before school began and made it halfway down the hall. Suddenly his teacher came back out the door, holding the open letter. I don’t know how she’d already read it, honestly. But she stopped us. And she told me that she’d written letters like that herself for years on behalf of her own son, who struggled with similar issues. She had taught special need students for years, and began naming some things she thought we could try to start with. And I can’t remember what else she said after that, because at that moment I was too overwhelmed in the realization of why God had us walk through that door to meet her. And I hugged her. Well, in my memory, I embraced that woman, and I remember walking away hoping that display of emotion wasn’t too overwhelming. But I had hope again. That God had a plan. That He hadn’t walked away. I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit my days of not being sure about that. But in that moment, I stood humbled and repentant and thrilled and floored.

And so began a relationship that would turn Eli’s world around in this area. The next two years would be a whirlwind of progress and education. And friendship. And hope.

God is good. He can move people all over the globe at just the right time. And one person, in the right place at the right time, really can make a difference in the lives of many....

The Autism Spectrum & Asperger’s ….. You’re affected.

First of all - Heather and Flee - how fun! You made my day. It's so great to hear from you! Heather - your family is beautiful! I look forward to catching up, and seeing how wonderfully our God is at work in your life. And Flee - if you come in March, I would love to hang out! In fact... Jason and I are thinking of having a good old fashioned AIM night at our house one of the nights... just singing, and chatting and catching up. That would be a highlight for me. :-)

*****

I'm finally keeping my word on a few posts to share about Asperger's Syndrome.
I’ve procrastinated for a while in writing this, partly because of the time it would require, but partly because of the emotion it would require. But I’m up for the task this week, so I figure it’s a good time to start.

This isn’t the normal type of writing I do. But I’m writing on this subject because if you know us, and spend any time with our family, then it’s a worthwhile investment for me to share some of what we’ve learned… if you are up for it too.
Our son, Eli, has Asperger's. It's hard to write that. He doesn't really know, so if you talk to him, please don't mention it. ( That sounds hillarious as I write it out!) But it's amazing that you can live with it and not really get it. And I'm fine with that. I asked recently at a seminar when it's best to tell your child... and it was recommended that you wait until they ask you, which makes sense. So we are.

And if you don’t know us and just happen to stroll through, odds are you know someone on the autism spectrum and may not even know it.

That’s a good place to start, I think. When trying to comprehend autism, it’s probably more helpful to refer to the “Autism Spectrum” - because there is a wide range of what autism looks and functions like in the people who have it. If you go to Memorial, you will encounter multiple people on "the spectrum", adults and kids alike. Most people, when they hear autism, initially think of the movie Rainman. In fact, that was the place Jason and I began our introduction to it too. Rainman was on the "spectrum" for sure. But Bill Gates demonstrates traits of someone with Aspergers (on the spectrum) as well. It's a big range!

I'll start with our personal story.
When Eli was two, he was a funny combination of incredibly smart and oddly quirky. He began speaking early and even exhibited early reading skills without help… it seemed like he was just wired to get words and numbers. He didn’t like snow…or for towels to hang unevenly, or for the microwave clock to be left “blinking”.
When it’s the first child you have raised… everything is new… - so who knows what is normal and what’s not? You just know “wonderful.” And we did.

However, things did happen that made me think something was different. One incident that was memorable happened when he was two. We had an “Upwards” game board that he loved to play with. ( A game much like Scrabble, but with extra letter tiles that you could stack on top of each other and change words by building up as well as on to other words.) Eli loved playing with the pieces of that game. But one day he was especially distressed. A tile was missing. He’d looked all over for it. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember for sure how he knew one was gone, except that the board was big enough that I think for all the tiles to fit on to it & he was short one.
As I said, he was really upset about the missing tile. We looked for it, and couldn’t find it. He said, “Momma, I think it’s the E” that’s missing.
I thought that was funny, because there are tons of alphabet tiles in that game. And yet, I’d experienced enough oddball things with him that I tucked it away mentally. We never found the tile.

Until a few months later. He had turned three, and I was cleaning out his toy box to make room for news gifts received on his birthday. As I dumped out the contents of that box, there at the bottom of it was the tile.
An E.

