Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Confessions, Part 1...(to be continued...)

Hmmm. Today has been a day of deep thoughts. I think that is good. But for those of you who read my "cave-dwelling" post before I erased it in my insecurity, - these are my thoughts, and I'm not yet out of the cave. :)

I just am thinking of how much I struggle with struggling. I put in my heading that this journal would record the days I would celebrate God' mercy & grace in my life when I failed, but the longer I do this whole blogging thing, I come to grips with the fact that I don't think I really meant it. I think I wanted to mean it. But I would just rather everyone not know I struggle. So I take a vacation from writing on those days. Or I write something cute about my kids. But I don't really share that personal stuff.

And I have family in Him who are good enough to call me on it.

Can you believe I had actually convinced myself you couldn't tell?

I both love finally having brothers and sisters that can and will do that, and yet it keeps bringing me more and more into conflict with this perfectionistic part of me I thought I had gotten rid of. I find now instead that the layers go deeper and deeper than I originally had thought.

Yuck. ( Not the family. The junk in me that I hoped was gone already.)

The part of me that always has to be right.
The part of me that is insensitive and selfish. Daily.
The part of me that gets angry at my kids. Over stupid things. (Not every day, but almost every day that I didn't get a nap.)
The part of me that has no self control or discipline. Even tonight. In almost every area of life. My diets last no more than two days. Usually I'm fully committed to it after a good meal and ready to give up before the next meal rolls around. (That's why I need a nap!)
The part of me that doesn't remember birthdays, or cards, or doesn't save up money to send a gift to someone who means alot to me. The part of me that hates calling people or talking on the phone.

That's the short list. (more of an abbreviation than a list, really.)
To some it may sound stupid. Or generic. But my eyes tear up as I admit it, here, in a semi- permanent form, so I know it is a good start.

It's not a "beat up on myself" session. It is a response to God's truth and His Spirit. A response in faith that I believe He is bigger than all of that combined. A belief that I am not the sum of all of that put together, so there needs to be no fear of it's reality. Or of confessing it.

I really want to both make improvements in these areas, and yet I want to bear no pride in it or dependence on it when I do. I want to change because I believe Him and I believe He can change me and wants to change me, not because I believe I can change out of my own will power.

My confession allows the glory to be His when His Spirit eventually can take over an area I have been unable to conquer myself. My flesh still would be tempted to take credit, and my confession, I think, is a faith move that acknowledges beforehand whatever change may occur in the future is not mine to own, as I have already acknowledged defeat in the present.

"...that times of refreshing may come from the Lord...." (Acts 3:19)

Funny how before you do it, you never think it will end up "refreshing you". And yet, once it's done, you get it. No wonder He would want it to be an ongoing part of our life.

My flesh wants to serve one master in this area. My faith, in it's size, feels like a small contender in this battle, especially in comparison to the dominant area my flesh has long occupied. But my faith wants to move in and serve the True Master. It wants to not be intimidated by the flesh. I can't serve both. And my flesh can't defeat my flesh. Only His Spirit can. So I'm going to start trying to make room.


Danna said...

Oh my sweet friend! You are SO much more than you think you are! But of course, that's what makes you so extra special! Thank you for sharing your heart, even the hard part, the part that you don't want anyone to know. I assume you know you aren't the only one....your "list" could have been mine! Thank you for your honesty and transparency and know, KNOW that you are one of the sweetest blessings of my life! I love you!

Theresa said...

You called me humble (and oh how I know I'm not and wish I was). You called me sensitive (and I know I'm not that either). You called me Perserverance (and I just want to give up). You called me truth (and I see the lie in myself). You called me Strength (but I fail constantly). You called me Encouragement (but my insecurity mocks me).

I don't say this to say I think you are wrong. I just want you to know, you are not alone in your cave dwelling thoughts.

I am in awe of His power to make us more than we are because He dwells in us. He is our Strength, and we don't have to do it on our own. That is refreshing.

I love you!!!!

Angie Burns said...

Hun... that blog's a keeper. It gives depth and foundation to everything else you say. I heard a quote once about never trusting a leader who doesn't walk with a limp! Seeing this side of you is such a blessing... It endears me to you. Plus... it attributes anything good in our lives to it's rightful author - God! He's so generous... giving us the strength to do what we can't do on our own. I'm so rebellious the way I test the limits... but still... I find nothing but grace. Much love to you, sweet friend!

Vanessa said...

I love you Heather! ...yep, that's all I needed to say! :)