Monday, November 06, 2006

I'm studying the Patriarchs right now, ( a Beth Moore study) which I LOVE. However, it is difficult to let it all sink in when you get behind and try to do six lessons in two days. My perfectionism wants to be caught up and 'on the right day' the expense of coming away without life changing insights.

I don't know if it's a girl thing or what... but it seems like I need a lot of organization & structure in my life. It's not even that I think organization is bad, but rather that my dependency on it can be sometimes as harmful as it is helpful.

I stress out at the interruptions of life. (As if they are ever going to stop!) I act surprised and have yet to adjust to the idea that daily surprises and interruptions are as predictable as my rountine is.

*Mentally* I know I need to be flexible. However, as with many things, the chasm between the way I respond in the little world in my head and the way I really respond is still pretty big. I get frustrated so easily. Shamefully so. I like the 'me' in my mind more than the 'me' I have to live with each day.

I believe beyond all doubt that the God's Spirit has the ability to remove that chasm...I'm just acknowledging that I'm not always willing to go through what it takes to get there. I hate the me that cycles through motiviation and self denial back into laziness or moodiness. I shamefully find myself praying for God to make it come easier to me, though I know that would lead to self reliance and hence self destruction pretty quickly.

So, for now... again, I struggle to take in all Paul shaerd in Romans 7 & 8. ..."in my inner being, I delight in God's law... but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind... What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! ... But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit that lives in you.. ....."

I believe it. Now if I can stop holding myself back from it's transformation for all my petty fears and preferences!


Theresa said...

If "knowing is half the battle" (G.I. Joe) then why is the other half of the battle so hard?

Thanks for sharing your struggles, my friend. It encourages me... a lot!

Jill said...

I can totally relate to these feelings, Heather, and it seems to be a constant battle for me too! Thanks for your insight. Miss you!

Mary said...

Your "inner battle" sounds so familiar. I too think I need things to go a certain way and am so surprised when the Lord doesn't follow MY plan.

But you know, I also love what Paul says in II Corinthians 12:7 and following (paraphrased) that to keep him from becoming arrogant he had a thorn in his flesh that the Lord would not take away from him. God told him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And the final bit of verse 10, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." I have this verse on my desk at work. I need reminding of these very things all of the time!

So glad to touch base with you, Heather! I'd really like to catch up a little! My e-mail address is on my blog.

Many blessings to you and your family!

heather said...

T - thanks for this morning! You are a blessing. And you take me even with smothered decaf coffee in hand. True sisterhood.

Jill - Wowee! How fun to hear from you! You are still missed around here... but a little closer is a little better! Thanks for sharing your heart and identifying with me when I go out on a limb. :-) You are so loved!

Mary - How fun! Thanks for the verse... I struggle with balancing that reality all the time. It's such an odd thing... to know His power is manifested in our weakness, but yet feeling so desperate to get rid of it. Thanks for your encouragement. Love you!