I’m not an idiot and I get coincidences. I knew, though I didn’t know how it could be, that this was not one. I called Jason, because I was genuinely freaked out. He came home from work. I can remember stepping out in the garage and explaining to him what had happened. We both just looked in the screen door to the room where Eli sat innocently watching a movie. I remember looking at him like he was the kid from the movie “Sixth Sense.” I felt guilty and scared and not sure of what to do with that.

We called his pediatrician and made an appointment. As I explained the things we’d experienced and the incident of the “E”… I referenced the movie Rainman. That moment is frozen in my head.

We had an amazing pediatrician, who reassured me that Eli was not a Savant, as the movie depicted. But he did let us know that we would deal with “this” more and more, and especially as Eli began school. “Schools aren’t really designed for kids that think like he does… but you can cross that bridge when you get there,” he said.

What is the "this" he referred to, I wondered? How exactly does he “think”? I can remember wanting to know more, and knowing the doctor wasn't going to offer more at the time. Why would school be a problem for a kid that can remember a ton of alphabet tiles and know exactly which one is missing at age two?!? Seriously? (I was thinking we should call Oprah too!!)

And yet, I was thankful that he wasn’t Rainman. And we had a few years before school would begin, so I thought I would do exactly what he said… and put it out of my mind.

And I did, for about 6 more months. But I'll stop there for tonight.

(And I WON'T take 6 months for the next post, I promise.) :-)

Take a moment

Please read Clint's writings on Moses Kimeze,who was killed this week in Uganda.

I never knew Moses. I wish I would have had the honor. I now genuinely look forward to the day I do meet him...

Kids and colds

Michelle - Would LOVE to get together with you! We miss you - and were just talking about you last night! So PLEASE tell us when you're in town! woo hoo!

Ang- I love that God does this between us! I look forward to learning from Him in you as you read!

So my kiddos are home tonight with coughs and runny noses. The kind that make you hurt to look at them. I actually found Eli in the bathroom looking for medicine I could give him. That's a first, b/c it all tastes nasty.

And Julia gave a new description to fever and chills that I thought was great. I laid her in bed and she said:
"Momma, I feel like a snowman,.... that's melting..."

She looked like it too. :-)

I got tagged!

Thanks Dusty! As silly as it is... I've always wanted to be tagged! (Theresa was working on it but is busy being an auntie this week!) And thanks Jeanne and Angie.... for getting me off my unblogging kiester with encouragement as well. :-)

Brandon - WELCOME BACK!! Missed you, man!

I have LOVED being snowed in here in Tulsa~! I'd have much to catch up on... BUT I'm almost all caught up with everything else around my house! That's what 7 uninterrupted days do for me!!

Jeanne- glad you loved the book! (The Cross Examination of Oliver Finney) ! Now you don't have to take my word for it .... take Jeanne's !

And check out the video of Cindy's son sledding on ice up in Owasso. (In their BACK YARD! Seriously fun... and a long ride!!

Okay, Dusty tagged me, so here goes:

Here is how it works:
1) Grab the book closest to you
2) Open to page 123, go down to the fourth sentence
3) Post the text of the following three sentences
4) Name the author and book title
5) Tag three people to do the same


Here's the quote:
"Further, God sees great advantage in awaiting our cry because He is unequivocally driven by relationship. Throughout your ascent out of that pit, never lose sight of the fact that God will forever be more interested in you knowing your Healer than experiencing His healing, and knowing your Deliverer than knowing your deliverance. The King of all creation wants to reveal Himself to you."

- Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit -Straight Talk about God's Deliverance

I'm not even that far into the book, but I love it already, and God has grown me much through her writings. When this title came out, I was excited to tackle it because it touches on areas I struggle with... doing well for a while, then 'cycling' through periods of disconnectedness, or confusion... And wondering why? and if I will ever grow up enough that it will stop? So I'm learning a little more about that through lives of Godly people who've found themselves feeling the same way.

I'm not far into it yet, but already identify with the concept that sometimes we're surprised to find ourselves in a pit, and other times we try to convince ourselves we're not even in a pit by just decorating it nicely and making it feel homey... but all the while feeling disatisfied. Sometimes we are thrown into a pit innocently, (like Joseph) and sometimes we dig ourselves into it. Beth does a good job a journeying through the biblical examples of pits, and what they teach us about our God.

I love learning from those who've been there before, don't you?

Had lunch with wise, relaxed friend who has lived the uptightness I try to at times and walked away from it. It's great being given permission to walk away from it too. I'm learning, little by little. Eventually, learning becomes doing.


So, who do I get to tag?
Cindy, Jeanne (since you both have so much time on your hands this week....) and Brenda,(my dear friend who needs something fun and cheery to do while recovering! (And Abbey..... who ISN'T in Paris anymore and needs to admit it to the rest of the world by UPDATING! LOL)

I'm off to watch the Weather Channel talk about more snow!!!!!!!!!!

Shane..... (feel the glare....) If you didn't crack me up so much......

Cindy... remember now, you were the one who sent me home with Marshmallows last year.... veggies are not an option. :-)

Jeanne - thanks for that verse. I may paint it on the wall... it speaks what I need before me daily. Thank you! Glad you love the book! We'll have to trade when you're done!

A few more cute ones from Julia today:

Julia and Jason were sitting together and he was commenting on her hand laying in his:

Jason : "Julia, who has littler fingers?"
Julia: " Me."
Jason: "Who has bigger fingers? "
Julia (slyly): Me.
Jason: "Who has the prettiest fingers?"
Julia: "Me."
Jason: "Whose not going to use their fingers to pick their nose anymore?"
Julia: (Without missing a beat..) "YOU."
****

And this one, came after nap time, when she likes to change her clothes. I don't like her to do this, since it just makes for more laundry....
"Momma, I changed my pants because I like these Disney Princess pants better than the others. But I like Jesus the mostest!"
Who can argue with that? I already have sympathy for any future son-in-law.

****

An update on Whit and Adrienne, for family and friends that have been praying but aren't on our church email list...
Today, a surgeon who had not seen Ben before came in to evaluate him and do a bronchoscopy, which involved sending a camera in to evaluate his anatomy. Upon doing so, the doctor encountered a large cyst blocking the tube, so much so that he couldn't finish the procedure. This is in fact potentially exciting news, because he believes, based on other observations he's made, that this could in fact be the problem rather than a tube defect. An MRI will let them know if Ben's tubes are properly formed for sure, but this means in fact that he can be moved and an MRI can be performed. The surgeon has removed cysts like this before, whereas he had not performed the type of surgery they had suspected Ben would need.

Overall, Ben's situation is still critical, but less so. They actually moved him slightly today - Adrienne briefly held him up while they changed out his bedding, they got to give him kisses, etc.
And today, for the first time, the doctors actually talked about a time they might bring him home - and I understood that noone had talked about that potential before today. She said that they have praised God all along, but especially want everyone to join them in praising God for this hopeful news delivered today. It is a true gift!

And so is this family, to us. :-)

Well - John and Jeanne love the books they won... so if you haven't started reading the books, you no longer have to settle for just my opinion!!

On a funny note (which we are never short of around here) Julia entertained us well tonight.
We had a meal following our small group bible study. I had made a big pot of chicken noodle soup... and one of the younger girls, Carolyn, was adding some hot sauce to hers when Julia walked by and saw what she was doing.

"Don't use that all up, " said Julia.

Why?" asked Carolyn.

"Because we have to use that for me when I pick my nose and eat it." said Julia.


I don't know which was funnier: that she shared our discipline techniques on her own embarrasing habits, or that she actually wanted the hot sauce preserved in case she needed it again. :-) She'll appreciate that when she's 20.


BTW, I was not in time out, I was exasperated, COMMA...... however, Shane, you are in a blogging time out, Mr. Funny Man.

On a serious note, this weeks resolution is to stop saying "no" to things I think are impossible, and to stop saying "yes" just because something is possible. I really want to let God lead and to disconnect from the me that feels pretty competent at doing life on my own. I want to let thoughts of how I just messed something up go... I want to embrace the Spirit led thoughts that cross my heart but normally get pushed out by the fears of my flesh.

This resolution really began in the form of a prayer, last week. It's shocking, when you pray sincerely and desperately, and God begins to answer. He is peeling away layers in me this week that are both terrifying and energizing. Funny how going where you want to go can feel so uncomfortable. I

I love YODA

This morning I got up to exercise. I exercise in the living room, and in the past, the kids have been so fascinated by this obscene ritual that I rarely get to finish if I start after they are awake. The last interruption resulted in an exasperated mom and two kids sitting in time out in their bedrooms for five minutes. (And I only exercise for 20 minutes in the first place!)

So this morning, as I got ready to begin, I asked the kids if they would entertain themselves so I could have some time to do this in peace.

Remembering the last episode, Eli confidently and emphatically said "YES! We will do it!

Julia said sweetly (and honestly) "We will try!"

Eli said: "No! We will do it!"

Julia said: "Well.... we will try to do it!"

Eli looked at Julia very seriously and said "Julia: 'Do or do not. There is no try'."

I like that he gets the "let your yes be yes concept" from Yoda.

Whit, Adrienne and Ben

Whit and Adrienne have a blog now at which you can follow some of all that is happening with the birth of Ben. You can click on Whit's link below on the right or go to www.seekthefather.blogspot.com

Please don't leave the site without praying for this precious couple, and for Ben. I'm continually inspired by their courage and faith. They have a relationship with God that walks daily through the unknown more gracefully than they would ever believe about themselves. And Ben's fragile little life has already captured our hearts. Thanks for sharing this journey with them.

Congratulations!

Congrats to Jeanne, Lisa, Briley, Cindy, Brenda and John! One of the books will be on their way to you ASAP! (And you can trade with each other if you want to read the other one!)

More importantly, thank you so much for sharing! I think one of my favorite things about a blog is getting to have a personal, intimate conversation though we might never be in the same room at the same time. ( And for all of us, that is really rare!) Thanks for sharing your heart and your life. Each of you are so uniquely fun and amazing - I feel so blessed beyond belief around each of you. Thank you!

Doing it Wrong, Doing it right... Just doing it.

Tonight, Jason was searching all over the house for Eli as we were trying to get the kids ready for bed.

He finally found him in our master bathroom, sitting on the toilet reading my book "What Good Parents Have in Common."

As if that sight weren't funny enough, when he walked in, Eli looked up and said "Dad, I'm reading some of the stuff you're doing wrong."

Jason quickly backed out the door to laugh before hustling him on to bed.

****

I had given up, but Dusty inspired me to think about New Year's resolutions. I have decided to make resolutions week by week. That is my resolution... to set a weekly goal and accomplish it. Ultimately, I want to develop more self discipline, so it can be applied in numerous ways.

This weeks: to begin exercising again. And I started this morning. My goal is to get in three times this week.

****

Some friends this week, are experiencing joy and sorrow at the birth of their baby boy who's future is uncertain at the moment. I stand continually amazed at how God continues to minister to Jason and I as well, through a family here at Memorial that loves them and supports them intensely during this time. His people in this place love amazingly. It grows me up daily.

***

I shared a while back about two books that I loved reading...The Cross Examination of Jesus Christ and The Cross Examination of Oliver Finney. Thanks to my wonderful and generous friend Stu, at Waterbrook Press... I have some copies to send to the first few people who would like to share a resolution they have made about their walk with God this year.
(Since I can't just expect some people to begin commenting after I took two weeks off, I'm hoping bribery will work....) :-)

I am reading a Beth Moore book, "Believing God". It's a look not just at believing in God, but actually believing God.
In studying some of the promises we as children are to take to heart, I found this quote:
"God promised us a place we could live. God didn't promise the children of Israel a place they could visit. He promised them a place they could settle and dwell in blessing. A land they could possess. A place they could find Sabbath rest. According to John 15, New Testament believers have likewise been called to a place of abiding. Living. Dwelling. I finally came to a point in my Christian walk where I grew bone weary of inconsistency being my only constant. Occasional wisps of authentic spiritual living only multiplied my frustrations. I then knew a place of fullness and effectiveness in Christ existed, but at best I was a drop-in. My soul needed a place it could live. I longed for my defeats to be infrequent visitations, not my victories. .....It's high time we stopped dropping in, and started taking up residency."

That best describes my own hope and desire for growth in Him this year. I'm thankful for those who share what they've learned on their journey that leads me a little further along myself.

If there's a bad smell in your neighborhood, it's coming from our house....

I just burnt a bag a popcorn, and now our house stinks and our microwave is permanently discolored.
Sadly, this isn't the first time I've done it. I've stunk up two different offices before by my popcorn burning abilites, even attracting the attention of the hospital President who worked at the hospital adjacent to the medical office building I worked at in Lubbock. (I'd never met him before until rumor of the incident somehow made it's way to his lofty office and he decided to stop by and bring me some already popped popcorn on behalf of the hospital.) He introduced himself by saying "I was driving along 4th street and could smell something awful...."
I was mortified. Smoke had filled the office full of already nauseous pregnant women, prompting employees from the floor above to come down and see if a fire had broken out. Our office microwave leaked black syrup for the next few months when you used it.

It's a sad little skill I have.

We've had the doors and windows open for an hour now, and I couldn't even put the bag of black goo in the trash can in the garage. I had to lay it in the driveway and shut the garage door. Hope no racoons die trying to get to it.

Movies and, well, chocolate, anyone?








In other news, I thought I would catch up on some cool pictures!

Here's our knockout "Christmas Queen". This picture scared us.


Our favorite teacher EVER comes to Eli's first Christmas program at church. He was a narrator, and we were proud!




Julia and our first snowman of the year. She was quite close to him. As the days got warmer, his head was the first to go, slowly lowering the hat day by day to his torso, and then to the ground. She was sad. But he was fun while he lasted!




I guess that's all for tonight.

It still stinks here, so I'm headed to the back of the house. Good night!

Merry Christmas!

Well, Dusty kindly reminded me today that my two weeks is up. (And then added that whatever would be written after such a sabbatical should be especially good.) I don't know that I will measure up, or in reality that I ever have... but my kids give me great stuff to share, and I've been tucking the encounters away... so I'll jump back in. I was able to take a needed break from updating, but I had to keep checking everyone else's posts. I love this realm!!... and the connections it provides. What a blessing! Hope you all had a merry Christmas!

Christmas morning was wonderful. To be honest, I had been caught up in the seasonal stress that I didn't need to be, and was dreading it. I never thought I'd feel that way, but I felt like what I was giving wasn't going to be that good and I still had gone over budget to do it! Details and busy-ness had worn me down, and I'm embarrassed to say, but I was just tired and had lost the spirit of the season in all the details.

But with the early morning came the whispers and the quiet running down the hall. Whispers turned to gasps of excitement and raised voices exclaiming Santa HAD come! We were summoned out of bed, and urged to hurry through breakfast. (Who needs food on such a morning!? Really?) Priceless urgings...:-)

So we exchanged gifts, but after just a couple, Eli sat down calmly, and looking thoughtful, began to speak to all of us. Now talking is not unusual in our house, but his tone caught our attention and slowly everyone stopped what they were doing and all eyes were on him.

"You know, I've decided that this year, I am about the giving.
I mean, in the past, it's been all about getting stuff. And it's not that I don't like getting stuff, because I do.
But I think I'm learning that Christmas really isn't about the getting, but the giving. It's what it's all about.
So this year, I want to be about giving. I don't want to ask for any presents or say I want mine next, but I will wait until someone tells me to go get one, and I want to pass out presents to everyone else. Because that is what Christmas is about."

I can't remember all else he said, but it was enough that when he got done, he had sucked the air out of the room and my mom and Jason had tears in their eyes. I can't make up moments like that. But they humble me and make me so thankful for how God works in that little boy's heart already.

Of course, he has a humorous side too. Julia got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas. When Eli saw it, was fascinated because he had seen one at his school collected for a toy drive.

"Oh wow! They had one of those at my school for the poor kids. I guess an oven's a good thing. Except that they'd just be able to eat desert. But maybe they'd like that best anyway."

He was so sincere in thinking through it all that we couldn't help but smile.

I'm still working on posting some info from the Autism and Asperger's Conference I went to, and in true "Angie Fashion" will have some books to give away soon... But I'm getting caught up... and have missed blogworld!


Merry Christmas!